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Post by BearCreekLapidary on Dec 25, 2004 17:51:48 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
As most of you know my son has found his own way into the world and we as parents are so very proud of him.
This was the first Christmas since he has moved out of the house and it's been tough ... knowing that we have reached that time in life when all Christmas's from this point on will not be the same. A lot less time to spend with him ... unlike the past twenty years, where time was hardly ever considered. Now, we pray for as much time as we can get to spend with him ... knowing full well that it will never be near as much as we would like ... but, ever grateful for the time we do get to spend together.
When our Son was brought into this world, just a little over 20 years ago (three months premature and 2 pounds and 11 ounces) we decided to start a Christmas ornament collection for him. Each year we found an ornament that pertained to a special event that happened to him during the year and have kept them next to the Family Bible, in the event of an emergency ... the Bible and the ornaments were the only things to get before heading for safety.
We not only have the collected ornaments ... but, every ornament that he ever made in school from kindergarden through high school.
In a few days, I will be taking the tree down and again putting these ornaments into a box and I am having a hard time making up my mind as to whether I should keep them here or give them to him. As I know that when I start to take them down, it will remind me of every Christmas that we have spent together and the special meaning of each ornament. I honestly do not believe that he knows how hard it is for me to give these up.
I am taking the empty next syndrome pretty hard ... and I think I am slowly getting better with dealing with it ... it's just taking me a while, that's all.
I apologize for the rambling on ... but, sometimes it helps me to deal with the situation a little easier.
For you parents out there that have been where I am currently at ... does it get any easier? I can only hope that it does, as this has been one tough Christmas.
John
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Post by docone31 on Dec 25, 2004 19:22:00 GMT -5
John, I know. 15 yrs., ago my ex left me for another woman. My son, today still blames me. Today, this Christmas, my son has not said a word. We used to plant a live tree for each christmas. We had an hedge starting with a ten foot tree going down to a four foot tree. My son blames me for not knowing about his mother. My son blames me for wanting him to be accountable to his life. My ex got everything plus I had to pay her taxes for years. My son blames me for him leaving his wife and newborn as it compromised his life style. My son blames me for him having to be accountable. My wife's daughter doesn't have time. Her mother, who we gave up a business for, and sold our house short to help her on a false alarm, doesn't know her. You are not alone. I do not know if there are words for any of it. Today, my wife and I, and our Bengals are spending time together. Oh yeah, her ex left her for another man. We do not know the Joneses, and we do not fit anywhere. Not really. I was lucky. The courts took anything that could have been a memory. Somehow, it was my fault. If my son even left an e-mail message, I would jump for joy. Of course I would wonder what he really wanted later. Christmas is an hard time for a lot of people. My son and I did everything together. I changed his diapers. I went to the school meetings, I was the soccer dad. Then, homeless due to divorce. Overnight. My son is 30, I haven't seen him in over 10yrs. My wife and I were talking today. We wondered what we really want our business to do. We have no one to give it to in our families. Our children think we fell off the melon wagon and broke. I have grandchildren. My son doesn't want my grandchildren to meet his oldfashioned father. When did flower children become old fashioned? Oiy. Merry Christmas John. I know. It gets better, not easier, better.
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Post by Original Admin on Dec 25, 2004 23:38:43 GMT -5
Oh man John - thats a write and a half, keep the ornaments until you know the time is right to hand them over. Youll know when the time is right, certainly. Doc - if your son doesnt speak with you, then he's the one whos missing out - not you. Thats my two cents. John - all sounds smooth on your front, stay chilled and let time move along and watch it Doc - ignore your son, he makes me angry just from what you have written. and that aint right.
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thewiz
has rocks in the head
"What good is money if you don't spend it"
Member since January 2004
Posts: 735
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Post by thewiz on Dec 25, 2004 23:42:14 GMT -5
WOW I just got done cleaning up after my family left. 25 people were here for dinner. it will be our last christmas in this house. my wife and i moved here after our wedding in 1991. now 13 years and two sons later, we will be moveing into the new house in march or april " if i can get it ready by then " i was in tears this morning watching the boys open their gifts. i do not want to even think about the day when they are gone and out on their own.
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WarrenA
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since November 2003
Posts: 1,530
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Post by WarrenA on Dec 25, 2004 23:43:22 GMT -5
I have been there also, 4 years ago my son left for college and it was very difficult especially for my bride. We were fortunate that his college was 2 hrs away and he did come home on occasion and holidays, every time he left again for school it still hurt but as time went on it became easier. Trust in God that he will help andyou will get better. We did the same thing with all the ornaments, the tree will be extreemly bare, perhaps you can give them back a few at a time which will give you time to collect some for yourself, or you can do like I did a couple of years ago and hang fishing lures where the ornaments were at least the tree didn't have big bare spots in it.
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Post by cookie3rocks on Dec 26, 2004 0:05:56 GMT -5
Geez, I am so blessed. I have had a lot of bumps in the road of life, but I was not gifted with natural children of my own. I became a step mother at 42, and I adore this little girl as my own. I think I had to do some growing up of my own before this was blessed to me. And, even at that, this child needed help to grow. Apparently with help I was able to provide. She has blossomed in the last 3 years. And she is my little angel. It wasn't allways easy, in fact it was difficult at times ( I seemed to be the only one who recognised her limitations) but it has been a rewarding journey. The main thing is, Let them grow. Be proud of what you instilled in them, even if is at a subconcious level. Stay in their lives, do what you have to do! they need you, you need them. Bless the family ties, they are important.
cookie
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Post by Cher on Dec 26, 2004 8:31:47 GMT -5
John, my two cents .... keep them for awhile, your son is probably not ready to "appreciate" their full value while for you they will still bring out special memories. Give him time to "experience" things first, they'll mean more to him when he has his own home where he's putting down some roots.
I have ornaments that belong to both of my children also. I was just thinking this year that maybe it's time to give them their ornaments and the things they made going through school. The problem is, my daughter's tree is covered with "their" ornaments, ones that my grandkids have made in school and others they have collected together as a family. In my son's case, he has two very small children, I can see my grandson Gavin taking the train ornaments down to play with them.
Nope, my kids are 35 and 31 but they are not ready for them yet. *smile* I'll let them know when they are ready to accept the responsibility of taking care of "My Favorite Christmas Ornaments".
It will get easier John but will take time. You are very lucky to have a son who loves you and enjoys the time spent with you. At least he's just down the road, a few minutes and phone call away.
Cher
PS. Who says you have to stop buying them? Did you get a special one this year to celebrate his move out into the world?
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shorty
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since November 2004
Posts: 122
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Post by shorty on Dec 26, 2004 10:00:07 GMT -5
hi all ha john that sounds like my life except that my wife got cout with my frend . and my one dauter thanks its my fault . and like you. both my dauters didnt call me .didnt tell me thanks for the presents or have the grand kids call me or my son who lives next door from me . oh well wait till they need something .haha ill tell them where to go and then give it to them .but ill fix them ill go to ther house and then dont leave. haha its been twenty years sence i kicked her out .and it dont get better just like john said it gets barabel.. but whit till he gets maried youl hopefulley have a bunch of grand kids to spoil then it startes all over again haha shorty
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llanago
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since January 2004
Posts: 1,714
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Post by llanago on Dec 26, 2004 11:01:19 GMT -5
Bear, why not give one ornament to your son each year for his Christmas tree. You could start with the first one you added to the tree when he was born, followed by the second and so on. Along with it, enclose a poem/written note and tell him what special event in his/your life the ornament respresents. That way he will be free to decorate his tree as he wishes and always have room for that special ornament from mom and dad without being overwhelmed. And you won't have to part with your special Christmas treasures all at once and have a naked tree! Does it get better? Since I don't have children, I can't answer that one, but I do know that one of these days he will gift you with a grandbaby to light up your life. He can't give you that wonderful gift until he is out on his own, so as hard as it is now, just think of the rewards and joy that will be yours when he finds his sweetheart and brings a little one in the world for you and he to collect ornaments for! llana
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Post by connrock on Dec 26, 2004 12:47:21 GMT -5
John, I know exactly what you're going through. It started with me when my son Tom turned 13 and found his first girlfriend. I felt abandoned as he was not only my son he was my best friend.We did everything togeather,hunt,fish,camp,work around the house,,,,everything.He even helped with many of the plumbing jobs I did back then. I was hurt the most when he got married and went out on his own.Shortly after he got married he and his wife Jackie bought a real old house that was literaly falling apart.Before they bought the house he asked me if "we" could fix it up and was it worth the money.Well obviously I said yes and after several months of weekends,vacations and Holidays we got it fixed up to a point where the neighbors were giving them gifts for the great job that was done on it. Tom and Jackie have since built a new home and have given me and my wife Nancy two wonderful grandsons,Joe and Nick. I not only have my son back now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He gave me two more "partners" !! I's like to share a poem with you that I wrote when Tom finished his sheetmetalman's apprenticeship and got married. Your little hand I held in mine, I tried to lead the way. We camped we fished we rowed a boat, We climbed a mountain one day. We’ve had a great time,father and son And you have made me proud, You’ve finished a job that most men can’t And this I say out loud. I love you son You’re now a man There’s nothing you can’t do. Keep faith in life, Keep faith in God, Keep faith in what you do! Love Dad Here's a photo I made up of : son Tom (upper right) grandson Joe (bottom left) grandson Nick (botton right) It not only gets easier John,,,,,, It gets better!! Tom
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Post by docone31 on Dec 26, 2004 18:16:39 GMT -5
Andy. It is my son's loss. He still thinks I am the homeless person he remembers who got beaten in the corrugated hilton. I so wish I could introduce him to Johnny Depp, Billy Idol, Steve Tyler. The other people I make custom jewelery for. I wish I could introduce him to our Bengals. I wish I could introduce him to Jenne, show him how to cut gemstones, solder gold, make casting models, cast settings for custom stones. I wish I could introduce him to us here on this site. What he could learn! I bet Kim, or LLana, or Cookie would pimp slap him hard! To him, I am just an old fashioned toothless homeless freeze dried hippie. John, Bearcreek, is going through a normal transition. It is obvious he loved, enjoyed, and shared with his son. He did what I tried. That is life. I appreciate the concern. It doesn't change things but it helps. Jenne is in the same boat with her daughter. She put her daughter through a presitgious college. Had to push her all the way. Now she is a Parental Unit. No call, no card, nothing. She is busy. THose factors make Jenne and I a great couple. We share things few others do. We had years of misery few others know. To each of us, it was like two north poles of two magnets trying to fit. I am only 50. I have seen how life balances things out. My son has choices. I will keep the light on. Thanks Andy, thanks everybody. I hope someday, my son will meet us and share what we have found.
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Post by rockyraccoon on Dec 26, 2004 23:47:56 GMT -5
john i think you should give the ornaments to him the first christmas he has a child of his own. he will understand exactly how they make you feel at that time. oh how it all comes clear when you have one of your own - all the stupid things your parents did no longer seem so stupid - like when they can't go to bed until you get in and you think they are so ridiculous for waiting up. my daughter's 6th birthday was today and before bed last night she told us to take a good long look at her because our little girl would be gone when we woke up. this really ate at me all night lol. she told me this morning she didn't think she looked any different and really didn't feel any different. i told her there was something i couldn't quite put my finger on but i was sure it was something different - something quite 6ish about her. then i told her i was pretty sure 6 yr olds loose their teeth & grow hair from their nose lol. this year she ok'd me to sing the "looks like a monkey" birthday song - course i was gonna do it anyway lol . kim
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Post by creativeminded on Dec 27, 2004 10:41:52 GMT -5
John, My mother kept the ceramic ornaments we made with my Grandmother and one year she didn't put them on the tree and my youngest sister was upset when she came home for Christmas and didn't see them on the tree. Needless to say the ornaments have gone up ever since then. I have painted ornaments with my nieces and nephews and we have had to put up a second Christmas tree in order to accomedate them and some of the ones I made. Just because your son has moved out of your house, he isn't out of your life. You can keep the tradition going even though he is on his own. Tami
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Dec 27, 2004 13:40:02 GMT -5
John- I may get lambasted for writing this here rather than in “Life, the Universe etc.” but here goes. I can tell you from experience, since during this last year my youngest daughter got married and moved to Scotland, my father passed away in June, my wife passed away in August and my oldest daughter passed away November 3rd. I have learned and am still learning that time moves on and days continue to plop themselves in succession, one after the other, no matter what. And that his is the first Christmas I have ever spent alone. I didn’t enjoy it, but I didn’t feel sorry for myself either. I don’t mean to intimate that you are looking for pity. The thing is that in my world God has control and moves how He will. I also know that I have a personal relationship with Him through His son Jesus Christ. That my friend, is my comfort. Many decisions that come my way are painful and I am able to side step them as they are merely the “tyranny of the urgent”, but they are not (in the scheme of all eternity) important. Like the Christmas ornaments. Not that the ornaments are not important, they are, but what to do with them is to me a decision that can wait. It is a decision that I can see is painful, but in no way does it need to be made now, maybe not even next year. Leave as many things settled and as they were, as you feel comfortable with. The time will come eventually when it will just ‘feel right’ to pass them on. The memories you have are all stored in your heart and they will not disappear with the passing of tree decorations to your son. The time will come when you will be blessed to do it. It may even be when he has his first son, and the cycle begins again and you love and give anew to the young one and eagerly pass the heirlooms down as a gift of history and love to be carried on, or not. The point is that the memories are a gift from God and nothing can remove those. The ornaments are the catalyst that triggers those memories. In time the objects that remind us of past times, take their place as mementos of history. Of things we did and said together. Of times past. And slowly we accept the fact that these indeed were times past. But right now, before us, we have other people that God has put in our path that need our attention and we will have in them the cultivation of more memories that are our life experiences. Congratulations on a job well done of raising your son to be man after your own heart. You have every reason to be proud, it is a lot of work. Genesis 2:24: Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. I am certain that God has other work for you to do. That is simply my two cents worth, and perhaps it may help.
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Post by BearCreekLapidary on Dec 30, 2004 20:24:49 GMT -5
Hello everyone,
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate the different views.
Doc, Tom and Banjo ... my heart goes out to you ... keep the faith!
My message wasn't a cry for pity ... so, if it came across as such ... I apologize! It's just nice to be able to get things off of ones chest ... you know ... to breath a little easier.
Thanks and have a Happy New Year!
John
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Post by docone31 on Dec 30, 2004 20:39:26 GMT -5
John, I never heard pity. Not once. I heard someone who devoted his life to his son, and this was the first part of raising a child to be strong, independant, and an individual produces. This Christmas will be replaced with a deeper more fruitful tomorrows. It sounds like you were the same kind of dad I tried to be. I share in your joy. It replaces the permanence of my loss.
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Post by Cher on Dec 30, 2004 20:48:33 GMT -5
Nope, never heard/read any "I'm looking for pity" in your thread. Just a father who was having a hard time dealing with holidays after his son was gone. Nothing wrong with that and what a better place to come to than your friends. Take heart, it will get better.
Cher
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Post by BearCreekLapidary on Dec 30, 2004 21:15:22 GMT -5
Hey Doc,
It sounds like you are just fine to me ... it's the rest of the crew that need to wake up!
They are the ones who are missing out.
I have a quote for you that I have enjoyed for years:
You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends ... but, you can not pick your family!
From where you were to where you are ... Doc, hold your head high my friend ...and be proud of what you have accomplished.
Each of you are in my evening prayers.
Thanks and take care,
John
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Dec 31, 2004 1:35:08 GMT -5
Hey John- I got some good news- My daughter is coming home from Scotland to visit for a week! That is great! A ray of sun shine. I am sure you feel the same about your son, when he pops back into your life for a bit. I am just so blest that she still considers this her home God Bless, man, and have a happy new year!!
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Post by BearCreekLapidary on Dec 31, 2004 22:59:23 GMT -5
Hey Banjo,
THAT IS GREAT!
It warms my heart to know that you will get to see your daughter. There is nothing better than that!
Congratulations,
John
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