Post by BAZ on Jul 26, 2006 18:58:17 GMT -5
> Sensible Observations
>
>
> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
>
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
>
> passengers in his car."
>
> --Author Unknown
>
>
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
>
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
>
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
>
> --Author Unknown
>
>
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
>
> There's a support group for that.
>
> It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
>
> --Drew Carey
>
>
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
>
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
>
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
>
> drop them off at the wrong house."
>
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
>
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
>
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
>
> infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
>
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
>
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
>
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
>
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
>
> you, they should have to find you a temp."
>
> --Bob Ettinger
>
>
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
>
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
>
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
>
> --Paula Poundstone
>
>
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
>
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
>
> authors of that study: "Duh."
>
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
>
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
>
> I could be eating a slow learner."
>
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
>
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
>
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
>
> Let's go west.'"
>
> --Richard Jeni
>
>
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
>
> impersonators would be dead."
>
> --Johnny Carson
>
>
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
>
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
>
> but they turned sixty and that's the law."
>
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>
>
> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
>
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
>
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
>
> What, do tall people burn slower?"
>
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
>
> Monogamy is the same."
> > --Oscar Wilde
>
>
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
>
> member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
>
> --Mark Twain
>
>
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
>
> At least they can find Afghanistan."
>
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
>
> and the dog will give you a look that says,
>
> 'My God, you're right!
>
> I never would've thought of that!'"
>
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
>
> Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
>
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
>
>
> 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
>
> I believe I'll have another beer."
>
> - W. C. Fields
>
>
> 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
>
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
>
> passengers in his car."
>
> --Author Unknown
>
>
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
>
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
>
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
>
> --Author Unknown
>
>
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
>
> There's a support group for that.
>
> It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
>
> --Drew Carey
>
>
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
>
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
>
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
>
> drop them off at the wrong house."
>
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
>
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
>
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
>
> infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
>
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
>
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
>
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
>
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
>
> you, they should have to find you a temp."
>
> --Bob Ettinger
>
>
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
>
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
>
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
>
> --Paula Poundstone
>
>
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
>
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
>
> authors of that study: "Duh."
>
> --Conan O'Brien
>
>
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
>
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
>
> I could be eating a slow learner."
>
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
>
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
>
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
>
> Let's go west.'"
>
> --Richard Jeni
>
>
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
>
> impersonators would be dead."
>
> --Johnny Carson
>
>
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
>
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
>
> but they turned sixty and that's the law."
>
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>
>
> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
>
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
>
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
>
> What, do tall people burn slower?"
>
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
>
> Monogamy is the same."
> > --Oscar Wilde
>
>
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
>
> member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
>
> --Mark Twain
>
>
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
>
> At least they can find Afghanistan."
>
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
>
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
>
> and the dog will give you a look that says,
>
> 'My God, you're right!
>
> I never would've thought of that!'"
>
> --Dave Barry
>
>
>
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
>
> Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
>
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
>
>
> 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
>
> I believe I'll have another beer."
>
> - W. C. Fields
