Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Jul 19, 2008 12:50:03 GMT -5
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Tonja
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Jul 19, 2008 12:59:47 GMT -5
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Tonja
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 19, 2008 13:37:22 GMT -5
OK, the toilet mirror will be hard to beat.
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Jul 19, 2008 17:45:45 GMT -5
A man was sunbathing in the nude, he fell asleep.
He woke up in extreme pain with a burnt penis.
He phoned his doctor who told him to ease the pain by dipping it in cold milk.
Some time later his 'blonde' wife came home to discover him with his penis in a bowl of milk, "my goodness" she exclaimed, "I alway wondered how you reloaded those things."
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Post by catmandewe on Jul 19, 2008 17:58:03 GMT -5
Good one Tonja!!
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Post by Lady B on Jul 19, 2008 18:37:28 GMT -5
This is a nice one: GOTTA LOVE A DRUNK A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk |
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Jul 19, 2008 18:40:23 GMT -5
Reckon T i double gu er's got it here's another one.
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated
each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that
it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals
that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able
to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his
voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.
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Post by Lady B on Jul 19, 2008 18:41:41 GMT -5
And this one is "Oh, I wish this really happened and if it did, how I would have loved to have been there!" The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and Welcome to Wal-Mart.....Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't twins! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....Do you really think they look alike?" "No Ma'am", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." |
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Jul 19, 2008 18:46:00 GMT -5
Almost choked haven't seen that one for a while.
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 19, 2008 20:30:01 GMT -5
yeah, the Wal-mart one is great. I heard it before, so I just smiled - but I recall laughing pretty hard when I 1st heard it.
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spikeict
fully equipped rock polisher
Alba gu bra! In Promptu
Member since November 2006
Posts: 1,413
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Post by spikeict on Jul 19, 2008 21:57:15 GMT -5
There was to be a RTH convention, three members a wire wrapper, a tumbler and a cabber lived close together so they all went in the same car. A great time was had by all and it went late into the night. On the way back the car the three were riding in broke down, they saw the yard light of a farm house so walked to it. When the farmer finally opened the door and they explained their problem he agreed to help but it would have to wait until morning. He also said there was room for two of them to stay in the house but one would have to sleep in the barn.
The wire wrapper spoke up and said, no problem I will sleep in the barn, I will see you all in the morning. Everyone settled down and was about to go to sleep when there was a knock at the door, when the farmer opened it there was there wire wrapper who said I am so sorry to bother but you see I am Jewish and there is a pig in the barn, my religion will not allow me to stay there. The Tumbler said I understand I will take your place and sleep in the barn.
Again just as everyone settles down there is a knock at the door, everyone gets up and yes there stands the tumbler, he says you see I am Hindu and there is a cow in there and, the cabber cuts him short and says I understand, I will sleep out there. And with that he goes out to the barn
Everyone is barely in bed this time when there is a knock at the door, sure enough there stands the pig and the cow.
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Jul 20, 2008 9:23:06 GMT -5
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Tonja
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Post by Tweetiepy on Jul 20, 2008 11:03:27 GMT -5
I have a spot in my medicine cabinet where I always keep my chapstick handy - the kids know where it is and are encouraged to use the chapstick at every possible occasion. I demonstrated this to my 4 year old son and showed him how to return it to this place when he was done. One day when we were getting ready to run some errands, my son wasn't at the door waiting to leave, so I went looking for him. I found him in the bathroom putting chapstick on the cat's butt - the cat didn't seem to mind and was standing quite still - my son looked up at me and said "chapped" (now anyone with a cat will tell you that yes, that does indeed look chapped) - But now I'm wondering if this is the first time he's done this or if he's been doing this for some time now?!  - Yuck! - I need to find a hidden spot for MY chapstick!  |
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 20, 2008 20:24:21 GMT -5
Ok folks -
I am going to give the slab to Tonja/Tigger for pulling the most laugh out of me with the mirror and the toilet water. THanks for playing. I hope we get to see that Tonja does with the slab.
-Daniel
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adrian65
Cave Dweller 
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Jul 20, 2008 23:02:46 GMT -5
Congratz Tonja! Very good one!
I told that joke to my daughter and she told me she didn't know it, and believe me, it's very hard to hear this from her when you tell her a joke.
Thanks Daniel for the contest. Very original and funny.
Adrian
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Post by beefjello on Jul 21, 2008 8:07:17 GMT -5
Congo Rats Tonja! ;D Say, Christa and I will be in Orlando week after next (first time to Florida for both of us). Are there any good rock shops in town? How about a good restaurant? We'll be staying at the Swan and Dolphin, can't wait to check out the 'other' Disney!  |
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Jul 21, 2008 14:51:40 GMT -5
Cool Beef. I work next to the Swan and Dolphin, at The Yacht & Beach Club. Let me know when you will be around. I usually work during daytime hours between 5 am to 3:00 pm. Would love to see you guys. I don't know of ANY rock shops here. As far as a restaurant, check out the Polynesian Hotels' Oh Hanna's. It is my very favorite. It's all you can eat and extremely good. Fire grilled beef, chicken and pork, you get all of them or just what you want and all the goodies to go with it. So well worth the money. If you don't have reservations, make them NOW! You won't regret it. Let me know what's up. I get in to any park free, maybe we could meet up.
Thanks Daniel for the fun and original contest. I really enjoyed it. Wasn't sure about my lipstick on the mirror joke, but glad it got a chuckle out of ya!
Thanks everyone else.
Tonja
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Post by sitnwrap on Jul 21, 2008 15:37:02 GMT -5
Congrats Tonja, your joke made me burst out laughing.
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Post by Lady B on Jul 21, 2008 19:30:55 GMT -5
Congrats, Tonja!!! I went to an all girls' high-school. Your joke-story really brought back memories of some very funny "ladies' room" shenanigans!!! ;D This was a FUN Contest! Thanks, Daniel! Okay...where's the next Contest?  Lady B |
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Jul 22, 2008 9:46:12 GMT -5
...This was a FUN Contest! Thanks, Daniel! Okay...where's the next Contest? Lady B Kate, your wish is my command! ;D Go check the thread next to this one. Adrian |
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- Yuck! - I need to find a hidden spot for MY chapstick! 
