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Post by deb193redux on Jul 17, 2008 11:33:28 GMT -5
OK - I have this small piece of Imperial, but recently got larger pieces with darker colors and more pronounced lines. So, I will give this away for the best joke. Over the next week or so it will be the joke that catches me by surprise and pulls a chuckle out of me.  Post em here! |
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adrian65
Cave Dweller 
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Jul 17, 2008 14:26:09 GMT -5
Those pink/green colors remind me a joke about colors:
Father/son talk:
- Dady, what are these fruits?
- Black plums, son.
- Then why are they red?
- 'Cause they're still green.
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Post by rockrookie on Jul 17, 2008 14:49:01 GMT -5
what did the Chinese couple name their blond haired ,blue eyed baby -----------------------------------Sum Ting Wong ---------------- no offense meant to any one !!!! thanks for contest . ---------paul
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Jul 17, 2008 19:27:58 GMT -5
An Accident Report
I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope…
Tonja
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 17, 2008 20:13:37 GMT -5
Tonja, the last line alone is almost as funny as all the rest. I had seen this story before but forgot about that last bit.
rockrookie, clever. I am not sure it works out loud quite as well, but I am keen to try.
adrian, I like your story. I think it is more mind-candy, like a good riddle. Sensible on one level and internally contradicting on another.
...
Since coming to OregonState, I have heard much about Beavers and Ducks. Not giving any thought to football - ever - I took some time to understand what all this Beaver/Duck talk was all about. But once I understood it, I promptly forgot about the Beavers and Ducks.
On a recent trip to Richardson's Rock Ranch, I chatted with the older Richardson gentleman. When he heard I drove over from Corvallis, he got all serious and asked me if I knew how to keep the Beavers out of my yard in Corvallis.
When I started to explain that I had seen some deer, and lots of squirrels, and even one raccoon, I had not seen any Beavers - well he interrupted me and authoritatively stated "just put up goalposts".
It took me a second to understand. Think about it.
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rockwizz
freely admits to licking rocks
Member since May 2007
Posts: 971
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Post by rockwizz on Jul 17, 2008 20:33:39 GMT -5
Why do black people grow so tall?
because their knee-grows (negroes)
oh
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Post by Lady B on Jul 17, 2008 21:16:05 GMT -5
Florida Public Safety Warning The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Volusia, Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. Lady B  |
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Post by akansan on Jul 17, 2008 21:38:25 GMT -5
Okay, I don't think I've seen this one here:
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......
"Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 17, 2008 22:45:01 GMT -5
akansan takes the lead!! - got a double chuckle out of me.
Lady B would have had it hands down, except I laughed and laughed when I 1st heard that as a tiger joke.
Speaking of BUTT Lights ....
.... same medical building, same nurse, previous job ...
While standing in the hallway speaking to my doctor, I saw his nurse enter an exam room with a bowl of steaming water. After a few minutes I hear this intense scream and in a matter of moments this guy in a hospital gown comes running out and down the hall still screaming.
On seeing this the doc yells out, "Evelyn !!!!!!!!! I said prick his boil"
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Post by catmandewe on Jul 18, 2008 0:06:59 GMT -5
An Arizona senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-10, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the State-Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said,
"Three years ago, my wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper.. ................... I thought you were bringing her back."
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 18, 2008 0:33:06 GMT -5
Tony caught me unawares - I was expecting a different punch line. Good joke.
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Post by sbreed on Jul 18, 2008 0:41:32 GMT -5
Beautiful Arizona
Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the community pool (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $500 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $350,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,300 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 122 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Arizona! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes…
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Jul 18, 2008 5:35:00 GMT -5
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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Post by krazydiamond on Jul 18, 2008 8:17:59 GMT -5
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes Me Proud To Be An American
(Your mileage may vary)
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Post by beefjello on Jul 18, 2008 10:59:43 GMT -5
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired
'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says
'Well, OK...'
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked
'What the heck happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently on the neck and said
'This ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
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Post by krazydiamond on Jul 18, 2008 13:56:44 GMT -5
that almost made water come out my nose........good one.
KD
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Jul 18, 2008 14:37:41 GMT -5
LOL Liked that one too.
Hey Daniel, How many times can we enter?
Good jokes all around.
Tonja
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Post by akansan on Jul 18, 2008 15:26:36 GMT -5
LOL! That one is great, Beef.
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Jul 18, 2008 16:04:27 GMT -5
Yup that one got me nice one beefjello.
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Post by deb193redux on Jul 18, 2008 21:14:21 GMT -5
LOL Liked that one too. Hey Daniel, How many times can we enter? Good jokes all around. Tonja Let's end Sunday night. No problem with multiple entries. |
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