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Post by vegasjames on Mar 8, 2019 2:07:05 GMT -5
At breakfast, a man asked his wife
“What would you do if I won the lottery?”
She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”
“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”
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Post by miket on Mar 8, 2019 11:01:32 GMT -5
How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see which one is happier to see you when you open it.
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lookatthat
Cave Dweller
Whatever there is to be found.
Member since May 2017
Posts: 1,360
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Post by lookatthat on Mar 8, 2019 11:58:48 GMT -5
A man comes home from the bar, where he's been with all the guys, and says to his wife, "When I get home, I expect dinner to be on the table, no matter what time it is! And then after dinner, I expect you to bring me my slippers and my beer and be quiet so I can watch TV in comfort. And then I expect you to draw my bath for me just the way I like. And afterwards we are going to have sex the way I like. And in the morning I expect you to bring me breakfast just the way I like. And then guess who is going to dress me and do my hair just the way I like?
Wife say, "I expect the undertaker will."
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lookatthat
Cave Dweller
Whatever there is to be found.
Member since May 2017
Posts: 1,360
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Post by lookatthat on Mar 10, 2019 17:59:28 GMT -5
Why did the muskmelons have a big church wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
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Post by vegasjames on Mar 11, 2019 2:34:20 GMT -5
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody Parody (Opinion Rhapsody)
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Post by rockjunquie on Mar 11, 2019 10:14:53 GMT -5
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody Parody (Opinion Rhapsody) That was a hit in the cave.
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Post by mohs on Mar 11, 2019 10:52:23 GMT -5
I’ve never seen that This is just my opinion
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Post by mohs on Mar 11, 2019 11:28:38 GMT -5
3 old guy are discussing the hassles of aging.
First guy:
I have to pee every morning at 6 am & have difficultly starting a stream
Second guy:
I feel the need for a bowel movement every morning at 6 a.m & I’m always constipated.
Third guy:
O I'm quite regular with a one and a two-
every morning at 7 a.m.
The 2 guys look at him and say:
That doesn’t sound to bad.
Third guy:
yah? --only problem is
I don’t wake till 8 a.m.....
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kog
starting to shine!
Member since March 2019
Posts: 31
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Post by kog on Mar 15, 2019 23:00:14 GMT -5
My dog is a Canarly...
Moved up North with him...
People say, "Oh!, What a gorgeous dog! What type is he?
I say he's a Canarly...
They're puzzled - "never heard of that breed before..."
I say, "it's a Southern Breed... I think up here y'all call them Heinz 57's... You know, Mutts..."
"But, you said he's a Canarly and I've never heard of one!"
I says, evilly laughing, "Canarly means Can't Hardly Tell The Difference..."
They walk away, stop, return, "Mister, are you putting me on?"
Wanna know what we call a Yankee?
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lookatthat
Cave Dweller
Whatever there is to be found.
Member since May 2017
Posts: 1,360
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Post by lookatthat on Mar 17, 2019 10:24:14 GMT -5
Love that "Opinion Rhapsody." I'm so glad the old dame corrected that "Your wrong" sign. You go, lady!
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Post by Rockindad on May 22, 2019 21:52:25 GMT -5
Not really a joke as this really happened Saturday, still laughing about it. I have coached baseball and softball for many years. Well Saturday was our first game of the season, which we happened to be playing on the road in a neighboring town. So I was minding my business getting our dugout setup and finally enjoying a gorgeous day after about 47 days in a row of rain. Out of nowhere this extremely nervous lady comes up to me asking me question after question. She finally tells me that she is the new recreation director for this town and does not really know what to do. After talking a bit and making my best efforts to put her at ease I thought we were done and she started to walk away. Out of the corner of my eye I see her coming back and I am mildly annoyed as I am trying to work with my kids. So I turn around to see what she needs when she blurts out "Can I see your balls?!?" Right away I could see she was regretting how that came out. I had one of those moments with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Well I looked her straight in her eyes, kept it together and responded "Well, with the kids right here and my wife in the bleachers I don't think that would be a good idea". Then I couldn't hold it together any longer and just burst out laughing and that poor lady was looking for somewhere to hide.
After the game, as I was giving a post game talk to my team, she came back over and asked if she could talk to my kids and parents. She was just thanking them for coming out to her town, etc. and there I was like a little kid giggling and trying not to burst out laughing again. When she was done speaking we walked off to the side and shared a good laugh.
Al
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lookatthat
Cave Dweller
Whatever there is to be found.
Member since May 2017
Posts: 1,360
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Post by lookatthat on May 23, 2019 9:48:19 GMT -5
A man goes to his his doctor. He says, "Doc, I'm so stressed. My blood pressure is high, I have ulcers, and I just feel awful."
Doc looks him over and says, "You're not getting enough exercise. I want you to go home and walk 3 miles a day and give me a call in a month."
So the man goes home, and sure enough, the doctor receives a call in 30 days. The man says, "You were so right, Doc! Now I'm 90 miles from home and I never felt better in my life!"
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Post by amygdule on May 30, 2019 21:44:35 GMT -5
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Post by 1dave on Jun 2, 2019 12:26:55 GMT -5
Live on the edge.
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Bucknutty
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since November 2017
Posts: 171
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Post by Bucknutty on Jun 2, 2019 22:47:43 GMT -5
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's up in Heaven right now, with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jun 30, 2019 15:19:00 GMT -5
Balance...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'" "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things. " God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Arizona, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'" God smiled, "I will create California… Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
And He wasn't kidding, either!!!
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Post by Rockindad on Jun 30, 2019 16:09:26 GMT -5
Balance...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'" "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things. " God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Arizona, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'" God smiled, "I will create California… Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
And He wasn't kidding, either!!!
Took everything I had not to jump to the end. I would have bet my next paycheck it was going to be New York! Al
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jun 30, 2019 16:45:50 GMT -5
Balance...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'" "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things. " God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Arizona, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'" God smiled, "I will create California… Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."
And He wasn't kidding, either!!!
Took everything I had not to jump to the end. I would have bet my next paycheck it was going to be New York! Al Imagine it's quite appropriate for a number of places. (In my mind's eye, I could just see some Arizonans beaming, lol.)
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Post by mohs on Jun 30, 2019 19:45:36 GMT -5
The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, a dying breed m stly
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Post by rockpickerforever on Jun 30, 2019 19:48:36 GMT -5
The people from Arizona are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, a dying breed m stly Handsome, modest, intelligent? Ha ha, I didn't say that! (Modest, huh?) ETA - Oops, I guess I did say that. Need to pay more attention to what I am quoting. (Who would believe that, anyway? )
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