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Post by mohs on Jul 2, 2018 15:38:57 GMT -5
we've evolved
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Fossilman
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2009
Posts: 20,689
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Post by Fossilman on Jul 20, 2018 18:00:30 GMT -5
One evening, soon after their honeymoon, Bill was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should also consider selling your Harley along with your gun collection, and your fishing gear, and the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage sports car and your golf clubs as well as your home brewing equipment." When she saw that Bill had gotten a horrified look on his face, she said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Bill replied, “I wasn't."
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Post by Pat on Jul 30, 2018 19:56:21 GMT -5
All right, after the above, I can tell you a joke that made me laugh and laugh every time. I even asked my family to never repeat it in my presence. JOKE: Ask me if I am an orange. Are you an orange? No. That’s it! It still brings a little smile to my face. Don’t ask me why. I don’t know.
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Post by vegasjames on Aug 11, 2018 6:25:28 GMT -5
A curious old man joins a nudist club. He registers at the club office, undresses and starts walking around the area. After a short while, a gorgeous petite blonde strolls by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”
The man replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies that you called for me.”
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.
“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.
“You must be new” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the club office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
“May I help you?” she says.
“Lady, I think this place might not be for me. I’m 55 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!”
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Post by mohs on Aug 11, 2018 16:36:36 GMT -5
Bean-O and Viagra may be a dilution But I hate commenting on childish bodily function
Mom told Tommy that the pastor was coming for dinner Tommy had a gas problem and to prevent any emabassment at the dinner table Tommy stuck a cork in the source
At the dinner table things were going well Until Tommy couldn’t hold back
The pastor said: Ha ha you made a popper Tommy replied: Ha ha you ate the stopper
That is at least a 70 years old fart joke that I been telling Mostly
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Post by mohs on Aug 11, 2018 19:50:12 GMT -5
Another 70 year old fart joke Young man was getting marred to the woman of his dreams But he had problem! A gas problem! Every time he would eat his favorite of bowl of chili he would let out the most horrendous smelling farts He swore that he would never cause that embarrassment to his soon to be bride So he swore off eating chili He would never fart in the presence his lady Decades by of marital bliss, and no gas passed by/ But we all know it can’t end there So it was this old fart birthday Decades of denying his favorite bowl of chili It was his birthday! Not many more left So he took a walk to his favorite diner to enjoy Just one more scrumptious bowl of chili. His walk home would give him plenty of time, to pass off any offensive gas And that what he did! Had his bowl of birthday chili! And on the walk home he happily passed gas. ‘ Little here - little there Before he got to the door of his home, he let one mighty last blast issue forth. Then he entered his abode. As it was his birthday his wife was so elated to see her prince Before he could open his present, she requested he put on a blindfold, led him to the dinner table and seated him. Just then the phone rang ‘You stay right here -I’ll answer. Be right back.' . Off she went down the hallway to answer the call. As she was talking Wouldn’t you know it a big gas ball built up in our hero! O man this was bad! He could hear his wife talking down the hall. So he let it build a little. Then with contorted face and lifting his right cheek for air pressure release he Let it rip !! now that would be funny enough but our poor fellow had a problem ! The high-density offensive odor waft and hung! His face scrunched and his nose sniff for fresh space. But none was to be had. soon his better half was to return! So our blind folded birthday boy grabbed a plate. Started waving it frantically in front of him.. Up & down. Side to side Sniffing, with his nose stuck out. & saying under bated breath porca miseria ! But he kept waving the plate Slowly creating fresh space He dispersed the gas out and away. Success! Just then his wife returned to the side of our ‘ man of the hour’ She then said: 'dear ,you can remove your blind fold now’ And as he did All the seated birthday celebrants went Surprise !! Mostly
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Post by Pat on Aug 12, 2018 20:48:15 GMT -5
Hey Pat are you an orange? Arggggg! Brings a smile or two, but not the tears of laughter. Whew!
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Post by Pat on Aug 13, 2018 19:49:25 GMT -5
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Post by vegasjames on Aug 15, 2018 20:25:47 GMT -5
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Post by vegasjames on Aug 28, 2018 21:57:44 GMT -5
One day, the husband called his wife, and asked:
“Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas!”
His wife immediately noticed that something was not right with the lousy excuse her husband managed to invent for the next week, but she decided to be a good wife and do what she was asked to.
After a week, her husband returned home, and looked tired, but explained to her that he was happy that he has done a good job by attending the fishing party.
The woman wanted to know all in details, and asked about the boss, the weekend, the other colleagues, if they had caught fish, and so on. Her husband answered: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”
The woman replied: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.
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Post by rockjunquie on Aug 30, 2018 10:37:01 GMT -5
One day, the husband called his wife, and asked: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas!” His wife immediately noticed that something was not right with the lousy excuse her husband managed to invent for the next week, but she decided to be a good wife and do what she was asked to. After a week, her husband returned home, and looked tired, but explained to her that he was happy that he has done a good job by attending the fishing party. The woman wanted to know all in details, and asked about the boss, the weekend, the other colleagues, if they had caught fish, and so on. Her husband answered: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?” The woman replied: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”. LOL! BUSTED!
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Post by parfive on Sept 5, 2018 13:52:09 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 6, 2018 13:40:21 GMT -5
Government Employee's Three Wishes
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. “This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!”
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude.”
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I would never have to work ever again.”
POOF!
He’s back in his government office.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 13, 2018 11:36:11 GMT -5
Fable of the Porcupines
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice; either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
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Post by Pat on Sept 13, 2018 12:32:52 GMT -5
rockpickerforever or don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I like your porcupine version.
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spiritstone
Cave Dweller
Member since August 2014
Posts: 2,061
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Post by spiritstone on Sept 20, 2018 19:10:35 GMT -5
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2018 21:08:20 GMT -5
There's an idea in there somewhere for a pair of Halloween costumes (they need pamphlets, though).
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Post by parfive on Sept 26, 2018 11:23:19 GMT -5
Two elephants are walkin’ off the ark.
One turns to the other and says, “What a shitty cruise. It rained every day.”
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 26, 2018 12:36:36 GMT -5
Speaking of elephants -
An Indian and African Elephant
Q: How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
A: One of them is an elephant.
(Sorry, just fit right in with your elephant joke, lol)
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Post by vegasjames on Sept 28, 2018 20:19:53 GMT -5
Creative:
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