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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 7, 2013 10:51:51 GMT -5
I think I heard #25 the most, only from my mom, not dad. (Her mother had told her the same thing when she was growing up!!!)
Most of our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
*******************************
Quote of the day:
"Faith is not about everything turning out okay. It's about being okay, no matter how things turn out."
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quartz
Cave Dweller 
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
Member since February 2010
Posts: 3,359
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Post by quartz on Nov 7, 2013 12:40:21 GMT -5
Where do you come up with all this fun stuff, this one really hit home. If I may, I'll add one: My wife's cousin said "shoulda' eaten them when they were young, while their bones were still soft."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 7, 2013 12:46:57 GMT -5
Larry, since I have the "hoarding mentality" (not just rocks, lol!) I tend to save things like jokes when they get emailed to me. (At least I don't print them out and save them in folders, like dad does!) Never know when they are going to come in handy. I always like to share a chuckle.
That last joke I just received from my dad yesterday. Jean
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 8, 2013 20:02:17 GMT -5
Good Advice
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 14, 2013 17:48:46 GMT -5
A little long, but ya know you can't tell men anything...
HEADACHE REMEDY
Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens.
He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.
The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit."
Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Steve laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!", said the tailor.
Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E." Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."
Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Post by Rockoonz on Nov 15, 2013 2:13:41 GMT -5
Ouch!
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Post by jakesrocks on Nov 19, 2013 19:01:07 GMT -5
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 20, 2013 11:18:24 GMT -5
Highway Patrol interview
Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 21, 2013 12:18:17 GMT -5
Well, as long as were stuck on blonde jokes... If they're funny, I don't mind.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her Black Ford Ranger and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse looking for it and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 21, 2013 12:24:23 GMT -5
And one more
Revenge Of The Blondes!
"The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes!"
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM
FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT
A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN
WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache
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Post by wireholic on Nov 21, 2013 12:54:17 GMT -5
I took out the REALLY bad ones
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.
Q:Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in
their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and seek winner!
And my favorite.....
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
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Post by wireholic on Nov 21, 2013 12:56:31 GMT -5
Blonde One Liners
If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive
I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.
You know what's hotter than a blonde? ABSOLUTELY nothing.
We all have one ginger friend that claims to be "strawberry blonde"
Every blonde needs a brunette best friend
Anything you can do, blondes can do better
If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through tomorrow.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Nov 22, 2013 20:30:11 GMT -5
Ah, forgot to post a joke for today... How 'bout this one?
A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “Typewriter.”
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”
The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.”
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”
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Post by rockpickerforever on Dec 2, 2013 10:14:35 GMT -5
Seems this one fits right in with the cussing thread.
WHEN TO START CUSSING
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
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Post by Woodyrock on Dec 10, 2013 1:45:03 GMT -5
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!" The Teacher fainted.
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Post by Woodyrock on Dec 10, 2013 1:47:34 GMT -5
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!" The Teacher fainted.
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Post by kap on Dec 10, 2013 14:20:09 GMT -5
Joke of the Day!
I was walking down the street when I was a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
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quartz
Cave Dweller
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
Member since February 2010
Posts: 3,359
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Post by quartz on Dec 11, 2013 20:33:47 GMT -5
God created Adam and Eve. They stood there sort of eyeing each other for a few minutes, got a smile on their faces, joined hands, and disappeared into a nearby cave. Shortly after, Adam came out looking confused and dismayed. He looked up and said "God, what's a headache?"
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Post by wireholic on Dec 12, 2013 12:00:56 GMT -5
GREAT OBAMA (O-Bummer) HEALTH CARE JOKE!!!
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,
but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gerontologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was
laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said: "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face
on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologist won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the A$$holes in Washington.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Dec 12, 2013 14:00:29 GMT -5
This is just a joke. (Is it??)
The Americans With No Abilities Act
President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. "The Americans With No Abilities Act" is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S.
Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring people with no abilities (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles
but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.
The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new
measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions
such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who
have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her
position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to
her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law
should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have job
security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other
untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the
same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to
every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to
provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her
inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
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