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Post by sbreed on Sept 23, 2007 19:02:30 GMT -5
K, here is the story and I would like everyones input.......good or bad. I can take it.
I think my daughter is trying to put a guilt trip on me. While raising her, I spoiled her, giving her whatever she wanted (if I could afford it). She came before me and the bills. Now she thinks she doesn't have to work for anything. I realized what I had done about 2 years ago. Since then, I have been trying to wein her from me. Talking and teaching responsibility. She has been working for about 7 months now but doesn't help much at all. She smokes weed and I think that is where a lot of her money goes. It has really been irritating me. Little things like soap and shampoo.........she will run out of hers and use mine until it's gone. Then she will go buy her some more. I ask her to go get her some but she keeps saying "next check".
In prep for the move to AZ, I plan on sellling a huge amount of my belongings for money to live on until I can find a job. She wants me to leave her everything. I feel that I worked for it and paid for it.........I don't have to leave her anything! I am going to co-sign the lease on this place for her as she does not want to move in with any of her friends. I will also transfer an $800 deposit over to her for this place. That's a lot of money to me!!
She used the ex to fix her car. Never calling him unless she needs him to work on her car or wants to get money from him. She tells him bad stuff about me and then he tells me. This whole situation is why I want to go to AZ so bad. Between the ex calling and my daughters actions and attitudes I just want to get away from the both of them.
Am I wrong in the way I am thinking? Please ask any questions needed, I will answer honestly as I want honest input. It is getting close to the sale and the move and I am not sure how to handle this. The sale is weekend after next and I pull out for AZ on October 6th.
Thank you everyone, I value your opinions!!
P.S. Her job is working nights at an Adult Book Store!
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Post by pho on Sept 23, 2007 20:06:11 GMT -5
Sheri....I sent you a PM
Tom
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Post by stoner on Sept 23, 2007 20:13:39 GMT -5
You've done all you can for her, so now it's time for her to wake up and face reality. It's hard to do, but she'll make it on her own. Probably by finding someone else to use, but you don't need it right now. However, I'd be careful about co-signing on the lease, you may end up paying for your new place AND your old place. Sell what you need to make the move comfortable for yourself. It's time to take care of number 1(yourself)
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Post by sbreed on Sept 23, 2007 20:33:40 GMT -5
Thanks guys & gals for the advice so far. Seems I am doing the right thing. By the way..........don't want to give anyone the wrong idea, I am selling everything because I won't need it in AZ. I am taking my entire shop, rock and the stuff I will need. My Aunt & Uncle have everything else. I am going to live with them to help them financially and with chores they can't do any more.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2007 20:49:49 GMT -5
Tough love Sheri. Its what you are now NOT doing for her that will help her. She will use you and everyone else until they do not allow it. You have to make that first step.
Shannon
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Silver Lass
spending too much on rocks
diagonally parked in a parallel universe!
Member since March 2007
Posts: 395
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Post by Silver Lass on Sept 24, 2007 8:06:31 GMT -5
Sheri, I agree with Ed. Be careful of co-signing because in the end if she does not pay then you will. If you can't pay there goes your credit and she is still going through life on a breeze. Good Luck and have a happy move. Think of yourself this time!!!!!
Dorothy
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stefan
Cave Dweller 
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Sept 24, 2007 10:16:19 GMT -5
I know it's hard to cut your kids off- But Sheri- she's breaking the law- No ifs, ands, or buts!!! She is enaging in Criminal activity- and your enabling her to do it- Cut her off- kick her out- offer to get her into some kind of rehab-- but TOUGH LOVE is the only solution- Yes she will hate you for it- But in the end You will comfortable that you gave her the chance to straighten up!! If she choses to clean up her act- GREAT- she will be thankful that you pushed her- If she continues with her ways- Well at least you know you gave it your best effort. I know its not easy (My wife and I went through this last year with our son) but it has to be done-- Have faith- Pray your heart out- and trust in the Lord's guidance!
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Post by BuiltonRock on Sept 24, 2007 12:56:17 GMT -5
Pain exists so we will change.
No man has the right to take the pain away from another and leave him to drowned in the sea of selfishness.
john
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181lizard
Cave Dweller
Still lurking :)
Member since December 2005
Posts: 2,171
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Post by 181lizard on Sept 24, 2007 15:14:20 GMT -5
I'm not sure I understand where you were goin with that one!  |
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emyhro4048
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2007
Posts: 396
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Post by emyhro4048 on Sept 26, 2007 9:55:10 GMT -5
I'm soo sorry you are having problems with her. I too went through some of the same. I spoiled my daughter and she is a bit too materialistic for me. You can't give up on them but at the same time they can only take advantage if we LET them. Careful about the co-sign thing, that will bite you in the ass in the end because she may not think twice about stiffing you especially when the drugs talk.
Good luck and take care of yourself too. Your no good to yourself if your a basket case.
Ed M.
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Slydog
has rocks in the head
Member since February 2006
Posts: 555
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Post by Slydog on Sept 28, 2007 22:37:28 GMT -5
NEVER be a co-signer! These things never end well. Let your head handle this one, not your heart. I wish I could afford a bad habit like smoking pot. Know what that stuff costs?! Believe me, if she can afford that habit, she can also afford to take care of herself without you doing the babysitting/enabling. Tough love it is. For what it is worth, I raised 4 children by myself for 11 years--think of having 4 teenagers all at the same time  I refused any and all co-signing. Each one was responsible for buying clothes, paying tuition, etc. I never bought a car for any one of them. When they got driver's licenses, THEY had to pay the amount my insurance went up. No partying at my expense. They had to pull their own weight. Never harmed a one of them either, every one is working, and no one's in jail! I hope your new start will be good for you and fulfill your needs, help you recuperate from this head-messing stuff. Good luck! |
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Post by LCARS on Sept 29, 2007 0:15:42 GMT -5
Sheri, It sounds like the situation with your daughter could go a couple of different ways depending on the circumstances. How old is your daughter anyway?  The kind of behavior you described is not entirely atypical of a contemporary 18-21 year old experiencing "being cut off" by the parenal unit. This is also known as the "great rebellion" phase of teenagedom, when all authority must be opposed.  Your daughter probably interprets your concerns about her behavior patterns and attempts to encourage her to become more independant as some form of punishment. To some degree she may be intentionally acting against your authority by doing the things she knows you can't stand, until you agree to do things her way and give her what she wants.  I agree that it will most likely be a very bad financial decision on your part right now to cosign. She has yet to learn the core value of what you would be doing for her. She's expecting it by the sounds of things, so there's very little chance she would truly be able to apreciate and honour what you'd be doing for her in that case. It's a design for disaster.  You don't want her to feel like you've turned your back on her though, but you can't hold her hand forever. You can't allow yourself to be held liable for her bad decision making once she's on her own, especially now when you have yourself to worry about first. In order to satisfy your parental instict to help her while allowing her the choice of what kind of lifestyle she's going to live, you need to establish with her exactly what the reality of the situation is. Remember to tell her that you love her but you can no longer just give her financial support unless she plays by your rules. Offer her the freedom to do what she wants at the expense of taking fulll responsibility for her own actions. This is what I would do: Tell her if she wants to smoke weed, then you can't stop her BUT, it WILL NOT come out of your pocket, and if she chooses to do so, she must accept full responsibility for herself. She must accept any criminal problems it may cause for her and know mommy will not come to bail her out of any legal trouble she gets herself into because of it. This will at least take away any gratification she may get by doing it because you don't aprove of it. Now, sometimes this sort of thing is just a phase of growing up but to those predisposed to abusive behavior it can lead to more serious problems down the road so you do need to keep a open line of communication. Try not to be too judgemental, instead just tell her it's because you worry if she's doing alright like any good mother would and you are not trying to parent her about her own decisions. At least this way you can keep things from getting ugly between you. She will learn to respect you more for it in time and if things get worse instead of better for her then at least you know it's not your fault as a mother and you can still get her the help she needs to straighten herself out. When she comes to that realization herself she will co-operate with you. It's gonna take time, how much depends on the individual... Give some thought to where you want your relationship with her to be and have a good heart-to-heart with her before moving day. Give her the opportunity to make you proud of her for doing the right thing because it's what SHE wants, not because it's what you told her to do, that's the key. Good luck & safe journey! Rob |
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I refused any and all co-signing. Each one was responsible for buying clothes, paying tuition, etc. I never bought a car for any one of them. When they got driver's licenses, THEY had to pay the amount my insurance went up. No partying at my expense. They had to pull their own weight. Never harmed a one of them either, every one is working, and no one's in jail! 
