Post by sandsman1 on Dec 13, 2005 22:25:12 GMT -5
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I
learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to
make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable
plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick
and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcor
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close
resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that
chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that
comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when
asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch
when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you
get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
AMEN ON THAT
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
