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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 25, 2013 21:04:26 GMT -5
Why is it so slow here today? Need some humor!
How to truly impress a client
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also
flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would
do me a favor."
"Yes, what can I do?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to walk by and just say, 'Hi, Mark,'?"
"Sure. Be glad to."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten
minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to
talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Mark," he said.
I replied, "F*ck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 25, 2013 21:06:17 GMT -5
With Halloween only a few days away, how 'bout this one -
The Halloween Kiss
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
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quartz
Cave Dweller 
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
Member since February 2010
Posts: 3,359
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Post by quartz on Oct 25, 2013 22:00:20 GMT -5
Two gentlemen of somewhat less than total mental capacity went hunting and got a nice buck. While dragging it out, they encountered a state game cop. After approving their licenses and tags O.K., the cop said "I see you are dragging the deer by its back legs, which means you are pulling against the lay of the hair. Were you to pull it by the horns, you would be pulling with the lay of the hair, making it much easier to pull." The cop left and the men decided to try his method. After a while, one of the men said "boy that cop was right, this is sure easier to pull." The other man said "sure is, but we're not getting any closer to the pickup."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 25, 2013 22:12:07 GMT -5
That was a good one, Quartz! Here's another to liven the party.
Salesmanship
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big ‘everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'One.'
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65.'
The boss says '$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?'
The kid says, ‘First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’!
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 29, 2013 9:05:23 GMT -5
Little Known Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb...
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.....)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out. )
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig?? Do the dolphins know about the
pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to
spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you
want to smile, maybe even chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!!!)
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2013 9:28:48 GMT -5
Many thanks to the person that put that all together and thank you Jean for posting it. A good belly laugh really helps. Not as much as a pig orgasm but close. Well, not close. Maybe 1/30th as close.
Jim
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 29, 2013 9:44:55 GMT -5
Jim, you seem to appreciate my jokes the most of anyone! Thanks for that, and I'm glad I could start your day off with a belly laugh.
(Now, how about that pig?)
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2013 10:33:45 GMT -5
EF that pig. It is not fair. They should pass some of that ability along when I eat their ass.
Jim
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Post by wireholic on Oct 29, 2013 10:54:57 GMT -5
Lucky pig!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2013 22:25:07 GMT -5
I was reminded of this tongue twister that my mother taught me when I was a kid. Kind of fits here.
Jim
When I was going to Arkansas I saw a saw that could out saw any saw that you ever saw. So, if you think you have seen a saw that can out saw the saw that I saw I would like to see the saw that you saw that could out saw the saw I saw as I was going to Arkansas.
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 30, 2013 18:49:58 GMT -5
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 31, 2013 9:32:43 GMT -5
Guts Or Balls
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 31, 2013 9:49:32 GMT -5
OOPS!!!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
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Post by Pat on Oct 31, 2013 22:15:14 GMT -5
(party)Thanks for all the funnies! I was reading through the latest crop, teeheeing and chuckling while waiting for the next batch of trick-or-treaters. We had 25 total.
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quartz
Cave Dweller
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
Member since February 2010
Posts: 3,359
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Post by quartz on Nov 2, 2013 22:33:51 GMT -5
One morning a lady woke up, alone. She looked outside and saw her husband out in the yard flying a kite. She went out and asked why he was doing that. "Well, last night when I suggested some adult entertainment, you said go fly a kite."
P.S. My wife read all the above, said she will start the bomb shelter in the morning. Her bomb shelter.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 5, 2013 10:19:01 GMT -5
Your morning chuckle to start the day. I never was into Barbie, but I like #9.
Finally a Barbie I can relate to!
At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR
aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions
of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus
with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying
off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and
Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled
with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of
Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.
Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this
year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 5, 2013 10:25:36 GMT -5
Okay, just one more.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge
of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all that he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had attained a
score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for
such an outstanding result, but wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which
was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor then went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it through the muffler."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2013 11:50:10 GMT -5
Very good again Jean. I can relate to number nine, twice, but the second one was me running.
A lady went to her doctor to talk about her husband. She told the doc that her husband was acting like a dog a lot.
The doc told her "don't worry about it, it is just a phase and he will come out of it".
A few months later the lady went back to her doctor because of a female problem. While she was there the doc ask "how is your husband doing?"
The lady answered "oh, he is dead". "Oh my" said the doc "what happened?".
The lady answered "he was laying in the driveway licking his nuts and I ran over him"
Jim
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Sabre52
Cave Dweller
Me and my gal, Rosie
Member since August 2005
Posts: 20,504
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Post by Sabre52 on Nov 5, 2013 13:09:07 GMT -5
Just a funny off color commentary I heard at the gym the other day.....Mel
Old feller there, probably in his eighties remarked he's renamed his wiener Obama for the following reasons.
1. It's a little dick.
2. It don't function worth a damn
3. When it does function, it don't know what the hell it's doing
4. And, he's always having to make excuses for it's poor performance
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Post by wireholic on Nov 6, 2013 19:00:04 GMT -5
THE BIG 50! Off our rockers, actin' crazy
With the right medication we won't be lazy
Doin' the old folks boogie
Down on the farm
Wheelchairs, they was locked arm in arm
Paired off pacemakers with matchin' alarms
Gives us jus' one more chance
To spin one more yarn
And you know that you're over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill
Doin' the old folks boogie
And boogie we will
'Cause to us the thought's as good as a thrill
Back at the home,
No time is your own,
Facillities there, they're all out on loan
The bank forclose, and your bankruptcy shows
And your credit creeps to an all-time low
So you know, that your over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill
Try and get a rise from an atrophied muscle,
And the nerves in your thigh just quivers and fizzles
So you know, that you're over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill
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