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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 1, 2005 22:47:19 GMT -5
hahahaha ill take all three there too cool lookin
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Apr 4, 2005 5:15:15 GMT -5
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 18, 2005 20:40:41 GMT -5
BEST BLONDE JOKE OF 2005 (so far).
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her Black Ford Ranger and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse looking for it and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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chassroc
Cave Dweller
Rocks are abundant when you have rocktumblinghobby pals
Member since January 2005
Posts: 3,586
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Post by chassroc on Apr 19, 2005 12:19:57 GMT -5
Guess I know who'll be getting the next traffic ticket ;D ;D ;D
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on May 3, 2005 10:11:24 GMT -5
Please remember I love cats, but this made me really laugh !!! ;D
]TEXT How To Wash The Cat!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he/she cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as the paws will be reaching out to maliciously lacerate anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times (ignore the thudding on the toilet seat and the hissing, this is normal). This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the front or back door and ensure that there is no one between the toilet and the outside door (as this will result in their hospitalisation).
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet like an electrocuted maniac, and run outside spitting and screeching, where he/she will sulk until dry.
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Post by docone31 on May 3, 2005 11:18:34 GMT -5
I love it. That tutorial on washing cats reminds me of my second wife. Living with her was like taking a shower with a cat. I still have her dental imprint on the back of my right arm. I had a cat I named Dog. I always wanted a cat named Dog and his nickname was Doggy. He was my buddy. We would stay up late at night, I would toke a little and we would face off and talk to each other. He also knew about the electricals and would point them out when I was not aware of them. At any rate, Doggy liked to play with water when I took a shower. I got really loaded, the Barking Spider, Waving wall kind, and came up with a good idea. I would bring Doggy into the shower! Cool Dude. I had an enclosed shower with glass walls. I started the water, Doggy came up and started playing with the faucet. He was purring, splashing, chasing water drops. He weighed 43lbs also. I got into the shower with him, he loved it. The water was running out of the faucet, he was talking, playing, trying to catch the water. I shut the glass door. Doggy did not miss a beat. He seemed real quiet about the whole thing except for playing with the faucet. All was well. I turned the shower diverter to on, and he exploded! I had never seen anything like it before. He climbed up me, down me, bounced off walls, running around like a rooster on acid, just freaking out in general. It probably seemed longer than it was, but the shower was filling up with blood, I was lacerated from head to toe, trying to catch this very indignant black and white maniac with blood in his eyes! I was ripped up in some places I had to get stitches!. I finally got the door opened and he flew out! He wouldn't speak to me for weeks. I brought him mice, bugs, tuna, aluminum balls, all he did was pee in my shoes, a lot. My second ex was a body builder. She competed, so did I. People who met her would ask what she was like. I told them living with her was like taking a shower with a cat! No one ever understood the totality of living with the wife from hell. Doggy never trusted me again like he did before, we never even got high together again. Our lives were completely changed from that moment forward. I felt like a villian, I felt like Simon Legree and the Electricals and Barking Spiders were laughing. I felt like a tormented soul and my cat Dog thought I was a jerk.
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Post by krazydiamond on May 4, 2005 11:40:43 GMT -5
i can almost play this shower-cat video clip in my head including the barking spiders and waving walls. you can probably laugh at it now, Doc, but i imagine you'd thought that was a pretty cruel way to sober up at the time.
poor old Doggy.
i once communed with a cat, it was my girlfriends cat, and the cat was named Martha. Martha and i were really into some deep communication and understanding when all of a sudden she bit me hard, right on the nose! after that, i shied away from animals in self induced states of consciousness.
KD
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Post by docone31 on May 4, 2005 16:09:20 GMT -5
I can just see Martha. Dammned hippy, TAKE THAT!
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chassroc
Cave Dweller
Rocks are abundant when you have rocktumblinghobby pals
Member since January 2005
Posts: 3,586
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Post by chassroc on May 9, 2005 12:19:45 GMT -5
Here's a cute one for the family:
School started after summer vacation, and the new first grade entered the classroom. Some of the children didn't look too happy, so the teacher thought she'd cheer them up by reminding them of the good times they had had during the summer.
"Billy," she said. "Why don't you tell us what you did during your summer vacation."
"I saw Moos," Billy said.
"No, Billy. We're grown up boys and girls now. They're called cows, not moos."
The teacher turned to the next child. "Darlene, what did you do on your summer vacation?"
"I stayed with my gramma."
"No, Darlene. Remember, we're in first grade now, and grown up," the teacher said. "You stayed with your grandmother, not your gramma." The teacher turned to the next child. "And you, John, what did you do on your summer vacation?" the teacher said.
"I read a book," John said.
"That's very good, John. What book was it? And remember, we are all grown up boys and girls now."
John smiled at the teacher, and proudly sat up straight in his chair. And in a loud voice he said "Winnie the Shit."
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,095
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Post by stefan on May 11, 2005 10:41:20 GMT -5
DOC Too funny- Back in my youthful indescretions- I was in a college dorm room partaking of mother nature- The girls who lived there had a cat and we thought it would be cool to let it party with us! Well this room was on the 11th floor and the very stoned cat decided to chase something (not sure if someone through it or if the cat was just as wasted as we were) out the window- Well he landed on his feet and we never saw him again (good thing the ground was very wet and soft) Sad thing was trying to explain to the girls roomate whose cat it was- what had happened- We were told NEVER to come to that room again and I almost remember having to pay her off not to turn us over to security (something about several pounds being a felony) Ahhh Youth!
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Post by docone31 on May 11, 2005 11:08:01 GMT -5
Ah yes, Yout. In my Yout I went on a date. I had just gotten my drivers liscence and took a little lady on a date. I had been hot for this little lady and we went to see the openint of Easy Rider. Well, this little lady was not that conservative and I was so green I had no clue. As the movie progressed, I had my arm around her neck, then I moved my hand into her shirt, all the way down to her elbow. I kept my hand on her elbow, exploring my treasure. The movie ended, I went to the favourite parking place, we exchanged hickeys throughout the night untill her parents were ready to call the police. Throughout the weekend, I was 10ft tall. I had bruises for hickeys, memories of something that I felt was an accomplishment for a dumb teenage quasi redneck/hippy. I went to school on monday. I couldn't wait untill I could tell my friends and everybody who would listen. Guys gals, strangers. Towards the end of the day, I told a stranger who happened to know the little lady. I told her of the triumph. She was hysterical with laughter. I was dumbfounded. How could such a conquest meet with so much hysterical laughter? I was sure I had my hand on one thing, I had fondled her elbow throughout the movie, parking, and had broadcast such. She thought I was weird, all my friends thought I was weird. And I felt smaller than a tick turd. Every time I saw her in the isle, she would break out into laughter. I had visioned a marriage, family, a future. I now felt like a complete idiot and no one would date me for a long time. I was in a small school and it spread quickly. The older female classmates would set me up to make me look like a fool. Life is a process of learning, and I never forgot the feeling of being a total fool. Today, I do not look at women like I was taught from my father. I have more female friends than men friends. Today, I see a woman's strengths rather than years ago, when I saw a woman as an item. It is kinda humerous today. It was devastating then, and I am grateful to have learned such a lesson with only myself paying a price.
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on May 11, 2005 12:48:35 GMT -5
;D
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
12:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
7:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!
*****************************************************************
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
DAY 183 OF MY CAPTIVITY
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile bastards, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.
Note-to-self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed, too. Wonder how long it'll take them to find it?
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, in order to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Damn!
Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "ellergeez." Must learn what the hell this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He must obviously be a bloody half-wit. T he bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait; it's only a matter of time... the sonofabitch.
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Post by Tweetiepy on May 11, 2005 13:29:04 GMT -5
LMAO
BOOM!
Sorry, I fell on the floor! Rose that is so accurate!
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on May 18, 2005 9:11:06 GMT -5
HOW TO GIVE THE CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to wife's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!
HOW TO GIVE THE DOG A PILL
1. Wrap pill in bacon, feed to dog.
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,095
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Post by stefan on May 18, 2005 10:07:14 GMT -5
I love the cat pill one!!!!
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Post by sandsman1 on May 21, 2005 22:29:32 GMT -5
There was this fellow from "down south" who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
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shorty1
starting to shine!
Member since May 2005
Posts: 47
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Post by shorty1 on May 22, 2005 10:27:47 GMT -5
hahaha i got it. am i a redneck hahaha shazam
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on May 26, 2005 10:39:02 GMT -5
What If People Bought Cars Like They Bought Computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did?
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
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Post by Tweetiepy on May 26, 2005 12:12:01 GMT -5
Lesson One >An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" >The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. > >Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. > > >---------------
Lesson Two >A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're >packed with nutrients." replied the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, >he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. > >Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson Three >A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird >lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. > >Management Lesson - >(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. >(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. >(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Tonya
spending too much on rocks
Member since May 2005
Posts: 304
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Post by Tonya on May 26, 2005 13:02:34 GMT -5
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