MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Mar 9, 2005 13:17:01 GMT -5
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Mar 10, 2005 13:59:03 GMT -5
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Rose
Cave Dweller 
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Mar 11, 2005 5:40:48 GMT -5
LOL Banjo - thats so funny. Come on now admit it, we all do that sort of thing when we think no one will see  The song is sort of annoyingly catchy to, sounds like a Eurovision type of song ! |
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Mar 11, 2005 8:00:34 GMT -5
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Mar 12, 2005 12:37:23 GMT -5
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 12, 2005 16:28:15 GMT -5
hahahahaha too friggin funny mike i wonder if anybody got fired over that hahaha
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Post by krazydiamond on Mar 12, 2005 18:46:59 GMT -5
actually that sounds like pure Aussie logic and demeanor, they are a well balanced bunch, chip on each shoulder.
KD
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Post by krazydiamond on Mar 13, 2005 17:59:33 GMT -5
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a pretty good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Post by krazydiamond on Mar 16, 2005 19:34:32 GMT -5
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Mar 17, 2005 3:33:46 GMT -5
LOL KD - I'm going to have that in my head all day now !  |
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Mar 17, 2005 11:52:21 GMT -5
LMAO TRDMF LLAMA LLAMA LLAMA
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Mar 18, 2005 12:58:40 GMT -5
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Post by krazydiamond on Mar 18, 2005 13:47:43 GMT -5
HANGOVER RATING SYSTEM
ONE STAR HANGOVER (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &fries.
TWO STAR HANGOVER (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from
the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked
upon your bowels.
THREE STAR HANGOVER (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured
schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better
right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4
cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you
haven't peed once.
FOUR STAR HANGOVER (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide
the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks
like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look
like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual
spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
FIVE STAR HANGIE (*****) --------a.k.a "the Brian Serniak Payback Special"
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy
out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed
out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose
like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over
your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Mar 24, 2005 7:10:29 GMT -5
 ;D  |
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Mar 29, 2005 14:00:46 GMT -5
2 Chocolate Easter Bunnies are talking to each other! One is missing is butt and one is missing his ears. The one missing his ears says What happened to your butt- he says some damn kid bit it off- then he says what happened to your ears? the other one responds WHAT?
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Foreverdown
having dreams about rocks
Member since August 2004
Posts: 66
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Post by Foreverdown on Mar 29, 2005 15:21:06 GMT -5
Hey Stefan, Here is a visual for your joke. Hope you don't mind...  ;D |
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Post by rockyraccoon on Mar 29, 2005 16:33:02 GMT -5
kd i am rofl at the hangover ratings. the fact that i found them so funny should tell you something about my "before parenting" years lol. i still have people come up laughing about my impersonation of "nell" only they thought i was kidding and "eba dooa" and "twaying in the win" were all i could say lol.
kim
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Post by Jack ( Yorkshire) on Mar 31, 2005 11:35:51 GMT -5
I had this one sent a while back
A blond walks into a garage to get apart for her car,askes the owner for a 710 cap, he cant make it out so he sends her to his mechanic , he cant work it out either, so they go to her car to try to see what she wants.
where is it ?
Its what fits in that round hole on the top of the engine.she says.!
(Try looking upside at 710)
Well , as a ex mechanic I get a chuckle out of it !
Yours Jack
Yorkshire UK
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Apr 1, 2005 15:08:57 GMT -5
[glow=red,3,300]To all my dearest friends, I need some help. My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can't take one because my son is allergic but if three of you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home. Since he lives up by the Lake Robinson Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you. I've attached pictures of the last 3 kittens. Will you help?[/glow]    |
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Apr 1, 2005 16:37:57 GMT -5
MAN!
Thats disgusting![/color]
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