Knew life was going too good

jeeze- don't ya hate days like that- I mean nothing major- but all this litte stuff adds up to make a big PITA!!!!!

Awww I'm sorry you had a bad ending to your fishing trip. Hope things turn around now and next time you catch a record breaker, you didn't want a perch anyway.

The only GOOD thing to come out of it, I got a pic of my kid, I haven't seen one of her since she was 10.....

I sent her to live with my sister when she was 3 because I couldn't financially support her. Said sister basically stopped all my contact with her at age 10.

XENA -

Your daughter is GORGEOUS! I can't tell ya what to do, but it's never to late to mend broken relationships.
Sometimes I wish I'd had a kid. S

PS: I'm hoping sands will come to NM this Fall and teach me how to cab AND FISH.

She is very beautiful, hopefully she has a beautiful heart too and will come to realize there's things in life one cannot always control. Hopefully she'll never have to make a decision like you did.

Since ya'll asked, and I need a place to get this off my chest ( I"m sick of crying about it) I'll tell ya'll the tale.

When I was 19, I was working in a video arcade. The first guy I ever dated came in with a friend of his ( I was already way out of the closet and in a relationship with a woman) and we started talking. I hadn't seen him in years. Well they invited me over to their place to hang out and play cards so I went. Well one night we were all playing cards and drinking beer. The ex boyfriend got blotto and was talking about how he was my first ( hmm wonder if thats why I turned to women? ) Anyway his friend and I started making goo goo eyes at each other to make him jealous and shut him up. One thing led to another and bam! The ONLY time I ever willingly was with a man without protection, I got pregnant. Ohhh boy....

Well, my gf at the time was working in North Dakota and I was saving money to go be with her. I got up there and had to have a physical for the job I was taking and found out for sure I was preggers...hmmm how to explain this??? Well, I told her and it was tense but we got through it. So 9 huge months later, I gave birth to this beautiful little girl.

Fast forward a bit, to moving back to Texas when the job was over. Me and the baby moved back in with my mom, gf went off on another job ( welder for a company that traveled all over) She ends up leaving us to be with someone else. It takes awhile but I meet someone else who loved me and the baby.....

Well, my nephew ( more like my brother, we were 6 weeks apart in age) was killed in a motorcycle accident and right after that my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Mom goes into a coma on my 23rd bday ( wow 17 years tomorrow...) and passed away the day before my daughter's 2nd birthday.

All this has taken its toll on me emotionally, my relationship was suffering and I was trying to go to school, raise a child and deal with my grief.....it wasn't working.....

I decided to make a fresh start, my relationship was over, my mom was gone, I was a mess. I moved my daughter and myself to Montana, where my first love was stationed and she got us set up there. But the grief was too much, I had only one person as a support system and I had a 3 year old ( the move took a year to plan). I was working, but there was never enough money....many nights I fed my daughter but I went without because well that was all there was. Funny thing was, I couldn't get help from welfare or any agency because I "made too much money".

Things came to a head one night, I found myself angry at my daughter for being a 3 year old and her noise. I caught myself before I hurt her, but that scared me. I saw flashes of my father....I knew then I had to do something. I couldn't support her the way she needed it and I didn't want to hurt her.

I prayed, talked to my pastor, my family etc. It was decided she would go stay with one of my sisters in Texas. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I ended up in Washington and when she was 7 my sister said I could visit. Then I visited again when she was 10. There was lots of bs going on, I'd send cards, gifts etc but "it never got here". Finally after my sister had had her for 11 years she demanded child support. ( I'd tried to get her to adopt her legally from the start but my sister said it was too expensive). I had to get a lawyer up here and she was awarded custody but I was allowed visitation and sister was supposed to contact me with any major life changes etc. That never happened. I haven't talked to my sister but once or twice since...I could tell there was gonna be a problem by her tone. I'm nasty, but she's vindictive and cruel when pi**ed.

Well a couple of Xmas's ago I kept getting these calls at 3am...it turned out to be my daughter...she wanted to know about her dad. I told her what I knew....

Fast forward again to graduation time. I wrote my daughter and asked her to PLEASE send me an invitation even if I couldn't make it. She did but no picture, no note etc. /sigh

Well I knew she was in college and finally tracked her down on the internet and wrote to her. She wrote me back on Myspace.com. The email was nice, but it felt like a slam towards me whether it was or now.

I got the pics off her Myspace.com, so I guess technically she didn't send them to me, but I got them.

I'm hoping with time she will understand why I did what I did and that I can help her overcome some of the nasty stuff I'm SURE my sister has told her about me. Its painful all over again, but I think it will work out and be worth the pain in the end.

Ya'll light candles, pray, send good thoughts etc. I'm gonna need all the strength I can get. Thanks for listening.

I can't even imagine having to make a decision like that. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers Lesa, both you and your daughter.

I hurt for you Xena. That has to be a hard feeling. Realizing your situation and sending your daughter to be with your sister was a very loving and unselfish act. Do what you can to comunicate with her and I believe in time your daughter will be more able to see the bigger picture and how you both got to where you are in life.