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Post by MsAli on Mar 11, 2020 18:49:39 GMT -5
Perfectionism is often seen as a positive trait that increases your chances of success, but it can lead to self-defeating thoughts or behaviors that make it harder to achieve goals. It may also cause stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. By setting impossible to meet standards—perfection—a person cannot accomplish what they expect of themselves. They will never reach this goal, because perfection does not exist. Even if perfection was achieved at a certain point, standards for what is perfect may change over time. www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-riseThe typical perfectionist is stuck in a cycle where each new task is another opportunity for self-criticism, disappointment, and perceived failure. www.headstuff.org/topical/science/the-psychology-of-perfectionism/
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Post by MsAli on Mar 11, 2020 18:53:33 GMT -5
Self-esteem does not build from feelings of relief or the temporary reprieve of having succeeded at something. Lacking a deep and consistent source of self-esteem, failures hit especially hard for perfectionists and may lead to long bouts of depression and withdrawal in some individuals. Further, perfectionist individuals are often hypersensitive to perceived rejection or possible evidence of failure, and there is a fundamental rigidity in the relentless stance of bracing for failure. Unfortunately, when an individual is caught up in the bondage of perfectionist striving, that person is likely to be less interested in developing a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship and more interested in chasing the elusive rabbit in his or her own head. Along these lines, partners of perfectionist individuals often comment on their partner's emotional unavailability. It is very hard for a perfectionist to share his or her internal experience with a partner. Perfectionists often feel that they must always be strong and in control of their emotions. A perfectionist may avoid talking about personal fears, inadequacies, insecurities, and disappointments with others, even to those with whom they are closest. Giving and receiving feedback about the impact we have on each other calls for unconditional self-esteem that does not over-depend on others' evaluations of us. The self-esteem we derive from living a life consistent with our deepest values gives us the emotional freedom to learn and grow without fearing the shame of rejection. Striving for perfection leaves us empty and unstable, foundering like ships without anchors in a turbulent ocean. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201209/how-perfectionism-hurts-relationships
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EricD
Cave Dweller
High in the Mountains
Member since November 2019
Posts: 1,142
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Post by EricD on Mar 11, 2020 19:07:00 GMT -5
Self-esteem does not build from feelings of relief or the temporary reprieve of having succeeded at something. Lacking a deep and consistent source of self-esteem, failures hit especially hard for perfectionists and may lead to long bouts of depression and withdrawal in some individuals. Further, perfectionist individuals are often hypersensitive to perceived rejection or possible evidence of failure, and there is a fundamental rigidity in the relentless stance of bracing for failure. Unfortunately, when an individual is caught up in the bondage of perfectionist striving, that person is likely to be less interested in developing a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship and more interested in chasing the elusive rabbit in his or her own head. Along these lines, partners of perfectionist individuals often comment on their partner's emotional unavailability. It is very hard for a perfectionist to share his or her internal experience with a partner. Perfectionists often feel that they must always be strong and in control of their emotions. A perfectionist may avoid talking about personal fears, inadequacies, insecurities, and disappointments with others, even to those with whom they are closest. Giving and receiving feedback about the impact we have on each other calls for unconditional self-esteem that does not over-depend on others' evaluations of us. The self-esteem we derive from living a life consistent with our deepest values gives us the emotional freedom to learn and grow without fearing the shame of rejection. Striving for perfection leaves us empty and unstable, foundering like ships without anchors in a turbulent ocean. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201209/how-perfectionism-hurts-relationshipsI choose a place in between. I do a great job at what I do, and I strive to do better if it's possible. I am proud of what I do. I may not have a lot of friends, but those friends I do have respect of what I am capable of.
I really like that quote, thank you for sharing it
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Post by knave on Mar 11, 2020 19:27:29 GMT -5
Roses are red Violets are blue I’m schizophrenic And so am I!
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Post by 1dave on Mar 12, 2020 7:43:33 GMT -5
Perfect? Yeah, it's good enough.
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reynedrop
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since February 2020
Posts: 204
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Post by reynedrop on Mar 12, 2020 9:47:01 GMT -5
Self-esteem does not build from feelings of relief or the temporary reprieve of having succeeded at something. Lacking a deep and consistent source of self-esteem, failures hit especially hard for perfectionists and may lead to long bouts of depression and withdrawal in some individuals. Further, perfectionist individuals are often hypersensitive to perceived rejection or possible evidence of failure, and there is a fundamental rigidity in the relentless stance of bracing for failure. Unfortunately, when an individual is caught up in the bondage of perfectionist striving, that person is likely to be less interested in developing a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship and more interested in chasing the elusive rabbit in his or her own head. Along these lines, partners of perfectionist individuals often comment on their partner's emotional unavailability. It is very hard for a perfectionist to share his or her internal experience with a partner. Perfectionists often feel that they must always be strong and in control of their emotions. A perfectionist may avoid talking about personal fears, inadequacies, insecurities, and disappointments with others, even to those with whom they are closest. Giving and receiving feedback about the impact we have on each other calls for unconditional self-esteem that does not over-depend on others' evaluations of us. The self-esteem we derive from living a life consistent with our deepest values gives us the emotional freedom to learn and grow without fearing the shame of rejection. Striving for perfection leaves us empty and unstable, foundering like ships without anchors in a turbulent ocean. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201209/how-perfectionism-hurts-relationshipsI’ll admit I am definitely a perfectionist in personality. When it comes to education/learning, work, and even hobbies I can get caught up in minute details and striving for perfect, but it doesn’t cross the relationship border for me. I don’t think my husband would ever say I am emotionally distant or unavailable (if anything, I can be too emotional). In a workplace setting I do keep my own emotions in check but am always trying to remember others’. Over time I’ve learned the difference between “perfect” and “ideal.” For me, perfect is what is needed; ideal is what is wanted. Husband will never be ideal. Work will never be ideal. My body will never be ideal. But redefining “perfect” means that, as long as I trust that everything in my life is there to help me grow in a way I need, I’m not as turbulent when things aren’t “ideal.”
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Post by 1dave on Mar 12, 2020 14:50:30 GMT -5
It all swings on your personal interpretation of PERFECT. For me, If I like it, or it makes me comfortable, then it is PERFECT!
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Post by knave on Mar 12, 2020 14:56:54 GMT -5
Good. There is nothing bad about good. Lol
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Post by 1dave on Mar 13, 2020 12:42:31 GMT -5
It all swings on your personal interpretation of PERFECT. For me, If I like it, or it makes me comfortable, then it is PERFECT! PERFECTION is a path more than a destination!
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Post by rockjunquie on Mar 14, 2020 8:57:34 GMT -5
My brother is a true blue perfectionist and OCD. He can not function normally. He is trapped in a destructive mindset and has tried for decades to overcome it. For any one who THINKS they are perfectionists- walk a day in his shoes and you may be perfectly happy with yourself. I feel horrible for him. He is like in this self perpetuating prison of anxiety ridden choices and outcomes. He is almost incapable of decision making because he can't predict every outcome. Kinda like Nietzsche. He is a bit paranoid, too. No professionals have helped him, no medication has cured him. It is a miserable existence. However, he is probably the best poet that you will ever never read.
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Post by knave on Mar 14, 2020 9:00:05 GMT -5
My brother is a true blue perfectionist and OCD. He can not function normally. He is trapped in a destructive mindset and has tried for decades to overcome it. For any one who THINKS they are perfectionists- walk a day in his shoes and you may be perfectly happy with yourself. I feel horrible for him. He is like in this self perpetuating prison of anxiety ridden choices and outcomes. He is almost incapable of decision making because he can't predict every outcome. Kinda like Nietzsche. He is a bit paranoid, too. No professionals have helped him, no medication has cured him. It is a miserable existence. However, he is probably the best poet that you will ever never read. I am so lucky to have a supporting wife who had me go get help. I still struggle with OCD but it’s not nearly as bad. I would get this extremely strong feeling that something was wrong so I would go back over everything I touched in the last few moments.
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Post by MsAli on Mar 14, 2020 12:16:38 GMT -5
My brother is a true blue perfectionist and OCD. He can not function normally. He is trapped in a destructive mindset and has tried for decades to overcome it. For any one who THINKS they are perfectionists- walk a day in his shoes and you may be perfectly happy with yourself. I feel horrible for him. He is like in this self perpetuating prison of anxiety ridden choices and outcomes. He is almost incapable of decision making because he can't predict every outcome. Kinda like Nietzsche. He is a bit paranoid, too. No professionals have helped him, no medication has cured him. It is a miserable existence. However, he is probably the best poet that you will ever never read. I cringe a tad when someone tells me they are a "perfectionist" because of this. It's become a red flag to me
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Post by 1dave on Mar 16, 2020 6:49:40 GMT -5
Communication is our #ONE problem. SEEING how the recipient of our communication is reacting to it, and having a clue as to how what you said affects them can help you make sure your message gets across. You CAN learn how to improve that ability. Product details Paperback: 240 pages Publisher: Random House Trade Paperbacks; Reprint edition (March 6, 2018) Language: English ISBN-10: 9780812989151 ISBN-13: 978-0812989151 ASIN: 0812989155 Product Dimensions: 5.1 x 0.6 x 8 inches Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces
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Post by MsAli on Mar 16, 2020 7:12:43 GMT -5
The main problem Dave is communicating through messages, email, FB, on here, whatever.
We make judgement about people based n how they communicate in writing and some of us are horrible at it
Digital communication sucks! You cannot HEAR what the other person is saying. And being that we all have our own "language" it makes it even harder.
People claim friendships or whatever, but they fail to talk to each other & I mean picking up the dam phone and actually talking
A good example of that is I recently lost someone, who I valued as a friend (at least I thought we were). I keep going back & thinking of how he reacted and how I could of done things differently & it boils down to lack of communication. The refusal to actually call and talk. Instead it was all text & how things get lost in translation.
It is what it is, but it still hurts
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Post by 1dave on Mar 16, 2020 7:54:37 GMT -5
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Post by parfive on Mar 17, 2020 12:02:21 GMT -5
Shelley completed “The Last Man” when she was a 28-year-old widow. She was grieving the loss of her husband, the poet Percy Bysshe Shelley, and three of their children. Her first baby girl was born prematurely and survived less than two weeks, the next daughter died of a fever, and her firstborn son died of malaria. Then her young husband drowned in a sailing accident at the peak of his career. Writing “The Last Man” was her attempt to reconcile herself to the tragedies of life without losing hope in humanity itself.
Mary Shelley Created ‘Frankenstein,’ and Then a Pandemic
www.nytimes.com/2020/03/13/opinion/mary-shelley-sc-fi-pandemic-novel.html
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Post by 1dave on Mar 21, 2020 17:56:06 GMT -5
Being an Analytical does NOT mean you are smart. www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/10-curses-of-the-analytical-thinker/10 curses of the analytical thinker by Alan Norton in 10 Things , in Data Centers on May 4, 2011, 11:56 PM PST Being a left-brain thinker can be an asset in the IT field. But as Alan Norton observes, it's not without its shortcomings.The average person may envision IT as the home of the geek. I prefer to think of IT as the kingdom of the analytical thinker. Analytical thinkers, or left-brain thinkers, are straight-line thinkers. Logic, not emotion, rules in the land of the analytical. The very traits that make an analytical person poor with people make them good with computers. And that is perhaps why IT is loaded with socially inept information junkies who would prefer to hang out by themselves instead of attending a party. I am a highly analytical person myself. This has served me well in my analyst/programmer jobs over the years. But I have also experienced the many downsides of being analytical. Perhaps you have experienced one or more of these curses of the analytical thinker yourself. Note: This article is also available as a PDF download. 1: Information addict Analytical thinkers just can't get enough information. They devour Web pages about everything from the weather to the latest high tech gadget. They are gluttons for online discussions, but they're more often lurkers than participants. They have voracious appetites for facts and figures of any kind. They head straight for the specs page when shopping for anything more technologically sophisticated than an alarm clock. The siren call of the Internet cries out, "Step right up to the buffet -- all the information you can eat for one low price". I can understand how this behavior might be really annoying to a family member. Please understand it is natural for humans to seek after information -- just not as compulsively as the analytical thinker seeks it. Come to think of it, this propensity for information binging might explain the swelled heads of a few IT personnel I have encountered over the years. 2: Vacillatory Most people see only one side of a controversial issue. Not the analytical thinker. To him, every issue has pros and cons. To him, the glass can be both half full and half empty at the same time. The analytical will inevitably be known as Dr. Doom to some and the eternal optimist to others. Being both a pessimist and an optimist gives the impression to friends that the analytical is wishy-washy, assuming he has any friends. 3: Indecisive Because the analytical likes to gather as many facts as possible before making an informed decision, he may be perceived by others as being indecisive. The phrase "lead or get off the pot" could apply to the analytical manager who is so busy gathering information that he often overlooks the value of a quick, definitive decision. 4: Insensitive I was once explaining parts of a client/server system to Mark, one of our mainframe guys. I pointed to the screen and said something like, "As you can see right here..." There was only one problem with that gesture and statement: Mark was totally blind. I was so embarrassed that I froze and said nothing. Had Mark been able to see he would have seen a flushed face with perspiration beginning to form at the hairline. This kind of "foot in mouth" behavior isn't that unusual for an analytical. I now realize that I should have had the courtesy to acknowledge my gaffe and apologize, but words failed me at the time. It may be more than 15 years late, but Mark please accept this apology for my insensitivity. 5: Habitual "You want me to do what-- skip lunch? Are you kidding?" Missing lunch to complete some inane pet project for my manager was physically upsetting. My blood pressure rose. My stress hormones rose. Yes, I was angry. Stand well clear of a hypoglycemic logician when sustenance has been withheld! It can be hard to for analyticals to break their habits. They prefer the predictable, daily routine and are resistant to change. A left-brain thinker may lack motivation when starting a new project, but once started, they are like a persistent bulldog working to complete the project. It's not that they can't accept change; analyticals would just prefer it not intrude upon their comfort zone 6: Socially inept I once told a young lady who I was friends with that she was overweight. Well, she did ask. I never got a chance to tell her that it, the weight, was in all the right places. Analyticals take matters literally -- too literally. It is not the intention of the analytical to be critical but rather to provide an honest assessment, although it is almost always perceived as criticism. Unfortunately for the well-intentioned analytical, people don't like an "honest assessment" of their looks, behavior, general hygiene, or body fat index. The irony is that these socially oblivious, albeit honest assessors usually don't take criticism well themselves. 7: Skeptical "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time." Abraham Lincoln is supposed to have said this. Politicians, of all people, know that it's hard to fool a logical thinker. If you want to sell anything to left-brain thinkers, you'd better explain why they need it. An analytical needs facts, not feelings or persuasive platitudes. If you are a manager trying to convince a team of programmers that a project can be completed two months ahead of schedule, you'd better come armed with facts to support how such a miracle can be achieved. The pushback you are almost certain to receive is a predictable response from the cynical analytical. 8: Poor marketers The very thing that makes analyticals good product reviewers is what makes them poor at the sales pitch. They thoroughly and accurately note both the positive and negative attributes of the product they are reviewing. One of the important skills needed to land a job is self promotion. While others may exaggerate their positive traits, the analytical person does not. Stating that you prefer working with computers rather than people may be an honest and unbiased analysis but is perceived as a black mark by the interviewer. I know I am weak at promoting myself. I have worked at improving my marketing skills. But if I could get away with it, I would hire a marketing specialist for my next job interview! 9: Politically incorrect When I write I try to address the very real possibility that there might actually be personages of the female persuasion reading my musings. I try to throw in at least one" he or she" in recognition of this. The truth is that I put readability ahead of political correctness. Right or wrong, I believe that including references to both genders is tedious for the patient reader. So ladies, please forgive my political incorrectness. I am indeed honored to have you as a guest. 10: Loners We analyticals would rather spend time alone with a good book or movie than with people. It's not that we dislike people, per se. We just find them boring, uninspiring, and mundane. To the all seeing and all knowing analytical, the average person is like the emperor in the story "The Emperor's New Clothes"-- there's nothing there. I mean, really, when was the last time you found someone who wanted to discuss the theory of relativity or the law of diminishing marginal returns? The bottom line Sure, the analytical thinker can appear to be cold, insensitive, and logical, somewhat akin to the personality of Mr. Spock, but the world needs these attributes. After all, it would take only one analytical lemming to save the others from mythological disaster by telling his friends, "Hey guys, I don't think this cliff diving idea is so good after all." Every curse is a blessing in disguise. Because analytical thinkers like information in tabular format, I give you the 10 blessings for the aforementioned curses: Each curse can be viewed as a blessing. Give your favorite analytical person a break the next time you want to scream at him. The characteristics you find so annoying do have positive benefits to society. Author's Note: While these traits may apply in part or in whole to me and other analytical people, we are all complex creatures. It is not my intention to imply that such a simplistic view applies to all analytical thinkers.
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Post by mohs on Mar 21, 2020 18:17:25 GMT -5
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Master_and_His_EmissaryI’ve delved into this study a couple What a historical study ! The author may be a bit over optimistic, concerning his conclusions; that he’s pin-pointed mankind’s major fault Nonetheless this author and, James Jaynes, “The Origin of Consciousness and the Breakdown of Bi-Cameral Mind" is right on mind thoughts
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Post by MsAli on Mar 23, 2020 11:53:51 GMT -5
Ghosting may be especially hurtful for those on the receiving end, causing feelings of ostracism and rejection. Some mental health professionals consider ghosting to be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse, a type of silent treatment or stonewalling behaviour, and emotional cruelty.[13] In his article, "In Defense of Ghosting", Alexander Abad-Santos states: "the thing that undermines these diatribes against ghosting is that...[we] know what happened with their ghost. It just didn't work out and sometimes we just can't accept it."[16] He continues: " t the heart of it, ghosting is as clear as any other form of rejection. The reason we complain about it is because we wanted a different outcome ... which is totally understandable."[17]
However, this argument does not account for the inherent ambiguity in ghosting—the person being ghosted does not know whether they are being rejected for something they or somebody else did, whether the person doing it is ashamed or does not know how to break up (or is scared of hurting the other's feelings), the person may have started dating someone else or is just extremely busy, or if they are keeping you as a reserve option in case a relationship does not work out with another date. It may become impossible to tell which it is, making it stressful and painful.[18]
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Post by 1dave on Mar 23, 2020 12:23:44 GMT -5
Ghosting may be especially hurtful for those on the receiving end, causing feelings of ostracism and rejection. Some mental health professionals consider ghosting to be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse, a type of silent treatment or stonewalling behaviour, and emotional cruelty.[13] In his article, "In Defense of Ghosting", Alexander Abad-Santos states: "the thing that undermines these diatribes against ghosting is that...[we] know what happened with their ghost. It just didn't work out and sometimes we just can't accept it."[16] He continues: " t the heart of it, ghosting is as clear as any other form of rejection. The reason we complain about it is because we wanted a different outcome ... which is totally understandable."[17]
However, this argument does not account for the inherent ambiguity in ghosting—the person being ghosted does not know whether they are being rejected for something they or somebody else did, whether the person doing it is ashamed or does not know how to break up (or is scared of hurting the other's feelings), the person may have started dating someone else or is just extremely busy, or if they are keeping you as a reserve option in case a relationship does not work out with another date. It may become impossible to tell which it is, making it stressful and painful.[18]
Interesting! Something I had never thought about. I tend to be oblivious, so if someone was "ghosting" me, I probably would never notice it. I had heard of some religions ostracizing members that stray from their chosen paths, but that is about it.
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