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Post by tntmom on Dec 27, 2011 22:43:46 GMT -5
Need some advice here you guys.... As some of you know, my oldest son Devin is almost 18 (AGH!!!!!!). He approached me this morning and asked if he could go snowboarding with a few of his friends up in the mountains tomorrow. I said.... "Whose Family is taking you?" He replied, "Mom, we're practically adults! Are you kidding me, we're not going with any parents! It's my senior year and this is my last chance as a kid to have fun with my high school friends! Next year my friends will all be in different colleges and this might be my last fun outing with them together!" I replied with... "No way! Until you're 18 you are my responsibility.... and even after you're 18 I will continue to protect you in any way that I am able! No parents, no supervision.... No go!" Holy Moly, that boy was NOT happy. He even went so far as to say that I am making his life miserable and that I am not cool like his friends parents. I've reluctantly let him go to Canada for MMA tournaments which scared the bajeebies out of me... but according to him this "is different". It made me really sad.... My thoughts are that if something were to happen... these are just kids and they are hours away. They might be almost adults, but they aren't yet and it's my responsibility to set boundaries and keep Devin safe. Plus, I know that at least two of the boys going up there are not very high on my "Like List". I trust Devin but a couple of his friends are free spirits with no restrictions and have gotten into some trouble. I feel so terrible but in my heart I think I'm doing the right thing. Am I wrong to impose such restrictions on a 17 year old? He turns 18 in July. I've been just sick over this for the last several hours. He's so upset with me
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Post by jakesrocks on Dec 27, 2011 22:58:13 GMT -5
Krystee, you're doing the right thing. Until he turns 18, he is your responsibility. Imagine if you said yes, and something happened to him. You'd never forgive yourself.
Devin may be mad at you now, but one day he'll thank you for being a good mother. One day he'll have kids of his own, and he'll understand why you did what you did.
Now go cut a cab and relax. Don
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Post by kk on Dec 27, 2011 23:12:01 GMT -5
Krystee, first let me knowledge that you are not wrong doing it the way you do.
I've got a 21 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. The difference between your and my family is simply live-experience. I have been working since I was 15 and lived on my own by 16. I traveled the world over several times, before at the age of 23 settling half a world away from home, marrying my better half.
The point I want to make is that we all make decisions according to the way we know best and usually we are right in our own way. There is no real right or wrong.
I have allowed my kids most likely a lot more freedom from their primary age onwards than most of you would and over time this trust was respected and abused in near equal measure. But by the end of the day, I know for a long time already, that the kids know how to stand on their own two feet (I certainly don't always agree how they try to do it), and more importantly, come whatever may, they know they can come to us if things really go wrong.
So in the end, it will be much harder for you to let go, then it would be for me, but eventually you both will get over it. Just remind him and yourself, that this needed trust is not yet earned and make your decisions accordingly.
Krystee, it's most likely the hardest part of parent-hood, when the time comes to let go and accept that the baby has become a responsible person on his own right. You will know when this is the case, and until then, you are always within your right to question and make decisions according to your understanding.
Greetings, Kurt
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Post by Toad on Dec 27, 2011 23:28:04 GMT -5
Right choice in my opinion Krystee. Not so much keeping him from the trip (which is fine) but rather keeping him from traveling with young men you don't trust. You can't protect him forever nor from everything, but while he is living with you, you do what you know to be right - as long as he is willing to listen.
Eventually he won't want to listen to you (and this decision might push him one step closer) but do what is right and he'll acknowledge it one day...
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Sabre52
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Post by Sabre52 on Dec 27, 2011 23:36:55 GMT -5
L* No kids here but when I was that age I was either working in all my free time or running wild. Went on an Alaskan road trip for a month or more with two HS friends at that age and was always going on camping, driving or diving trips with buddies, crappy cars, and shootin irons. However I think it depends on the kid. I was always latchkey from an early age and fairly independent though somewhat of a dumbass as far as risk taking goes. I suppose sometimes whether or not you mess up is mostly luck but I always figured overparenting was kind of controlling and I hated being managed. I guess my folks were not always the most responsible as they were trying to make a living and keep food on the table but sometimes I think you've got to let the bird fly a bit even if he crashes and burns a time or two. Figure my pop figured if I didn't have sense enough not to get killed what the heck *L*. I've seen a few overprotected kids that are still at home in their thirties because they were never let out into the cold cruel world and so never learned to compete or solve problems associated with making a living and survival . Guess it's good I never had kids because my wife came from a very strict military family and I came from an overpermissive one so them kids probably would have been all messed up *L*. Were it me, I'd let the young man go on the trip. In a bit you won't be able to protect him anyway so it's time he learned to be responsible and take care of himself.....Mel
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Post by NatureNut on Dec 27, 2011 23:45:53 GMT -5
Is there any way you could go and be the parental supervision?
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WarrenA
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Post by WarrenA on Dec 27, 2011 23:54:18 GMT -5
no adult = no go not 18 yet, no go
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Post by bobby1 on Dec 28, 2011 1:07:47 GMT -5
He is at the age where some things have to be learned by making mistakes. You must insist that there will be no alcohol, nor driving after partying but beyond that you have to trust your parenting up to this point. With these restrictions I would let him go on the trip. It sounds like you have done a great job so far and this has obviously rubbed off on him. I grew up as a some what wild child (this was before rampant drugs and sex were the norm) and I managed to keep a cool enough head that I never got in trouble with the law nor injured myself or anyone else. Bob
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adrian65
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Post by adrian65 on Dec 28, 2011 1:11:18 GMT -5
I'd say let him go, but also let him know that you consider this a sort of a test for his responsability level and his freedoms would depend on his behaviour in this trip.
Adrian
PS. The simple fact he asked you to go in the trip is a big plus for him, he could had gone without asking you and if you don't let him go now he might do it in the future.
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Post by kk on Dec 28, 2011 1:37:18 GMT -5
That's the words I was not able to find. From my point of view, the combination of Bobby1 and Adrian will give you an ideal way to get the trust going (for you). Remember, for better or worse, he asks for your permission, and if you want to keep that trust for many years to come, you need to extend the leash from time to time. Its always better to be ready for something that could happen, than finding out when its done. Is this the time to extend the leash? Only you can know that!
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Post by tntmom on Dec 28, 2011 2:47:16 GMT -5
Wow... no wonder I'm so stressed. These responses are as divided as my thoughts.... I agree with all of them... parenting is hard to figure out right........ I have a little bit of good news though.... Devin shut himself in his room for an hour after our long long long argument.... He came out and asked if he could borrow my van to go to town and check his work schedule. (If you remember.... this poor guy got his car stolen awhile back and it was recovered completely trashed at an Indian Casino 20 miles north.... he's had some bad luck...) I told him yes... (still doing flip flops in my head over tomorrow and waiting to see what you guys think.....) Anyhoo..... he called me later and said he got a great schedule for next week and if I wouldn't mind if he took my van and hung out with the guys tonight since he couldn't go with them tomorrow. I said "Of Course!!!!" He's due back at 1am. A few days ago, I loaned him 50 bucks because he wanted to get his girlfriend this really special thing for Christmas (He didn't want one of my pendants because he already gave her one for her birthday a month ago and he said she wears it every time they go out ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) goldstone!).... After everything that happened today.... when he called me, he said "Mom, I got a few dollars today to pay you back for Christmas, might take me awhile for the rest though......" I was shocked.... didn't ever expect him to return the money, I was just happy helping out my kid in love! Guess he doesn't hate me so much after all. And......... yes..... some of you are right. Guess it's time to try to let go. I don't know how much I can do that until July but it's pretty scary that my baby has become a man in a blink of an eye.... What happened to all of those years?
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Post by tntmom on Dec 28, 2011 2:50:21 GMT -5
Is there any way you could go and be the parental supervision? Jo ~ I wish more than anything!!!! It's year end bookkeeping for me. Worst and busiest time of the year...... I'll be lucky if I fit a rock in before W2's and 1099's! Patrick's already said he would help me grocery shop for the next 2 weeks ;D What a guy!!!
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Post by kk on Dec 28, 2011 3:54:58 GMT -5
It looks like from Devins response, that you have got your answers. You do a great job with your children! Our answers to your question where actually quite uniform only divided by gender. Now lets ask that question again in earnest, but this time about a daughter. I know from my own experience (justified or not) that I would have quite a different opinion. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 28, 2011 4:13:09 GMT -5
im no help the day i turned 18 my mom said ok you can stay out till 11:00 now --- i left the house and didnt come back for like 10 days
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rockdude
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Post by rockdude on Dec 28, 2011 6:11:52 GMT -5
I agree that 18 is 18. But they always try to push it, it wouldn't be normal if they didn't. Soon he'll realize being all growed up ain't so great either. There'll be other trips, other fun things to do after 18.
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Post by talkingstones on Dec 28, 2011 6:56:43 GMT -5
Worst year of raising my kids was 17-18. All three of mine spent it pushing every boundary they could find and fighting with me, personally, not my husband. It's really a time when they separate from mom, emotionally, because soon they will be doing so physically and it is very hard for both of you. My best advice to you is to stick to what you can live with, because in the end, you will have to live with your decisions and choices. My best comfort to send you is that, even though they do fly away for a while, they multiply and come back! Good luck and try to stay sane!
Cathy
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meta99
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Post by meta99 on Dec 28, 2011 6:57:56 GMT -5
I think in the US, not all 18 yr olds are ready to be adults. I'm dealing with some issues with letting go of my 21 yr old. But here is my favorite poster: ![](http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee485/drsue99/poster-1.jpg)
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Post by Dicky the Rockhunter on Dec 28, 2011 7:00:47 GMT -5
as you said later he was doing things to show his love for you. My kid when 18 ( now 38 ) wanted to go sking at Breckenridge and I let her. About 4 hours later they were in Jail for drinking on the slope. Just goes to show that all are going to experiment some worse than others but you get only one chance to build that honest and careing attitude, GOOD LUCK
Dicky
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grayfingers
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Post by grayfingers on Dec 28, 2011 8:49:28 GMT -5
Krystee, I am sure your present situation is similar to ones experienced by all of us, either as a parent or as a child. As long as a child is living at home, the age old addage of "As long as you are under this roof..." does apply.... It has to be tough dealing with the last few years of a child living at home, many times a youngster trying their wings injures those near them.
I think the level of trust based on past actions is a good factor in deciding if a child will be allowed to swim in the deep end unsupervised. If past experience indicates the kid can be trusted, I would consider letting him go. If not, I would stick to my guns. The tough part is conveying to your son that your intent is to protect him, not to take away his fun.
Bill
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Post by roy on Dec 28, 2011 10:21:08 GMT -5
krystee after raising a son who is now 22 i can tell you that if you trust your son to do the right things you should probley do so its hard to let them go and you will always worrie about him ! your son is alot like mine (mma fighter) (wrestler) they both have to be very deticated to train hard and to do the right thing and you cant be any good in those sports if your not so i think that your son has a great fondation and do whats right!
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