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Post by pho on Jan 5, 2007 21:30:56 GMT -5
OK..to start this off right..this is serious and is not a joke of any kind....
Christine is a very good friend of mine for about 38 years and she is special to me...
Christine is getting married in July (this is her 3rd time) and has asked me to walk her down the asile...
Now here is my problem...
Her soon to be hubby is a man whom I have never met...but my gut feelings tell me he is bad news. I trust my gut feelings.
Problem number two...the best man is Christine's ex...her second husband. Her soon to be and her ex are best friends. I can not stand her ex....he is bad news from the word go. I will not even speak to him or shake hands with him if I see him.
Now..what do I do here....
Should I decline her request to walk her down the asile? I'm afraid this would ruin our friendship.
Should I do this for her but advoid her ex and new hubby as much as I can?
I do not want to even shake hands with her soon to be.......again..my gut feelings are kicking in big time. I can't help but think this is a set up....how do I talk to my friend about this?
I am at a loss here....and realy bothers me a lot. Thanks for any advice you may come up with..
Pho
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spikeict
fully equipped rock polisher
Alba gu bra! In Promptu
Member since November 2006
Posts: 1,413
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Post by spikeict on Jan 5, 2007 21:45:05 GMT -5
For a true friend we would do anything.
"Should I do this for her but advoid her ex and new hubby as much as I can?"
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Post by ladyt on Jan 5, 2007 21:47:20 GMT -5
WOW big problem. If Christine is a good friend and listens to you, maybe you should just talk to her about your feelings. You can explain to her about how you feel and find out just how she feels. Obviously she has know you longer that the other 2. My husband and son both said to go with your gut feelings because they are always right. Maybe you need to met this guy and then decide. First impressions are usually right also. If she is as good a friend as you say, she should respect your wanting to talk about it before deciding. If she tells you this one is for real and you feel she is sincere, then walk her down the isle, but be there for her if she trips.
Tonja
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Post by rockyraccoon on Jan 5, 2007 21:56:41 GMT -5
i think you should discuss it with her. if she's a real friend she will listen to how you are feeling about it and y'all can make a decision together.
kim
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Post by Toad on Jan 5, 2007 22:01:15 GMT -5
Don't just do it blindly out of friendship. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Tell her the truth in love and let her know how you feel. You are probably right about your gut feeling, but you might also be wrong. Either way you have to tell her what you're thinking. You just don't let a friend you love do something you 'know' is wrong. She will yell and scream and hate you. But let her walk away. If she is as true a friend as you think, she will come back. She may even still marry the guy despite your advice, and if you are right, she'll know you for a true friend because you tried to warn her.
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Post by Jurrasic Jonje on Jan 5, 2007 22:45:10 GMT -5
The thing about true friends is the ability to listen. Sit down with her and have an honest talk.
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earthdog
Cave Dweller 
Don't eat yellow snow
Member since June 2006
Posts: 2,731
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Post by earthdog on Jan 6, 2007 15:36:45 GMT -5
If you stand up for her, you condone what she is doing, best friend or not.
You will not be able to talk to her about the problem, her mind is made up to go through with the wedding! All you can hope to do is talk to her about what you feel, and tell her that you hope if you don't stand up with her that it doesn't ruin your friendship.
If you feel that way about the 2 men and go through with it, I feel sorry for you, because if number 3 doesn't work out, you'll kick yourself in the ass for not talking to her and telling her how you feel.
What kind of goof is best man to a guy that is gonna marry your ex-wife? If my best friend was gonna marry my ex, I'd tell him to go pound sand up his butt. If he is so stupid that he didn't see the problems when his best friend was married to her, then they all need some help.. Just my 2 cents..
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Post by krazydiamond on Jan 6, 2007 16:20:23 GMT -5
i got to agree with eDog. Pho, if Christine is such a good friend, how does she NOT know how you feel about how you feel about these two guys?
sit down and talk to her, tell her how you feel. if she is a good friend she will understand your predicament.
KD
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181lizard
Cave Dweller
Still lurking :)
Member since December 2005
Posts: 2,171
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Post by 181lizard on Jan 6, 2007 16:33:13 GMT -5
I'm in with the E-dog & KD on their thoughts. Most people would blindly do as asked & not think any further. If that's you...then it's you. But I don't think it is or you wouldn't have asked the question.
When a really hard decision has to be made concerning friends or loved ones, (you may have heard this before) ask yourself is this the hill you're prepared to die on? It's a little theatrical but appropriate I think.
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Slydog
has rocks in the head
Member since February 2006
Posts: 555
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Post by Slydog on Jan 6, 2007 22:02:21 GMT -5
If the girl's 'in LOVE', she won't hear or want to hear a thing you say that is negative. Sad but true, Edog is right. What a mess. When it all hits the fan, she will be tremendously mad with you for 'knowing' and not telling her. Either way, you lose. One more thing--always listen to your 'stomach', those gut feelings are there to protect us from making bad choices and thereby prolonging our lives.
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Debs
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2005
Posts: 1,252
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Post by Debs on Jan 6, 2007 22:09:02 GMT -5
I would do ask she asks. I would be pleasantly polite, but that's it! I wouldn't want to do anything to ruin her day and try to keep my personal feelings aside. Just my thoughts...
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earthdog
Cave Dweller
Don't eat yellow snow
Member since June 2006
Posts: 2,731
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Post by earthdog on Jan 6, 2007 22:57:43 GMT -5
Slydog, why is it sad that I am right? I hope that I'm taking it, not the way you wrote it?  I'm always right! Men are always right. The sooner you women understand that, the world will be a happier place. Mellow out, I was only kidding on the last statement. |
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Post by Cher on Jan 7, 2007 13:18:19 GMT -5
Pho, if you've been friends with her for this long, she must know your something about feelings for her ex and for this new one. If she's truly your friend, she'll understand.
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Post by hermatite on Jan 8, 2007 16:11:54 GMT -5
Just my two cents... would you consider not going to the wedding if you weren't asked to walk her down the aisle? I think that she's asked you to accompany her, not as a sign that you like her fiance, but that you mean alot to her, that she wants you to be with her at this important time, and to share that walk with her. It's not about the men...it's about her. It's not about sanctioning what she's doing. I'm assuming that since she didn't ask you if you approved when she accepted the proposal, she's not looking for that sort of approval now. What she wants is for you to be there for her. And if, in the end, it all goes into the toilet, you can be there for her then too. But friends never tell friends I told you so. There's nothing wrong with biting your lip and doing as she asks. Just my two cents.
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on Jan 8, 2007 23:12:01 GMT -5
I agree with hermatite. I think that if you make walking down the aisle contingent upon whether or not you think her choice is a good one, you will upset your friend. Even if you don't make walking down the aisle contingent on her choice but just tell her how you feel about her choice anyway, she will be hurt. You know your friend better than anyone...is there really any way to tell her you have reservations about her fiance, or don't want to walk her down the aisle when you think it a mistake, without really seriously hurting her feelings? I think the time has passed where you had a chance to raise reservations about her fiance. I think I would just honor my friend by being by her side "for better or for worse", to borrow from the wedding vows. You will be wishing her the best, and can be there if it is the worst. I doubt she will hold you responsible (for not expressing your gut feelings) if the marriage fails and in retrospect, I can't imagine that she would blame you for not wanting to hurt her by expressing your doubts ahead of time.
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spacegold
has rocks in the head
Member since September 2006
Posts: 732
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Post by spacegold on Jan 8, 2007 23:51:37 GMT -5
You got it, Free4rms. Walking her down the isle does not involve much interaction with the groom. Pho, if you don't want to shake his hand if it is offered, simply smile politely, nod deferentially, and keep your hand to yourself. If you never say I told you so to your friend, you are always in a position to be supportive later if she needs it. She is honoring you by asking you to be the one standing with her. And she is not asking for your opinion. She can hardly hold anyone but herself responsible for her choices. The very most I would do is ask her if she is absolutely sure that this marriage is the course that is best for her. If the answer is affirmative, then be honored that she asked you to be the one. If the answer is negative, then you can ask if she wants to talk about it.
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Post by cina on Jan 9, 2007 10:12:16 GMT -5
Best friends are people we love no matter what, can talk to no matter what and when the shi* hits the fan we pick them up and never say I told you so. Just be a best friend and you will have done the right thing.
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chassroc
Cave Dweller
Rocks are abundant when you have rocktumblinghobby pals
Member since January 2005
Posts: 3,586
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Post by chassroc on Jan 9, 2007 13:23:28 GMT -5
Pho,
This is not your wedding, it's hers. For that reason, you must put your feelings aside and do what makes her happy on a joyous day. It's obvious she cares for you and respects you and feels honored enough to share this day with you. (If you have bad vibes about these men, they might logically feel the same about you and she is asking each of you to trust her and honor her judgement, however flawed it might currently seem to you)...What happens afterward cannot be helped by any display of dislike or disdain for her choice of men. Affairs of the heart are not always so logical to others and we should not interfere when there is any chance of happiness. Life is short, enjoy it while you can, and let others have their 5 minutes of happiness too.
csroc
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