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Post by 1dave on May 26, 2017 20:08:04 GMT -5
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Post by melhill1659 on May 26, 2017 21:28:12 GMT -5
Watching Ragging Bull with Robert Dinero two nights ago. Clicked info to see when film was made. Raging Bull verses Raging Bulls, hmmm Had to read it 4 times before it sunk in. OMG'sh that's horrible 😂😂😂
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Post by melhill1659 on May 26, 2017 21:39:42 GMT -5
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive female golfer, divorcee, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa bar, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it! "Oh, come on now," she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive and I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess." I literally laughed out loud!
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Post by vegasjames on May 26, 2017 21:40:32 GMT -5
Watching Ragging Bull with Robert Dinero two nights ago. Clicked info to see when film was made. Raging Bull verses Raging Bulls, hmmm Had to read it 4 times before it sunk in. OMG'sh that's horrible 😂😂😂 How do you know? Did you watch it?
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jeannie
spending too much on rocks
Member since January 2017
Posts: 266
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Post by jeannie on May 27, 2017 19:56:26 GMT -5
Scott told me this joke the other day:
Did you hear about the stats professor that drowned in a river? . . . . . . . . . . The average depth of the river was 3 feet. 😊
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on May 28, 2017 8:28:56 GMT -5
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Post by coloradocliff on May 30, 2017 20:04:21 GMT -5
>> A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree-hugging, >> liberal Democrat and an >> anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near >> Colville , WA .There was a large tree on one of >> the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the >> natural splendor of her land so she started to climb >> the big tree. >> >> As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl >> that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the >> woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many >> splinters in her crotch.In considerable pain, she hurried >> to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an >> environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and >> how she came to get all the splinters. >> >> The doctor listened to her story with great patience >> and then told her to go wait in >> the examining room and he would see if he could help >> her. She sat and waited three >> hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, >> "What took so >> long?" He smiled and then told >> her,"Well, I had to get >> permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, >> the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land >> Management before I could remove old-growth >> timber from a 'recreational area' so >> close to a waste treatment facility.I'm sorry, but due to >> Obama-care they turned you >> down." >
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jun 11, 2017 10:25:05 GMT -5
A joke the gardeners on here will appreciate - I think. Growing Tomatoes A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,”What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?” "No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
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Post by vegasjames on Jun 11, 2017 19:28:47 GMT -5
Some bbbbaaaaadddd jokes:
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Why do ranchers make love to their sheep up against cliffs?
So the sheep push back.
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jun 18, 2017 8:54:55 GMT -5
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Post by coloradocliff on Jun 18, 2017 9:24:51 GMT -5
Yeah he don't need any more junk or his junk any more. Steroids.. really makes a man... uh woman outta yah huh??. He sold all his junk at a garage sale.
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jun 29, 2017 11:43:45 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jul 4, 2017 3:55:14 GMT -5
Learning About Patriotism Independence Day was approaching and the teacher took the opportunity to teach her class all about patriotism.
She said to them, “You know, we live in a great country. And one of the best things about it is that we are all free.”
At this, a little boy marched up to her from the back of the class, put his hands on his hips and said angrily, “I’m not free. I’m four.”
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jul 4, 2017 4:13:07 GMT -5
Star Wars Movie Sequence
Q: Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
A: Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jul 5, 2017 16:04:59 GMT -5
WTH??? anyone ever try them? Any similarity?
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Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 11, 2017 3:38:02 GMT -5
Seems to be the case... So screw the clean healthy living!
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 27, 2017 2:38:24 GMT -5
Q: What's Forrest Gump’s password? A: 1forrest1
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
He asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" With eyes popping, he said: "Wow!" But his friend calmly explained "She means 666-3629."
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 27, 2017 2:38:35 GMT -5
3 Parachutes
During a flight with a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. The pilot reported engine trouble: the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes. The bad news was that they were 4 in need.
Whilst he said, he will make a full report to the authorities he quickly slipped on the parachute, then jumped.
The man stood up claiming that he had studied at Oxford, Harvard, Yale and that he was one of the most intelligent persons in the world. The world needs his great learning. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped. The pastor considered the fact that he had lived a full life and told the boy that he should use the last parachute. Who calmly replied "Don't worry, we'll both be okay." The most intelligent person in the world just put on my backpack before he jumped."
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Post by vegasjames on Oct 2, 2017 18:12:20 GMT -5
An old man asked his wife, “Martha, we’ve soon been married for 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you… Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening when I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that… You saved our home after all. But what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
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Post by rockjunquie on Oct 10, 2017 17:47:14 GMT -5
What has four letters, sometimes has nine and never has 5....
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