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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 20, 2005 20:04:05 GMT -5
cept go and pick up the garbage --cause they had the 110 color glossy photographs----hahaha
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Post by Toad on Jan 22, 2005 22:48:07 GMT -5
Banjo, the lawyer quotes are priceless.
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Post by stoner on Jan 26, 2005 2:09:20 GMT -5
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
The rooster clucks defiant...
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Jan 26, 2005 6:46:29 GMT -5
I loved the lawyer quotes too ;D --------------------------------------------------------------- An old lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. MORAL: Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Jan 29, 2005 19:03:43 GMT -5
(Thank God for church ladies with typewriters). These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Cavalry Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The fasting and prayer conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" [sic] to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall...Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies bible study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00 All ladies are invited to lunch in the fellowship hall after the BS is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low self esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge; up yours
Carry on, hope you got a smile out of at least one these.
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Feb 1, 2005 2:31:01 GMT -5
LOL Banjo - those were hilarious ;D
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Post by krazydiamond on Feb 2, 2005 10:12:06 GMT -5
(this one's for MA(ndy)rk and Doc...)
HEAVY THINKING
It started out innocently enough: I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone --"to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night at his mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Shirley, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I went home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking--" "I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and he began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting, we watch a noneducational video; last week it was "Dumb and Dumber." Then we share an experience about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.
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Post by krazydiamond on Feb 8, 2005 19:15:32 GMT -5
I know some of you can't relate to this (especially women) but you need to know what most of us men are troubled with!
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years."
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,
"Dye it? What color is it now?"
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momma
starting to spend too much on rocks
YUMMY
Member since December 2004
Posts: 183
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Post by momma on Feb 8, 2005 19:26:42 GMT -5
Norman and his blonde wife live in Wisconsin. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park.......... " then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 8, 2005 23:02:27 GMT -5
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 10, 2005 2:08:12 GMT -5
Are You a Computer Illiterate?
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid." The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,095
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Post by stefan on Feb 10, 2005 10:21:13 GMT -5
Two brooms have a baby wisk broom- But they are very confused because they had never "sweeped" together-
Ok how about these 2 strings that walk into a bar- the bartender tells them to get out because they don't serve strings- so they leave- Well out on the sidewalk the on string ties himself into knots then rubbs is head on the sidewalk and becomes raggedy- He walks back into the bar and the bartended asks if he is a string- The string replies "No I'm A Fraid Knot"
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Post by krazydiamond on Feb 10, 2005 13:25:11 GMT -5
There's a delightful perversity about this logic …..
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are low?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation??
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you disrobe? They're going to see you naked anyway?
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Post by krazydiamond on Feb 11, 2005 19:08:51 GMT -5
Just 2 Drops of Water, Please. > > This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify, save a copy till > you do. (no matter how long) > > A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops > of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this > cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." > The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. > In > fact, this one is on me." > As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would > like > to buy you a drink, too." > The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops > of > water." > "Coming up," says the bartender. > As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy > you one, too." > The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two > drops of water." > "Coming! right up," the bartender says. > As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why > the > Scotch with only two drops of water?" > > You're gonna like this one ------------------------- > > The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to > hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Feb 15, 2005 7:32:46 GMT -5
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN... 1) You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2) You have not played solitaire with real cards in years. 3) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3 4) You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5) Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 6) You go home after a long day at work you still answer the telephone in a business manner. 7) You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8) You have sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10) You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11) Your boss does not have the ability to do your job. 12) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13) Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14) Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 or 60 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15) You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee. 16) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. . 17) You are reading this, nodding and laughing. 18) Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19) You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 20) You actually scrolled back up to check that there was not a #9 on this list. ;D
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Feb 16, 2005 8:14:07 GMT -5
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses....................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the....................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ...! ...... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................... looks dirty.
7. No news is....................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ........ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is....................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is! .................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .......you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than .................... pregnant.
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Feb 21, 2005 8:38:27 GMT -5
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Feb 21, 2005 8:58:23 GMT -5
Five tips for women !!
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
;D ;D
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Feb 25, 2005 7:07:45 GMT -5
Sound familiar?
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Mar 3, 2005 13:01:14 GMT -5
Subject new phrases for your next meeting TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*lls. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up/ass kissing the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake. MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested documen t could not be located. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') New entries for the Oxford English Dictionary 2005 GOING FOR A McSH*T - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the restroom. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh*t with Lies. BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am in the morning. BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first piss in the pub/bar, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the restroom will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH- A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!". MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the restroom after your 10th pint, ! and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
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