agatemaggot
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2006
Posts: 2,195
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Post by agatemaggot on Nov 24, 2019 8:41:07 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Nov 24, 2019 16:25:51 GMT -5
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agatemaggot
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2006
Posts: 2,195
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Post by agatemaggot on Nov 27, 2019 6:43:22 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Nov 28, 2019 11:22:59 GMT -5
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Post by RickB on Nov 29, 2019 15:32:46 GMT -5
What did the mad turkey say to the other turkey? Go pluck yourself!
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Post by knave on Nov 29, 2019 16:23:25 GMT -5
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Post by hummingbirdstones on Dec 5, 2019 10:10:45 GMT -5
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lookatthat
Cave Dweller
Whatever there is to be found.
Member since May 2017
Posts: 1,360
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Post by lookatthat on Dec 6, 2019 17:40:32 GMT -5
A woman goes to a potluck at work and somebody brought a pot of homemade beans. They were so good that she had three helpings.
By the time she got home that evening, she was wishing that she hadn't gone back that last time as the beans were really beginning to work on her. Her husband met her at the door with a big grin. "Honey, I've got a surprise for you! Put on this blindfold". She did, and he guided her into the dining room. Just then the phone rang. "Sit down here and don't peek," he said, and took the phone into the other room.
She thought this was her chance, as the pressure had built up to the intolerable. She shifted to one side and let one go. Not only was it really loud, it stank so bad she couldn't stand it herself, so she grabbed her napkin and tried to wave the stink away. Her husband was still on the phone in the other room, so she shifted to the other cheek and let another big one rip, another loud, stinky one, but such a relief! She kept on with that for a couple more minutes until she heard her husband get off the phone. Quickly she waved away as much of the smell as she could, and when her husband came back, she was sitting there innocently.
"Did you peek?" he asked. "No," she said. He pulled off the blindfold. There sat a dozen of her friends and family holding their noses as they said, "Happy birthday!"
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Post by parfive on Dec 8, 2019 1:52:38 GMT -5
[Well, here goes, two in a row . . . must be like yawning]
A woman is in a jewelry shop admiring a large diamond ring. As she bends to take a closer look, she lets out a little fart. Hoping no one noticed, she smiles and asks, “How much is that one?” The jeweler says, “Madam, if you farted when you just looked at it, when I tell you the price, you’ll shit yourself.”
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Post by 1dave on Dec 12, 2019 10:28:39 GMT -5
I got mugged.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Dec 31, 2019 16:36:03 GMT -5
I MAY LOOSE MY DRIVERS' LICENCE I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer...The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."
Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?"
Me: "A motorcycle."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer: "A prostitute of course."
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
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Post by mohs on Jan 1, 2020 11:25:00 GMT -5
You have to get a little loose To recite the alphabet backward
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Post by RickB on Jan 1, 2020 16:13:23 GMT -5
Funny Scary Snowman Hidden Camera Practical Joke
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Post by RickB on Jan 3, 2020 13:11:44 GMT -5
Remote Control Alligator Prank
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whyofquartz
spending too much on rocks
So, Africa is smaller than I expected...
Member since December 2019
Posts: 316
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Post by whyofquartz on Jan 4, 2020 12:50:50 GMT -5
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' 'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' 'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.' 'What about that eye patch?' 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.' 'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?' 'Well It was my first day with the hook. "...OK but what is with the giant tiller wheel belt buckle? seems like it would get in the way" "Arr! it's drivin' me nuts"
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jan 10, 2020 20:12:43 GMT -5
This week and next is a joke for day and night temps could be hitting the -40 by sun night The best way to show you how cold it really is.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jan 11, 2020 10:52:59 GMT -5
GETTING OLDER!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jan 15, 2020 12:00:34 GMT -5
Do you agree with the statement?
Odds are, you are a beer-a-holic, lol.
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Post by knave on Jan 15, 2020 17:47:29 GMT -5
I’m not sure if this one will go over here, or not. But WHY ON EARTH was this found on my HVAC forum? Is there a hidden connection between HVAC and RTHA?? (Rock tumbling hobby addicts)
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jan 18, 2020 10:45:38 GMT -5
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