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Post by MsAli on Nov 14, 2018 18:02:52 GMT -5
Maybe there is a mix of both
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RWA3006
Cave Dweller
Member since March 2009
Posts: 4,277
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Post by RWA3006 on Nov 14, 2018 22:41:23 GMT -5
You guys make some good points. I've btdt too and can relate. I'm 25 years out of a divorce that absolutely crushed me and now I'm 20 years into another marriage. This one's going just fine, but sometimes in rare, quiet moments when I'm more self aware I realize the full hurt is still there lurking under the surface. The main difference is I have evolved to better handle it and am stronger and wiser than before. Because of my experience with ex wife and divorce I am a far, far better man today. In fact, I wouldn't trade my horrible experience for anything because it enabled me to touch my potential. That doesn't mean I'd sign up for the experience again, but wow, did it put me on a better path for growth.
Sadly, the same can't be said for ex wife. She was a betrayer in our relationship and karma is taking it's toll on her. At one time she was a wonderful person but because of her choices she is not fit to be in a relationship. I wouldn't take her back if she was the last woman on earth. She doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve to damage my dignity on her any more.
I guess I'm saying that if you are early in your trajectory of a divorce don't despair because if I can reap such a success out of it, you can too. A little professional counseling can be a big help.
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 7:54:04 GMT -5
You guys make some good points. I've btdt too and can relate. I'm 25 years out of a divorce that absolutely crushed me and now I'm 20 years into another marriage. This one's going just fine, but sometimes in rare, quiet moments when I'm more self aware I realize the full hurt is still there lurking under the surface. The main difference is I have evolved to better handle it and am stronger and wiser than before. Because of my experience with ex wife and divorce I am a far, far better man today. In fact, I wouldn't trade my horrible experience for anything because it enabled me to touch my potential. That doesn't mean I'd sign up for the experience again, but wow, did it put me on a better path for growth. Sadly, the same can't be said for ex wife. She was a betrayer in our relationship and karma is taking it's toll on her. At one time she was a wonderful person but because of her choices she is not fit to be in a relationship. I wouldn't take her back if she was the last woman on earth. She doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve to damage my dignity on her any more. I guess I'm saying that if you are early in your trajectory of a divorce don't despair because if I can reap such a success out of it, you can too. A little professional counseling can be a big help. I love this! You said so many things that I relate too Thank you for sharing
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Post by rockjunquie on Nov 15, 2018 9:45:58 GMT -5
I have to say that living through my first marriage nightmare made me a worse person. It took many years to get over. I think I had PTSD. My husband now, makes me a better person. But, before that, I was distrustful, irritable, depressed, angry, short fused, and anything else I can't think of right now. It was terrible. I did go to counseling, though, and it helped.
My daughter that just got married, was engaged to a local comedian. It was awful and I was so glad when they broke it off. He used her as the butt of his jokes. She was miserable and became a miserable person. Thankfully, they had no kids and it didn't last long. I hated to see the changes in her. But, she snapped out of it pretty quick.
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 10:55:07 GMT -5
I was a worse human while married Years of emotional abuse took its toll and I hated life. It sucked the spirit out of me My mom always said my eyes were dead Now I'm getting that spirit back and loving life again
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Post by HankRocks on Nov 15, 2018 11:03:02 GMT -5
I was a worse human while married Years of emotional abuse took its toll and I hated life. It sucked the spirit out of me My mom always said my eyes were dead Now I'm getting that spirit back and loving life again Getting out of a bad relationship is always good for you. Playing with rocks and hanging around all the rock folks out here ain't bad either!!
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Fossilman
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2009
Posts: 20,690
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Post by Fossilman on Nov 15, 2018 11:39:00 GMT -5
Well hang on to your hats folks..... Five x's for this old goat!! 1st time, was a fluck, young, just out of the Army, drinking and hooping! It was a disaster!! Two boys from that marriage (The best thing about it), the rest was pure hell.. Rich chick, had to have it all, I mean all!! Drained me dry for many years...(till the boys were 18 years old).. I stuck to my guns, never missed child support, tried visiting boys as much as I could ( When she would let me)...
#2... Pretty good, but we were both messed up and decided to part ways, one girl out of that marriage, we did the right thing and gave our daughter what she deserved, a mom and dad, with no quarrels, no fighting, just going our separate ways.....
#3 The gal from hell!!! Two boys from that marriage... I finally took her to court, got the boys and raised them myself! The best thing that ever happened to me and those two boys!!
#4.... Love of my life! Both had about the same path and some things needed worked on, with mind sets, life and etc.. We parted ways for four years and than started over again.. No infidelity or booze and (or) drugs.. So #5 Same woman, we have been together ever since... We believe in marriage, each other and all our kids (Eight)...There are no stepchildren, they are children.... Most of my kids call her Mom as hers calls me Dad... We have 14 grandkids, all are loved as we are loved back... Learn to let go when you have too, the past is the past (let it go), nothing in the future either (It doesn't exist).. When you wake up in the am, make it a point to do better than you did yesterday... Never lie to one another (no matter what).. Be patience, loving and understanding.. It works and have the same goals in life, but also have time away from one another too.. It all balances out... Most of all, if it works out, than work it out... If there is trouble around every corner or one of the people in the relationship is not cooperating, than just let it go and walk away!! As a kid I seen blood on the floors everyday and night !! Parents drinking, fighting, blood, screaming, you name it... It took me many years to let that go and to not bring that nightmare into my relationships... My parents divorced and were better friends than they were husband and wife, but the damage was done! My dad was a father, not a dad....Pure asshole, till the day he died.. Mom was broken, spirit and soul, died with a broken heart... That is a lot of baggage to carry around with you as a kid and adult! My brothers and I broke that chain and gave our kids the love that was needed.... We all, but one had failed marriages, even some of our kids did also... I think its apart of life and who you are that either makes it work, or fixes it or just walks away! One last thing, "DON"T EVER LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP<NEVER"!!!! It will destroy you for life! That is truth... In this time in life, I am happy, my wife Tammy is happy, our children and grandchildren are happy, best of all love is there to hold us all together...
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Post by rockjunquie on Nov 15, 2018 11:47:01 GMT -5
Well hang on to your hats folks..... Five x's for this old goat!! 1st time, was a fluck, young, just out of the Army, drinking and hooping! It was a disaster!! Two boys from that marriage (The best thing about it), the rest was pure hell.. Rich chick, had to have it all, I mean all!! Drained me dry for many years...(till the boys were 18 years old).. I stuck to my guns, never missed child support, tried visiting boys as much as I could ( When she would let me)... #2... Pretty good, but we were both messed up and decided to part ways, one girl out of that marriage, we did the right thing and gave our daughter what she deserved, a mom and dad, with no quarrels, no fighting, just going our separate ways..... #3 The gal from hell!!! Two boys from that marriage... I finally took her to court, got the boys and raised them myself! The best thing that ever happened to me and those two boys!! #4.... Love of my life! Both had about the same path and some things needed worked on, with mind sets, life and etc.. We parted ways for four years and than started over again.. No infidelity or booze and (or) drugs.. So #5 Same woman, we have been together ever since... We believe in marriage, each other and all our kids (Eight)...There are no stepchildren, they are children.... Most of my kids call her Mom as hers calls me Dad... We have 14 grandkids, all are loved as we are loved back... Learn to let go when you have too, the past is the past (let it go), nothing in the future either (It doesn't exist).. When you wake up in the am, make it a point to do better than you did yesterday... Never lie to one another (no matter what).. Be patience, loving and understanding.. It works and have the same goals in life, but also have time away from one another too.. It all balances out... Most of all, if it works out, than work it out... If there is trouble around every corner or one of the people in the relationship is not cooperating, than just let it go and walk away!! As a kid I seen blood on the floors everyday and night !! Parents drinking, fighting, blood, screaming, you name it... It took me many years to let that go and to not bring that nightmare into my relationships... My parents divorced and were better friends than they were husband and wife, but the damage was done! My dad was a father, not a dad....Pure asshole, till the day he died.. Mom was broken, spirit and soul, died with a broken heart... That is a lot of baggage to carry around with you as a kid and adult! My brothers and I broke that chain and gave our kids the love that was needed.... We all, but one had failed marriages, even some of our kids did also... I think its apart of life and who you are that either makes it work, or fixes it or just walks away! One last thing, "DON"T EVER LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP<NEVER"!!!! It will destroy you for life! That is truth... In this time in life, I am happy, my wife Tammy is happy, our children and grandchildren are happy, best of all love is there to hold us all together... Two thumbs up. And, yup- never stay in an abusive relationship.
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 13:54:46 GMT -5
I was a worse human while married Years of emotional abuse took its toll and I hated life. It sucked the spirit out of me My mom always said my eyes were dead Now I'm getting that spirit back and loving life again Getting out of a bad relationship is always good for you. Playing with rocks and hanging around all the rock folks out here ain't bad either!! Yall have lifted my spirits probably more than you know
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Post by rockjunquie on Nov 15, 2018 14:59:23 GMT -5
Wow I’m learning a lot! Its helping me put things in perspective how many have triumph and moved on into a much stronger positive future/ I always wondered what was wrong with me….mostly Why I haven’t ascended better? I’m not making any specific references to any previous post ! Make that clear! And I appreciate if no one would quote this post. But I don’t really care I just prefer it not be. But ya’ll have helped me have an insight. Why I allowed myself to struggle with my dissolution where other have better triumphed? It lies in the fact that my marriage was fantastic. Wonderful 14 years. Her & I both faithful, committed, on the same track mostly. Now don’t get me wrong we had some problems. But most of those were innocent dumb young learning curve stuff. I got involved with this woman who already had 3 children. Babes basically. She was pregnant with the third when I was first attracted to her. She was newly divorce and had just moved back to AZ from some northern state. Our respective parents had been friendly. I never knew her previously, but knew of her. This woman for some reason made these 3 children with some loser. His parents were enablers and she was living with them. He'd get out jail. Get her pregnant. Go back to jail. Get out jail- get her pregnant go back to jail. Let’s do that 3 times. Then she had enough! She started divorce proceeding and moved back with kids to her family in AZ. Those children never met their biological father. He was always in jail, and they were really young. The oldest (who was 3 years old at the time) barely recalls him. I wanted nothing to do with him while I was married to her. Can ya ll see how this story is already incredibly convoluted? This lady was smart. Intelligent, great cook. Good mother, a fine mate, and hard innovative worker. She had so much value. She was tossing it all away. Why? Hard to say. Some tweaked upbringing--- but the biggest problem was her weight. It caused her low self-esteem and she latched on to the first guy that charmed her I guess… Anyway I enter the picture…. and the rest is history. A thriving family. Kids growing, starting schools, doing vacations, lots of family support on both sides. Our financial situation pretty darn good. Against all odds. We were a success! Until the quick end. So already this story is convoluted. It can’t be told easily. It doesn’t fit many models. And I need to take a break from it.... Sorry, Ed. I can already tell it was a bad ending. If reading these posts has helped in any way, then I am glad.
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 15:13:49 GMT -5
Take your time Ed, we are here for you and it helps to get it out And I can probably answer the why you still struggle with it
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metalsmith
Cave Dweller
Member since October 2012
Posts: 1,537
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Post by metalsmith on Nov 15, 2018 16:12:40 GMT -5
Well I'm in the middle of it.
I was run over and lucky me won a lot of the complications... for year after year. Lots of pain; lots of physio and despite the medics saying I'll never improve - I will - I'm damned stubborn - and I was ... came the divorce. Nice timing.
Just when I'm getting on top of it (though maybe I'll never be quite fixed) For better, for worse etc ... in sickness and in health?
But then she went bat-shit and some scenes played out that had a better place on a cinema screen than real life. I kept my cool and kept things the way I could and can hold my head up high.
(Despite lots of counseling) my anxiety levels are still occasionally challenged but you know I can see clearly now and she showed her true colours (and lack of metal).
There's a lot best left unsaid. Not least for the court cases.
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NRG
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2018
Posts: 1,630
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Post by NRG on Nov 15, 2018 16:25:42 GMT -5
fossilmanMike, Great perspective. Forgive the following tease. I think it's a _fluke_ that you have 3 ex's. You had five marriages, but only 3 ex wives. /s Keep on being better every day. That's the way to live!
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Post by mohs on Nov 15, 2018 17:10:06 GMT -5
Ya know I have ten thousand posts I never really mentioned any of this,
A few times to rock pals who I met on line, and came to visit, I’d mention real life. Other wise pretty mums.
As were all other members about their past. That what I liked about rock pals, getting on with the hobby Letting the past be past.
There just no damn profit publicly displaying things.... mostly Not even in private really. another 10,000 posts before I finish ha
If were working rocks then relatively speaking were alright.
powerock !
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 17:22:54 GMT -5
There is something I always try to remember and that's at one point I loved him and I could not foresee the future (dam crystal ball) So I need to forgive myself for that which I did not know was coming Holding on to anger, bitterness, hurt, well that's no longer him doing that, that's me doing it to myself.
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 19:54:59 GMT -5
Well I'm in the middle of it. I was run over and lucky me won a lot of the complications... for year after year. Lots of pain; lots of physio and despite the medics saying I'll never improve - I will - I'm damned stubborn - and I was ... came the divorce. Nice timing. Just when I'm getting on top of it (though maybe I'll never be quite fixed) For better, for worse etc ... in sickness and in health? But then she went bat-shit and some scenes played out that had a better place on a cinema screen than real life. I kept my cool and kept things the way I could and can hold my head up high. (Despite lots of counseling) my anxiety levels are still occasionally challenged but you know I can see clearly now and she showed her true colours (and lack of metal). There's a lot best left unsaid. Not least for the court cases. I am very sorry that happened to you Please know that you are far better off without a person that would do that to you
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Post by mohs on Nov 15, 2018 20:11:39 GMT -5
finally I found the right song for this thread beautiful sentiments m stly
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RWA3006
Cave Dweller
Member since March 2009
Posts: 4,277
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Post by RWA3006 on Nov 15, 2018 20:17:04 GMT -5
Mohs, she did it because she could. A person could drive themselves insane trying to explain the unexplainable. So many people are so amazingly illogical, irrational, immoral, unjust, etc, that it is a veritable mine field out there. There are no guarantees you'll get a good mate. Life is fraught with risk ... but I think it's worth it. The best thing I can come up with is to work on myself. By doing this, things seem to fall into place a little better for me.
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Post by MsAli on Nov 15, 2018 20:20:45 GMT -5
Mohs, she did it because she could. A person could drive themselves insane trying to explain the unexplainable. So many people are so amazingly illogical, irrational, immoral, unjust, etc, that it is a veritable mine field out there. There are no guarantees you'll get a good mate. Life is fraught with risk ... but I think it's worth it. The best thing I can come up with is to work on myself. By doing this, things seem to fall into place a little better for me. Exactly! People sometimes break our hearts, that's all thier is too it But you have to get to a point where you have to ask if they are still breaking your heart or are you the one breaking it over and over by not letting go?
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Post by mohs on Nov 15, 2018 20:23:03 GMT -5
Thanks RWA3006 ! I liked reading your post hope it keep rolling as good as can be Pal! Ed
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