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Post by docone31 on Sept 11, 2013 15:22:36 GMT -5
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot ****, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2013 15:44:05 GMT -5
That is so weird. My TV changes channels the same way, my lawnmower runs real good and my left eye wont close and my right eye won't open. I have no memory of how this happened. I wonder if I visited Ark-La-Tex and do not remember it! lol
No, I do not have #7, so maybe I did not visit that region of the country.
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garock
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2006
Posts: 1,168
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Post by garock on Sept 12, 2013 13:42:25 GMT -5
Funny ! I remember when I was a youngen'. The lawn more was one of those that to turn off the mower you shorted the spark plug to a lever switch, holding it there long enough to kill the mower. Being very young and "dumb", I was barefoot and pushed the lever to the spark plug. It jolted me good. I learned two things, one don't touch the lever with your foot, and don't go barefoot cutting grass - Dad would have whooped me good if he knew ! ! :-)
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 12, 2013 13:57:56 GMT -5
Frankie, do ya ever wonder how we all made it to adulthood with all the stupid things we did as kids? LOL!
A friend of mine got zapped by an electric fence when she leaned her head up against the corral fence after a rain.
I got zapped once in the butt when I didn't get down low enough to get under the wire cleanly. It only happened once!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2013 17:17:03 GMT -5
Now the government kills a multi-million dollar business, & well over 100 jobs and persecutes the principle owner all over some freeking magnets.
You are right Jean. How did we survive the danger? How? The horrors!!!!
We walked to skrool. We rode out bikes for hours, parents unaware of our GPS coords. Some of us stole cigarettes at 8 years old (not me that's gross). Others stole beers from dad (yep!) at 10 years old. The babysitter did not know CPR but definitely did know some other life skills... lol. She got paid $1 hr (today's equivalent $5/hr) not $17-20.
My neighbor girls wanted that. They were certified and trained in the art of ------ well..... babysitting. And how/when to dial 911, how to give CPR on a child, well versed in food allergies... (probably not the h@ndj0bs my baby sitter was skilled at).
All that training and skill for babysitting? My babysitter worked for far less accomplishing the very same goal and had to get her @ss off the couch to change the channnel on the boob tube, all without all the extensive safety training.
Common sense is gone.
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 12, 2013 17:31:39 GMT -5
Pass the Jerkins, please, LOL! That is always gonna stick in my head, Scott, thanks for that. Also the "sedges have edges and rushes are round" etc. Yeah I used to know CPR, but it got displaced with all kind of useless crap! Actually, I did take a CPR class when I was working as a delivery driver for a florist about 30 years ago. You're supposed to keep your training up to date.
You stole beer from your dad at 10? My parents let me drink their beer. Well, maybe not at ten, but 15 or so. They said they'd rather have me home drinking, than out somewhere. (I think they wanted to keep me away from the boyfriends.) Yeah, I guess they'd be put in jail for contributing to the delinquency of a minor nowadays. Did it hurt me? Hell, no.
Never stole or smoked cigarettes, nasty habit. Can't stand it when my next door neighbor cig smoke blows over the fence and fumes me out.
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Post by Rockoonz on Sept 12, 2013 20:33:48 GMT -5
Funny ! I remember when I was a youngen'. The lawn more was one of those that to turn off the mower you shorted the spark plug to a lever switch, holding it there long enough to kill the mower. Being very young and "dumb", I was barefoot and pushed the lever to the spark plug. It jolted me good. I learned two things, one don't touch the lever with your foot, and don't go barefoot cutting grass - Dad would have whooped me good if he knew ! ! :-) Had a neighbor who cut grass in sandals as a teen. The licence plate on his truck reads 3-toad Lee
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2013 20:42:03 GMT -5
I forgot the link for the magnet business literally killed by the US government. online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887324108204579023143974408428.htmlso being a good red blooded human he fought back But that wasn't enough. NO, the feds then felt it necessary to persecute the individual in charge. He musta touched a nerve. bastards all of them. But, that is already true. I can't legally go buy some ephedrine to make my cardio workouts even better. I can't have fois gras in a california restaurant. I go buy a baby turtle to watch it grow up................ you get the idea.
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robsrockshop
has rocks in the head
Member since August 2012
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Post by robsrockshop on Sept 12, 2013 20:55:48 GMT -5
I knew a kid that peed on an electric fence knowing he would get shocked and did it just to be a smarty pants. I can assure you he never did it again. Too bad it wasn't at weed burner voltage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2013 21:22:06 GMT -5
We would pull out long green grass stems and touch the electric fence wire to get a tingle. I was probably about six. My older brother talked my into peeing on the wire. We were about 200 yards from the house and my mom came running out to see which of us had gotten our hand or foot cut off. I was still rolling around on the ground holding my crotch when she showed up. I did not want to tell her what happened and my brother sure as hell was not going to tell her out of fear. Mom could be pretty scary when she got riled. When I quit screaming I told her that I fell and hurt my nuts. There was only a lane and a fence there with nothing to fall onto except flat ground. She saw that my pants were unzipped and wet from where I had finished peeing when I fell down. At that point it dawned on her and she started laughing about as loud as I was screaming earlier. When I got half way back to the house she was still sitting there shaking. Later when my dad came in out of the fields he was informed and the laughing started all over again. It lasted all through dinner with at least fifty jokes in my honor. It was never mentioned again but every time my dad would see me for the next few days I could see him chuckle.
It is truly amazing how an event like that can stick in your memory like it has a cubic inch of your brain all to itself. I try not to think about it now because I can still feel those three jolts that hit me before it threw my aim way off. I think I need some asprin. Jim
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Post by jakesrocks on Sept 12, 2013 21:38:03 GMT -5
Oh the tales I could tell about electric fences. LOL
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