earthdog
Cave Dweller 
Don't eat yellow snow
Member since June 2006
Posts: 2,731
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Post by earthdog on Aug 17, 2006 20:37:20 GMT -5
A pompous minister was seated next to Bubba the redneck on a flight
across the country.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Bubba asked for a gin and tonic drink, which was brought and placed
before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like
a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
than let liquor touch these lips."
Bubba then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
$hit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice
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Post by docone31 on Aug 17, 2006 22:18:34 GMT -5
That's all right, my wife and I were in Walmart, the local quality goods boutique. Down here, there is nothing but Q-Tips. I was standing in line to check out. Our Bengals only eat Purina Kitten chow.
Holding several containers, this Q-Tip starts talking. She asks me if I have a kitten. I said no, this is the Purina weight loss diet. I fill my pockets with kitten chow and when I feel a little hunger, I eat some kitten chow. I told her I was just getting back on the diet as I had been in the hospital. I guess I had gotten a little loud, as people were looking. There was this one really drunk guy, standing in line with a little lady who looked like he was holding her up.
At any rate, the Q-Tip asked me if the diet had made me sick. I tried to look shocked and told her no. I was sitting on the yellow line licking my butt when someone on a motorcycle drove up and kicked me really hard.
The drunk started really loudly asking me why I was licking my butt on the yellow line. Then he asked me how I could do it. He couldn't lick his butt no matter how hard he tried. The drunk lady said I could lick her, the Q-Tip kept asking me if that was true. She had never heard of such a thing. My wife tried to very quickly get us out of there, the drunk wanted to see me lick my butt.
I try to avoid Walmart down here. It is just not worth it. Between watching old Q-Tips bashing themselves with spinach cans, the usual colourful collection of closet rednecks, the highly informed sales associates, and people talking to themselves, it is not worth it.
I am so sorry I tried to be a little colourful today, it wasn't worth it. The drunk even started yelling that I couldn't lick my butt. Called me a long haired hippy. I expected the cops at any moment, with the crowd humming Dueling Banjos. Someone even called me a dang queer actorbat! I do not know what shuttle he flew in on.
My wife and I do not get out much. We go to the shop, we come home, when we are not making jewelery, we work on the house. I even have Forrest Gump doing the carpentry! He has to show up early every morning and tell me about life. He got his cousin to help. He is under the house jacking the frames. We caught him eating spider egg cases full of little spiders! I forget how he got his teeth knocked out, and he likes to drink half a bottle of Gator aid and leave it in the sun for the next day.
I gotta be a bubba magnet! Where the daylights do these people come from? I am known as he preacher who got Forrest sober. His family keeps coming out of the woodwork to meet me.
I came home yesterday and found him on the roof of the house! He had put squirrel traps on the roof! He said he was not a good enough of a shot to get em to eat. He didn't think I would mind, with all these squirrels and all. Nobody would miss em.
They want to take Jenne and I fishin. He wants to help my business. He wants to get his family up from Arcadia to meet me and work around the house. I just get this picture. Arcadians! And those teeth. I want to go home. I just cannot remember where it was. It has been so long. Probably full of Yuppies by now.
How do I get rid of these people? I don't want to hurt their feelings, they mean well. Its just holy mackerel! I said thanks. Go away. I feel like I am in Green Acres! I cannot even work, they just stare! I light my torch and Forrest, as soon as I am ready to solder a critical joint pipes up and tells me my torch sure has a tiny flame.
He was in the living room last week and just as I was going to take a dump to go to work, started yelling instructions in case I had trouble. I started laughing so hard I couldn't do anything. It was a long day.
He was there that night with a day old Egg McMuffin for me, in case I got hungry. We look at the window and there is an head looking at us. Just in case we need anything. They are taking turns guarding us, in case people come on the property! Now we got Forrest Gump and his kin protecting us! His kin, Daryl, Daryl, and Daryl. Our guardian angels. I cannot sleep, my wife cannot sleep, there is no peace, just smiling toothless faces everytime we leave the house.
My neighbor said, "You'll learn".
Thanks pal.
You should have seen the bag of Catfish on our front steps. Phew!
Oh yes, they were great. No thanks, I still have plenty. I am sure, thanks though.
I'm losin it.
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Post by BAZ on Aug 17, 2006 22:40:10 GMT -5
Doc- Please write a book. Fiction or non, or a little of both. You are one funny cat. (pun intended)
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181lizard
Cave Dweller
Still lurking :)
Member since December 2005
Posts: 2,171
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Post by 181lizard on Aug 18, 2006 12:39:05 GMT -5
I'm sittin here reading Doc's stuff LAUGHING MY BUTT OFF, husband pokes his head downstairs & asks me if I'm hearing those voices again! I said "of course...their name is Doc & Forrest!"
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Post by docone31 on Aug 19, 2006 19:06:50 GMT -5
In the ongoing saga of Bubba Gump, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, and his cousin Larry......
We got home from the shop.
Bubba and the family had come to the shop, noisey, completely covered with concrete. I was working on setting diamonds, and just trying to not think of the Oh, My God!, that would be awaiting for us when we got home.
Hokay,
We are getting a washout filled under the house, using water tamping on the sand we are putting under the house. Daryl was under the house and fell way into the hole! A stump had been covered up. About 4 ft in diameter. Daryl, and Larry, Shemp, Curly, and Moe did not show up today, had dug up my wife's herb garden for the fill. I had bags of river rock on the other side of the house and they are still there. We have a crater where the herb garden was.
Bubba, made a pad for the new lean to on the shed. I had told him 4 X 4'. I came home to a 10 X 12 pad, 5" thick. Complete with rebar, metal corner supports. Hey, the work is great. He did an excellent job of setting up. Square forms, level pad, brushed finish. Too bad 4ft is on the neighbors yard!
We had just had a visit from Elvis Priestly, who had his acronym tattooed on his forehead, Elvis Priestly, and his friend who was a topless Mermaid for private parties. She was also his nurse at the hospital. I was working on her ring and she was telling me how she had lived on the beach, and before she got sober, used to go to the bars and get hammered.
I thought nothing of this.
Then she told me, she would undress and walk home at 3:00 am and try to see if anyone would molest her.
I am soldering her ring, which had a topaz which is heat sensitive, trying not to draw any conclusions.
I had to ask, What happened? She told me she used to get molested, but, she was so drunk she could not remember anything for hours, and then never remembered who did it.
I am still trying to solder.
Then Elvis Priestly who was wearing Spandex tights, all black with gold Lame' shoulders and white socks with Pink Converse sneakers started singing. Then Bubba Gump showed up wearing concrete.
Thank all things holy we finally ran out of operating hours. Of course the mega pad awaited us. Next will be talking to the neighbors.
Fat Boy showed up and had to dominate all our time. He is trying to help us also. He keeps drinking and picking up Drag Queens at the local Country bar. My wife keeps saying, I am so sorry, I am so sorry.
It is only Saturday.
THEY COME OUT ON SUNDAY!
Anyone want to purchase a working business? It is a little colourful, definately not boring.
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181lizard
Cave Dweller
Still lurking :)
Member since December 2005
Posts: 2,171
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Post by 181lizard on Aug 20, 2006 13:05:56 GMT -5
Doc...what's a rebar?
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Post by docone31 on Aug 20, 2006 16:28:27 GMT -5
It is concrete reinforcing rod. for 5" concrete, you would only need road mesh.
Jenne hates it, and she is thinking of selling the house.
she'll get used to it.
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181lizard
Cave Dweller
Still lurking :)
Member since December 2005
Posts: 2,171
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Post by 181lizard on Aug 22, 2006 12:27:22 GMT -5
Doc...what's road mesh & why was Elvis Priestly in the horspital?
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Post by docone31 on Aug 22, 2006 13:18:12 GMT -5
Road mesh is reinforcing steel for concrete, and Elvis Priestly was in the looney bin. His nurse was his psyche nurse. She is the topless mermaid. He was under her care, singing tunes we had never heard, and she was bouncing off every wall.
Definately a Nurse Rachet.
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Post by hermatite on Aug 22, 2006 14:00:58 GMT -5
It's not everyday someone compliments you on the size of your flame!
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Post by docone31 on Aug 31, 2006 16:02:42 GMT -5
In the ongoing saga of Forrest, and Daryl, Daryl, and Daryl.
They are still under the house, leveling, reframing, framing, fixing floors, and getting ready to stucco. Hokay.
It is the tail end of Ernesto, where the Bubbas are restricted to working between downbursts and staying kinda dry inside, with us, the secret of Daryl came out!
His uncle in law, has a daughter, Daryl's niece. Hokay. She is absolutely not blue eyed, blonde haired Aryan. As a matter of fact, she is not white. Hokay.
Daryl's uncle in law, married to his aunt, is the father of his niece. Hokay. We know the niece and we definately know something is up. As the saga went, Daryl's father, married his sister. However, his sister had to get married, then divorced so her name was different and they could get married. Two years after they married, Daryl's niece was born. Hokay. She is definately not Aryan. She has kinky hair, all the features, and she is a real joy to be around. At any rate, Daryl's aunt told her husband she really was his. He drinks and fishes a lot, you would have to be here to really comprehend the totality, and his wife told him alcohol does that. To this day, he has some question, but, she reassured him. He loves his wife's daughter without prejudice. He is absolutely certain she has been faithful to the quick and will fight anyone who questions her loyalty. His son, Bo, had his wife amputate her teeth. He told her it would make the relationship better. She did it. He was talking how he couldn't wait untill the 30 days are over so he can get off probation and try her out. They want to go out to a Waffle House, and stay at the Dew Drop Inn Hotel 5 miles down the road. Yee-Ha!
They are almost done with the house, at least as far as we are concerned. Forrest just called while I was typing. I paid him 100$ for the stucco, and 180$ for his time. He did not understand how the money was disbursed. I had to keep repeating 100$ for the stucco, a little extra for gas, and 180$ was for his time. I had to explain it over, and over. I do not think he really understands at this point, but he is trying.
He is coming by tomorrow early. I cannot wait. I have to open the shop and I need to compose myself. It takes me days to get over Redneck land, and he comes just before opening.
I am watching each day, waiting for the end. He has done real well, Daryl, Daryl, and Daryl are really helping him. But enough is enough. Finish and go away!!!!!!!! I don't want to hear it!!!!!
Help!!!!!!!!
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Post by docone31 on Sept 2, 2006 21:10:27 GMT -5
In the ongoing saga of Bubba the Redneck, aka Forrest Gump, He just called again. It seems his brother Daryl, was at his house because his brother Daryl got into a fight with his wife. Daryl started the fight so he wouldn't have to tell her he did not have money for rent this month. They got into a big fight, and the cops were called. Apparently, Daryl is on the loose, staying away. If he goes home, he will get arrested. He is already on probation for something, we don't know what, and another arrest will put him back in the slammer.
Somehow, Daryl got the impression, if he was wanted for domestic argueing, he wouldn't have to tell his wife he spent the money he earned fishing.
So Forrest, Daryl and his family are at Forrest's house. Daryl is on the lamb, and Forrest keeps calling me and telling me he is keeping Daryl with him so he does not get into a fight with Daryl. Their brother Daryl is up in 'Bamy, so he is at least out of view. Darly, is with Forrest, and Daryl is in the bar. Daryl is going to go home tomorrow and tell his wife he was drunk so she will forget about it.
Somehow, neither my wife nor myself believe his wife is going to forget anything.
I just want them to go away. I am not sorry I helped Forrest get sober. As a pastor it is kinda my job.
It is kinda like opening a gift on Christmas. The gift is great, but, you have to do something with the packaging, wrapping, bow, tag, and all the innards. Forrest is looking stronger, his eyes are now clear, he is not so bloated, but hoah boy! My wife and I are just going Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Will know more on Monday I suppose.
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Post by docone31 on Sept 25, 2006 21:53:48 GMT -5
Another follow up on Bubba the Redneck!
Forrest, and Daryl, Daryl, and his other brother Daryl, now in jail, are still setting IQ records!
Forrest finally finished the job here. We do not miss the bag of fish on our door step, sitting on the front steps all day with no ice.
We got the three stooges a job to keep them from pitching a shed in our yard and living here. They got a job re-roofing a 4200sq ft., house.
Hokay.
Forrest kept showing up to bid, with his contract in pencil on notebook paper, with no fixed price. No real estimate on shingles, no estimate on labour, no estimate on haul away. Believe it or not, he got the job. There were bids of 12,000$, 10,000$, and one for 9200$. Forrest came in with his bid of between 3200$ and 15,000$! The homeowner is a yuppie. He hired Forrest. Yep, he really did.
My phone has been ringing off the hook for days. It seems, the homeowner gave Forrest 3500$ for materials on his word alone. Now mind you, a contractor has to have a liscence, usually a bond for delivery, and has a legitimate contract. Forrest only has a 25$ bicycle to reclaim in case of default.
Welp, Forrest started the tear off, it started raining. He told the homeowner, "How can I bring a tarp, I only have my bicycle". It was one thing after another. Same with us. He, I use the word, forgot to replace the real F word. That was the start. Today, we got the usual phone ringing off the hook. Forrest has not shown up on the job, and there are no tarps. Lots of rain though. The roof is stripped down to the sheeting. It is a multi pitch, multi peak, graded roof, multi valley.
Hokay, it seems, Daryl and Daryl took Forrest fishin. Forrest got his thumb caught in the hitch and took 6 stitches. Forrest after spending the day in the hospital, went for plywood. At Home Depot, the person helping him jammed the plywood on his stitched up thumb, opening it up. Another day at the hospital.
Forrest called up the homeowner. He told him he was at the hospital and he had almost cut his thumb off getting plywood. That was it. No further conversation. He then hung up.
The homeowner was going nuts. Not only was his house being redecorated by rain and sheet rock falling off the ceiling, now the contractor was in the hospital with his only good thumb hanging by a thread.
The homeowner is now afraid of losing his house. He found out Forrest is not a liscenced contractor, doing code work, and the homeowner is afraid Forrest is going to not only sue, but his sheetrock is falling down.
Forrest called me, mind you I have nothing to do with this. I only reccomended him as an handyman. He is brilliant if you can tolerate the total state of Redneckness. I told him to call the homeowner and tell him he was ok, and going to work tomorrow. I suggested Forrest get some tarps, and he told me, "Why? It has already rained inside the house. If I get some tarps, I won't make any money on the job". I told him the homeowner was a yuppie. He said Yuppies are children, he should have gotten tarps himself. I told him Yuppies do not work that way, they are not smart enough. He understood that.
I just had to pass that on. The saga is still ongoing. Daryl got mad at Forrest, stomped on his hat, and is fishin. Probably for a long time. Daryl had to go with Daryl because they are kin. He is the one who had his wife pull all his teeth. They cannot pay rent, but he needs to go fishing.
My wife is actually beginning to understand rednecks really exist, and she is no longer putting out fires with gasoline.
I wish they would go away.
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Post by cpdad on Sept 25, 2006 22:29:07 GMT -5
doc...us rednecks cant go away...we fish late at night...and early in the mornings...during the hot day we drink beer...then at times we appear to be ok...during the week that is...but not really...our mind is actually on fishing at night...or in the morning....when its cool.
then we have to clean the fish....that takes time also...then we gotta find someones house with a fridge or freezer to keep'em in....then we have to write down who got our fish in what freezer...so they dont eat it all up...its hard being a fishing redneck.
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Post by docone31 on Sept 25, 2006 22:48:34 GMT -5
Well, the thing is, rednecks get the job done! I feel sorry for that yuppie. He is so used to being a part of a machine. Everything is done rate, time, distance. Then there is Forrest.
I'll tell you what though. If he wants it done right, he better learn redneck real quick before he loses Forrest. Forrest is a born carpenter.
Nothin wrong with fishin. That is what is important.
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jlc0321
spending too much on rocks
Member since September 2005
Posts: 408
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Post by jlc0321 on Sept 30, 2006 20:44:09 GMT -5
Love the story DOC ;D ;D
Jeff
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Post by docone31 on Oct 1, 2006 19:53:17 GMT -5
Yeah, but, the saga is ongoing.
Our beloved Burban, is getting a new heart. The engine came out two weeks ago, for a speed rebuild, going from 454 to 502. I won't go into the itty bitty details, but it is a redneck cluster mess. Each part does not fit. The mechanic, who is one of the best I have ever seen, like Forrest, is almost a savant redneck.
Hokay.
Getting it out is not the hard part. Any dummy can pull an engine.
I had thought, the mechanic was going to bring the block to the machine shop to bore it. He, instead used a cylinder hone in a drill press. He reamed the ridge, and honed the cylinders to bore. Not really conventional, but it does work. He wanted to save us money. The extra days he was doing that, we had to rent a car. It would have been cheaper to bore it long run. His staff, if you call it that, really they are Kin, then proceeded to get into a fight with one of his customers. One got arrested, one got his front teeth knocked out. His other Kin was working on or Burban, with no shirt, and no shoes. The insurance appraiser walked in on the whole thing, and canceled his insurance. Code showed up and pulled his C/O for the business. Our Burban is still inside the shop. We are still renting a car.
They got the insurance issue resolved, got re-inspected, Floriduh recquires a full construction inspection for each new business in the shop. Now the other Bubba the Redneck, has a shop full of holes where the inspector cut into the sheetrock to check wiring, looking for brackets for hurricane straps, etc. The sheetrock dust is everywhere, including in our engine block. Meanwhile, the rental car is costing us by the day.
They got the wrong cam bearings, wrong crank bearings, wrong timing gear. The blower is a junkyard unit off of a GM 8/71 Detroit diesel, and needs machineing. He was planning on using valve compound to relieve the rotor vanes. I said no. The intake manifold for the blower was wrong, he was going to weld the bolt holes and regrind the manifold planes. I ordered the cam bearings, crank bearings, timing gear, manifold. His parts still do not fit, mine went right on.
My wife and I went to the shop Friday, and he was looking like a sad Basset Hound, so was his crew. They had spent all day putting the engine in, and they forgot the flex plate! They had hooked everything up, the A/C, the alternator, distributor, bolted the engine to the transmission, hooked up the exhaust, put in the starter. He went to fire it up to adjust the rockers, and the starter just wirrrrred. No teeth for the starter to engage! No flex plate, no teeth.
They spent all day pulling the engine again, just to put on the flex plate. No one noticed it.
How the daylights does one not notice the abscence of a flywheel, or flex plate on an engine. It stands out like a spotlight!
Well, tomorrow is another day. We are going over to see what we have left. He is a really incredible savant mechanic. Everything he has done for us has been incredible, so far. Of course, he did not have Kin with him either.
He is the best. I do not want to think of the worst down here.
I will never forget the Basset Hound look. It was pathetic. He even threw his hat on the ground and stepped on it.
I hope it is done soon. I am over it. All of it.
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Post by docone31 on Oct 2, 2006 9:29:18 GMT -5
I love Mondays with good news!
Bubba the Redneck just called. The Burban is mostly done. She has been running, and running strong.
He tweaked the oil pressure and we have 58lbs at idle, and at running rpm. He modified the injectors, flowed the heads, swapped out the pistons for higher compression pending the total head modifications later.
He ran the engine, and a lifter popped, so he swapped out the lifter, pushrod, and she purrs!
Of course, we have to pick her up later, and that might be another story.
The numbers he gave us, as he has a rolling dyno, without the blower which the manifold is still screwed up, and I really want a new blower as it is full time,
Stock 454 puts out 285 net horsepower. Our girl puts out 425hp at the wheels at idle! It is lopey, and pulls from 900rpm, to 6500rpm, with the governor cutting out 4 cylinders at 6000rpm making it impossible to run at redline.
However, she made major torque improvements which is where the fuel mileage comes from. We swapped out the torque convertor to a low stall convertor, that is for dropping rear gear ratio. We will be going from 3:41 to 3:11. It is not the horsepower, but torque that produces power.
He told me he got the front wheels off the road accelerating from a standing start. This is a 7300lb vehicle! By bypassing and modifying the emissions, in the condition she is now, she exceeds 2007 projected emission rates by a landslide. I do not have the numbers, but, she is putting out less ppm of emission than the 2007 hybrid models. This is with a computerized sniffer, not just taking a whiff. Start up was with no smoke at all.
I guess, this little redneck is my hero for the day. He is really coming through. It just gets frustrating for a space.
My goals with the 454 was 25mpg, at 1987 emission levels. We should exceed the mileage, and we are current with the new standards! Not too bad for an old lady, all at a cost of less than 2000$ and some real frustration.
I wonder if I do that with my customers sometimes. Makes me think.
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Post by docone31 on Oct 2, 2006 20:38:36 GMT -5
Hey, we got her back today. The engine is an work of art! Power, wow! The cam makes the engine sound like a top fuel dragster. My wife likes it.
The redneck (colourful metaphor) is almost over with the Burban. We have to get back to have the head retorqued and the rockers redone at 500miles. It purrs. The power is what big blocks are all about.
We do not expect to realize fuel mileage returns untill it is broken in.
My wife, who I thought might really not want to talk to me after this, loves her baby. Next is the exhaust, and the paint job. She is really a classic. 20yrs old at that.
Yeah.
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WarrenA
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since November 2003
Posts: 1,530
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Post by WarrenA on Oct 2, 2006 23:04:57 GMT -5
I'd like to see that motor. Would you post a picture of it? I won't tell Hot Rod or Car Craft
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