GAS PRICES

this probably belongs in the Joke Thread, but i couln't resist...

> Subject: Dave Barry on Gas Prices
> Date: Tue, 06 Sep 2005 13:30:13 -0400
>
> If you've been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked
> by the prices: $2.97, $3.06, even $3.15. And that's just for Hostess
> Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse.
>
> Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights
> are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: 'In addition
> to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices,
> so they can drive around in `sport utility' vehicles the size of minor
> planets.''
>
> And don't let any so-called ''economists'' try to tell you that
> foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric
> gasoline, which is sold in foreign units called ''kilometers,'' plus
> they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the ''franc,''
> the ''lira'' and the ''doubloon.'' So in fact there is no mathematical
> way to tell WHAT they are paying.
>
> But here in the U.S., we are definitely getting messed over, and the
> question is: What are we going to do about it? Step one, of course, is
> to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They
> have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we'd
> probably win several hundred billion dollars.
>
> But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this problem, we must
> understand how the oil business works. Like most Americans, you
> probably think that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station.
> Ha ha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks located
> UNDER the gas station.
>
> These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large
> oil tankers filled with oil from the Middle East.
>
> But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place? To
> answer that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era
> that geologists call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed
> the Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for
> broccoli, which they hated.
>
> And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway asteroid, believed by
> scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Marlon Brando,
> slammed into the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck
> all happened to be standing right where it landed. The massive impact
> turned the dinosaurs, via a process called photosynthesis, into oil;
> this oil was then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in
> turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who hate each other,
> and thus the Middle East was formed.
>
> For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United
> States with as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices.
> But then the major oil-producing nations -- Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq,
> Kuwait and Texas -- got all snotty and formed an organization called
> OPEC, which stands for ''North Atlantic Treaty Organization.'' In the
> 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices, and soon the United States was
> caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era.
>
> It was horrible. You couldn't go to a bar or wedding reception without
> being ordered onto the dance floor to learn ``The Hustle.''
>
> At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the
> fact that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep
> his or her automobile gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon
> as your gas gauge dropped from ''Full'' to ''Fifteen-sixteenths,''
> you'd rush to a gas station and get in a huge line with hundreds of
> other motorists who also had nearly full tanks. Also a lot of people,
> including me, saved on heating oil by buying kerosene space heaters,
> which enabled us to transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room
> filled with kerosene fumes.
>
> Buying gas and dancing ''The Hustle'' with people who smelled like
> kerosene: That was the '70s.
>
> So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of
> our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburbans
> boasting the same fuel economy as the Pentagon. Now, once again, we
> find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This
> time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get
> serious about energy conservation?
>
> Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms! So we need to get more
> oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there's only one practical way to
> do this.
>
> That's right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology,
> as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, ''Jurassic Park''
> and ''Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.'' Once we have
> the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if he is available,
> Michael Moore.
>
> If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then
> write to your congressperson. Do it now! That way you'll be busy when
> I siphon your tank.
>

KD

Krazy: I don't think this belongs in the joke thread, you did a great post in reality about people. You hit the nail on the head or you hit the head of the nail. Jim

This whole gas price thingee is terrible! I am driving 7 hours to go to my ranch next week and it's gonna cost me probably $200 in my giant V-8, four by four pickup, especially because I have the truck loaded real heavy with $50 worth of firewood for my wood stove so I can save money on winter heating ( scratching my head). Of course the main reason I'm going up is I've been invited to a big party and I'm gonna go rock hunting. Of course, with the truck filled up with rocks on the return trip, my mileage goes down again and I spend another $200 to freight home $50 worth of rocks. What the heck! *L* It totally works for me.

Yea American consumerizm at it's finest!

Do the Words Bite ME mean anything to you??? I had a deal like that for a while- Course being on the road 15 days of the month wasn't worth it!

Hey Rockbs that's ok just wait till the boss comes up to you and tells you thatyour new set of wheels is in the parking lot, And when you go to look there is a motor scooter sitting there! Then the boss walks up behind and saids ya she's a beauty isn't she , going to save the company a bunch gets 100 miles per gal. Well it was eather her or a wage cut and I mean cut! lol

It may get worse...

With Rita coming to Texas (TX makes up 25% of US refined oil production) all oil production will be closed by end of day today. News says production will be closed for, at best, 3-4 days. Gas prices may go as high as $5.00/gal.

Buy gas now if you have not already!!