spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Sept 19, 2016 14:47:59 GMT -5
Canadian Makes Thousands of Dollars Smuggling Water into the U.S.
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Sept 26, 2016 12:36:44 GMT -5
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 27, 2016 4:33:09 GMT -5
I think you’re the father of one of my kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says,
"Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I’m your son’s teacher."
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 27, 2016 4:44:28 GMT -5
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up that Senior Center .
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 27, 2016 4:51:30 GMT -5
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'
'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'
'What about that eye patch?'
'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'
'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'
'Well It was my first day with the hook.
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 27, 2016 4:52:50 GMT -5
◦What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
◦If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
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Post by rockjunquie on Sept 28, 2016 14:15:00 GMT -5
◦What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? ◦If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. That was terrible! LOL!
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Oct 5, 2016 5:41:18 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 5, 2016 14:28:11 GMT -5
An Ideal Husband
A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three things that she’s looking for in a husband:
She wants a man who won’t beat her. She wants a man that won’t leave her. She wants a really great lover. A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, “How may I help you?”
He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.
She says, “Oh, but I am looking for a man that won’t beat me.”
He replies, “I have no arms. How can I beat you?”
She says, “Ok, but I want someone who won’t leave me.”
And he replies, “I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I can’t even move. How could I leave you?”
She nods her head and says, “Well, what I really want is a great lover.”
The man looks at her and says, “Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?!”
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Post by captbob on Oct 13, 2016 15:07:08 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Oct 15, 2016 10:04:50 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Oct 22, 2016 13:05:23 GMT -5
They said I was gullible - - - And I believed them!
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Post by MrMike on Oct 27, 2016 5:50:41 GMT -5
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Post by spiceman on Oct 27, 2016 21:55:40 GMT -5
Two drunks walking down an alley. They look over and see a dog licking himself. One drunk says "I wish I could do that". The other drunk says "I think you better ask him first".
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Fossilman
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2009
Posts: 20,687
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Post by Fossilman on Oct 28, 2016 10:09:41 GMT -5
Two drunks walking down an alley. They look over and see a dog licking himself. One drunk says "I wish I could do that". The other drunk says "I think you better ask him first". LOL
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Nov 13, 2016 13:20:30 GMT -5
Hahaha!
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Post by rockjunquie on Nov 13, 2016 16:51:11 GMT -5
Hahaha! I have 99% of my Christmas shopping done. Sad but true. I hate waiting till the last minute.
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Post by captbob on Nov 14, 2016 23:15:54 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Dec 1, 2016 8:32:28 GMT -5
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Post by jakesrocks on Dec 10, 2016 22:36:27 GMT -5
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they didn’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back, “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent they stink terribly.”
“Good”, the doctor said, “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
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