I wrote this several years ago to amuse my nephew.
Ho³MCMy apologies to Dr. Seuss Well, Capt Bob
He liked shopping,
Liked it a lot...
He had heard
There were those that simply,
Did NOT!
Capt Bob he loved Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
One has to ask why, he's usually a jerk for no reason.
It could be he liked the cool winter nights.
It could be perhaps, the bright shiny lights.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May be the HOT ladies that swarm at the mall.
But,
Whatever the reason,
The ladies or lights,
He'd roam all the shops, taking in all the sights.
Well Capt Bob he tried hard to not knock over much stuff,
But it was hard walking backwards, while admiring muff.
The shop girls so pretty, oh my how they slaved,
I bet I'd look younger, he thought, if I'd shaved!
With those fancy bags from Macy's and Zales,
The vixens all knew he's not here for the sales.
Then he said to himself while Christmas tune humming,
"I MUST find a way to keep old age from coming!"
For already he knew...
...And he tried not to cuss
All the girls were just thinking, "Why's he staring at us?"
Then everyone knows his thoughts they did clear,
Capt Bob said to himself, "I'll go get me a beer!"
There are shoppers so old you can hear the creak of their bones,
And the kids oh so rude gabbing on their cell phones.
If only they were all in their HOMES! HOMES! HOMES! HOMES!
The geezers they waddle like a bunch of old gnomes,
And the fatties just seem to inhale ice cream cones.
And THEN
They'd do something Capt Bob liked least of all!
Every shopper it seemed in the whole freakin' mall,
Would stop where they were, as their cell phones were ringing.
And all the talking Capt Bob thought sounded like hyenas singing!
They'd talk! And they'd talk!
AND they'd TALK! TALK! TALK! TALK!
And the more that Capt Bob thought of this whole mall affair,
The more he considered calling in a bomb scare!
"Each year I come mostly to see all the ladies!
But with all the old folks and brat kids,
I feel I'm in Hades!"
Then Capt Bob got an idea!
A stupendous idea!
YUP, Capt Bob
GOT A TOTALLY AWESOME IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Capt Bob declared to himself.
Then tripped over a stroller while ogling a she elf.
He got up off the floor and he did it real quick,
Thinking how can I tag this babe that must work for Saint Nick?
"All I need is a chick magnet..."
And so Capt Bob looked around.
But there was no pet store, no puppy to be found.
But did that stop Ol' Capt Bob...?
No! It surely did not,
"Since I can't find a puppy, I'll act like she's not HOT!"
So he walked right up to her and here's what he said:
"Can you take me to Santa? I've got parts for his sled."
WELL,
The girl gave him credit,
For such an original line.
And I swear that she said this...
Will it be your place or mine?
Don'tcha know Capt Bob just 'bout fainted,
Oh yeah, right there on that spot.
This elf girl all done up and painted,
And she hadn't said "NOT!"
The mall was closing down now. Leaves blew through the air.
The two walked to her car with nary a care.
"This shopping thing's ALL good!" Capt Bob thought to himself,
"I'm gonna get me a piece of this fine Christmas elf!"
So they got to her car, Capt Bob on the passenger's side,
And he said to her softly, "Let's go for a ride."
"My husband's not home." the elf said with a smile.
We can play reindeer games, but for only awhile.
When they got to her place, Capt Bob said to the ho,
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then Capt Bob slithered and slunk, with a smile oh so pleasant,
Through white satin sheets until he found him a present!
This elf what a Goddess, a true earthly delight.
And those reindeer games lasted all through the night.
This story must end now, but this I swear on my life...
When Capt Bob woke the next morning,
He saw the elf was his wife!
4 Lost Dutchmen a leaping 
Possibly just distracted, since you've got so many sticks in the fire.
