Rose
Cave Dweller 
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Dec 13, 2004 6:48:48 GMT -5
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!" ;D  Anyone got any jokes ? |
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Post by krazydiamond on Dec 13, 2004 18:07:16 GMT -5
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that, too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there's a problem with the emergency brake." ;D |
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Post by docone31 on Dec 13, 2004 20:43:51 GMT -5
Do you know what goes Klip klop, klip klop, klip klop, klik klop, klik klop, Blam! klip klop, klip klop, klip klop, klip klop.....?
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Dec 14, 2004 6:58:46 GMT -5
It seems that the 2004 election was so close that theElectoral College vote was tied, and Congress couldn't break the deadlock. The Supreme Court decided they'd better not again make the decision themselves. So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Wisconsin to have an ice fishing contest. No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honor to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with ten fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day, Kerry caught twenty fish and again W came back empty handed.
When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.
"I hadn't thought of that," said W," you're probably right. What do we do?"
Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.
At the end of day 4, Bush called Cheney up and told him, "you were right, D ick, he is cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
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Post by docone31 on Dec 14, 2004 22:06:50 GMT -5
An Amish drive by shooting. Get it, Klip klop, klip klop, ha, ha, ha, ha,
I constantly amaze myself.
The meteorite shower has made the electricals move around a lot tonite. I have to not talk so much or I will be reported. I can type though. I have tinfoil on the back of my 'puter.
I can hear it in the background. You are busted......They know.......They are coming.....
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Post by rockyraccoon on Dec 15, 2004 12:33:22 GMT -5
An old man in Ontario calls his son in Oklahoma and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of
each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Burlington and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
;D
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Foreverdown
having dreams about rocks
Member since August 2004
Posts: 66
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Post by Foreverdown on Dec 15, 2004 13:03:12 GMT -5
A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and winning! He was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising a ruckus. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked,
"Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the *@#^(## who pushed me in the pool.”
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Post by cookie3rocks on Dec 15, 2004 22:00:53 GMT -5
A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up
on a table.
She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she's ever
seen. The woman asks him if it's true what they say about men with big
feet. The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my
place and let me prove it?"
The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day she
walks into the bar and hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says,
"I'm flattered, ma'am, nobody has ever paid me for my services before,"
To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy
yourself some boots that fit!"
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Jan 2, 2005 15:32:23 GMT -5
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 2, 2005 23:53:30 GMT -5
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said,"That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment we have lived happily ever after".
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Post by krazydiamond on Jan 3, 2005 15:43:04 GMT -5
Good Advice
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Jan 4, 2005 4:46:02 GMT -5
One for the mum's ! YOU KNOW YOUR A MOTHER WHEN ... 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. 2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. 3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. 4. Your kid throws up and you catch it. 5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating. 6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance. 7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching. 8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it. 9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun. 10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats. 11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. 12. You hate the thought of his wife even more. 13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes. 14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final. 15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!" 16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. 17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease. 18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids. 19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face. 20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Some of them are so true especially the ketchup one !  oh and number 4  Hey it beats cleaning the carpet ! |
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Post by cookie3rocks on Jan 8, 2005 21:48:20 GMT -5
This goes to prove there a lot of people with NOTHING to do.
But, some are funny - so, read on
>> No pun in ten
>>
>> 1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
>> stewardess stops them and says "sorry sirs, only one carrion per
>> passenger."
>>
>> 2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
>> purposes. They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
>>
>> 3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood
>> and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted
>> to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
>>
>> 4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank
>> the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it
>> too.
>>
>> 5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar
>> and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>>
>> 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused
>> to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>>
>> 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and met in the
>> lobby, where they were discussing their recent victories in chess
>> tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour,
>> and asked them to disperse. Apparently, the hotel won't tolerate chess
>> nuts boasting in an open foyer.
>>
>> 8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to an
>> Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal." The other is sent to a Spanish
>> family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a
>> picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband,
>> she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins
>> for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"
>>
>> 9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry
>> payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their
>> business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was
>> suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he
>> asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused.
>> The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they
>> refused. So the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug
>> in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their
>> flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be
>> back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in
>> their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
>> friars.
>>
>> 10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
>> created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
>> little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from
>> very bad breath. This, of course, made him a super-callused fragile
>> mystic hexed by halitosis.
>>
>> 11. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 puns to his friends with
>> the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
>>
>> But, alas, no pun in ten did!
>>
>>
>
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Jan 10, 2005 7:12:01 GMT -5
Bear alert
Pay tention now !
The KETTLE POINT Department of Tourism is advising people to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in hiking and camping areas. They advise outdoors-goers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Hikers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Jan 11, 2005 14:43:50 GMT -5
Subject: Court Reporter & Dumb Lawyers
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Take Care,
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Post by rockyraccoon on Jan 13, 2005 23:48:18 GMT -5
A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated
next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about
nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first."
"A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same
stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea".
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that
you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s-h-i-t?"
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Jan 14, 2005 5:58:40 GMT -5
Tony Blair wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office. So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high international quality.
The stamps are created, printed, and released.
Tony is delighted.
Within a few days of release of the stamp Tony begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking so he phones his old mate Mandy and asks him to investigate. After checking it out at several post offices Mandy phones back ...
"There is nothing wrong with the stamp - the problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
;D ;D ;D
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Post by krazydiamond on Jan 19, 2005 16:52:27 GMT -5
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some nuts." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs (Health Maintenance Organizations, for you
non-Americans).
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Banjocreek
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since March 2003
Posts: 1,115
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Post by Banjocreek on Jan 20, 2005 11:05:15 GMT -5
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9
officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what
do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Jan 20, 2005 11:51:15 GMT -5
As Arlo Guthrie would say, "'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it".
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Hey it beats cleaning the carpet !
... to the New Guys from The ChatBox V.2 Crew