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Post by wireholic on Dec 16, 2013 14:26:34 GMT -5
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jan 17, 2014 16:47:23 GMT -5
You probably don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this joke, but it helps...
BUBBA
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat
on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks
was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally
talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that
he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.' Bubba's
neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest
was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a
deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.'
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Post by rockpickerforever on Feb 6, 2014 16:08:48 GMT -5
Jogging with Bill
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Democrat's next Presidential candidate.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled........
"See what you got for five bucks!?"
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Post by rockpickerforever on Feb 6, 2014 16:11:31 GMT -5
Okay, one more while I'm here -
Thought provoking questions...
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?
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Post by kap on Feb 11, 2014 17:18:41 GMT -5
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
''But why?'' asks the man.
''I'm a divorce lawyer."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Feb 11, 2014 23:58:35 GMT -5
Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at School."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are There 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and Asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad Replied,
"Those are for married men.
ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March ..........
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Post by fishenman on Feb 12, 2014 0:31:44 GMT -5
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
To which he responded: "I found the remote".
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Post by rockpickerforever on Feb 14, 2014 10:35:40 GMT -5
Mel's joke the other day ("Interesting tattoo, Now who the heck is BoB?") reminded me of this one -
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist she would like two tattoos, one of Robert Redford on her left upper thigh, and one of Paul Newman on her right thigh. After hours of work, the tattoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in between the woman’s legs for her to view.
The woman says,” I don’t know if these really look like Paul & Robert, and I ain’t payin’ for this if it isn’t right!” She tells the artist she will go just outside the business and ask someone walking down the street if they know who the two men are on her thighs, if they answer correctly she would pay the artist.
She soon sees a man walking down the street, so she pulls up her skirt and asks him, ” Can you tell me who the man on my right thigh and the man on my left thigh are?”
The man replies, ” I dunno, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson.”
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Good Earth
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since November 2010
Posts: 155
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Post by Good Earth on Feb 14, 2014 12:08:38 GMT -5
I think this one belongs here:  |
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Post by rockpickerforever on Feb 14, 2014 17:49:49 GMT -5
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Redneck Valentine Poem
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
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gemfeller
Cave Dweller 
Member since June 2011
Posts: 4,064 
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Post by gemfeller on Feb 14, 2014 21:30:20 GMT -5
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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Post by mohs on Feb 14, 2014 22:06:43 GMT -5
 such offers are far and to few between mostly
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Post by rockpickerforever on Feb 25, 2014 20:31:54 GMT -5
The Cow, the Ant and an Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
...
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
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gemfeller
Cave Dweller
Member since June 2011
Posts: 4,064
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Post by gemfeller on Feb 25, 2014 21:40:11 GMT -5
WHY SENIORS NEED NEWSPAPERS
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper....
"This is the 21st century," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
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Post by vegasjames on Mar 15, 2014 19:10:20 GMT -5
3 HOLY MEN AND 3 BEARS.........
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of
Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard,
a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out
into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various
bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him,
I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that
we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to
read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Post by vegasjames on Mar 15, 2014 19:12:42 GMT -5
The Answer:
Perhaps you have wondered why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs",
"Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
Well here's the low down.When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna
Luv'em, Hug'em, and Pamper'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!
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Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 8, 2014 8:50:58 GMT -5
Johns Hopkins $200 million study!!!
The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a
$200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than the men who mention it.
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quartz
Cave Dweller
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
Member since February 2010
Posts: 3,359
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Post by quartz on May 3, 2014 0:24:37 GMT -5
The one thing that's really making us feel older is seeing things we bought new and regularly still use; being listed on Ebay as "vintage" items.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jun 6, 2014 18:03:58 GMT -5
The Fortune Teller
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke .
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Post by mohs on Jun 6, 2014 22:53:53 GMT -5
funny line !
Reminds me of the crazed woman on the Perry Mason commercials
I don't know... I Don't KNOW
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