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Post by spiceman on Dec 11, 2016 0:01:54 GMT -5
2 great poets die the same day and up at the gates, Saint Peter says "I have to send one of you back. The world can't deal with the death of 2 great poets in one day. So you both have to makeup a poem using the word "Timbuktu ". So I can deside which one goes back. Poet 1 said" while gazing across the dessert sands the sweat from my forehead dripped in my hands
A covered wagon came into view Its destination Timbuktu.
Poet 2 says. Tim and I a hunting we went Spied three ladies in a tent They were 3 and we but 2 So, I bucked one and Timbuktu
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Post by jakesrocks on Dec 12, 2016 10:56:45 GMT -5
Mel is gonna love this one.
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW JERSEY LAWYER Only in Texas my friends, Only in Texas ...Too bad... A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and Is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer... The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.' The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats. Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket ... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' 'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
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Post by captbob on Dec 12, 2016 11:18:13 GMT -5
I like it Don! Shared on my gun forum.
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Post by captbob on Dec 15, 2016 17:35:01 GMT -5
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ChicagoDave
has rocks in the head
Member since June 2016
Posts: 720
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Post by ChicagoDave on Dec 15, 2016 17:58:02 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Dec 20, 2016 13:38:52 GMT -5
Christmas story you may not have heard
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
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Post by spiceman on Dec 20, 2016 21:16:14 GMT -5
Christmas joke Johnny joke Johnny was about to sit on Santas lap and Johnny's mom told Santa: "Don't give him anything he has been bad all year." Santa was delivering his gifts and came to Johnny's house but forgot to bring something bad to give Johnny. So around the yard was dog poop so Santa scooped it up and put it under the tree for Johnny. Christmas Day he got a call from a friend. He said" I got a train some cars, a new baseball glove, so what did you get. Johnny said, well I got a dog but I have not found him yet. LOL
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Post by vegasjames on Dec 28, 2016 3:14:25 GMT -5
Is smoking pot then masturbating considered weed whacking?
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jan 7, 2017 16:30:53 GMT -5
For iceberg hunters on the seas, the term “iceberg” alone is inadequate. Icebergs may be described as tabular, dome shaped, pinnacled, drydock, glacier, weathered, tilted, growlers or blocky. A newly classified one for 2017 was spotted and named the......
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Post by rockjunquie on Jan 7, 2017 16:42:07 GMT -5
Surprised it's not smaller seeing how cold that water is.
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Jan 7, 2017 16:46:16 GMT -5
Surprised it's not smaller seeing how cold that water is. Thank god for global warming eh....
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Post by captbob on Jan 13, 2017 0:18:22 GMT -5
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive female golfer, divorcee, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa bar, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it! "Oh, come on now," she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive and I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jan 22, 2017 18:22:16 GMT -5
One sunny day in late January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?” The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
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Post by jakesrocks on Jan 28, 2017 15:20:34 GMT -5
And God created Man. On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.” So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Post by vegasjames on Feb 6, 2017 1:06:23 GMT -5
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bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719
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Post by bushmanbilly on Apr 28, 2017 21:45:15 GMT -5
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Post by youp50 on Apr 30, 2017 14:29:05 GMT -5
After seeing the eagle in the pictures thread I was reminded,
One fine bright October day an Upper Michigan game warden checked a grouse hunter and found the man to be in possession of a brace of sharp shine hawks. A federally protected species. While writing citations the warden asked the man what he planned to do with the hawks.
"Well, I was going to eat them" he replied in his south Texas drawl.
"Eat them! What do they taste like?" the warden fired back.
"Well, bout like a bald eagle, I reckon." came the reply.
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jamesp
Cave Dweller
Member since October 2012
Posts: 36,158
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Post by jamesp on May 26, 2017 2:24:04 GMT -5
Watching Ragging Bull with Robert Dinero two nights ago. Clicked info to see when film was made. Raging Bull verses Raging Bulls, hmmm Had to read it 4 times before it sunk in.
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Post by 1dave on May 26, 2017 14:20:15 GMT -5
AAAAA = American Association Against Acronym Abuse
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Post by mohs on May 26, 2017 15:35:33 GMT -5
Funny you bring that up Dave I have a funny about acronYms I was presenting my resume to prospective employer My opening introduction starts with this
The interviewer immediately asked what is ISO ? Ha !
I told her its stand for International Organization for Standardization
Which I told her is funny Because the acronym is not standardize Ha Ha
From wiki
basically in a I.T. ISO shop procedures are documented
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