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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 27, 2007 1:35:23 GMT -5
>>Lemon Squeeze
>>
>>There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
>>
>>Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
>>sinned."
>>
>>The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
>>
>>The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to
>>me seven times."
>>
>>The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
>>
>>glass and then drink the juice."
>>
>>The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
>>
>>The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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stefan
Cave Dweller 
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Mar 27, 2007 11:56:35 GMT -5
LMAO!!!!!!
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Post by parfive on Mar 29, 2007 23:59:19 GMT -5
Sad News
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully
at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 30, 2007 0:14:36 GMT -5
he put his left leg out ---hahaha good one
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Rose
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
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Post by Rose on Mar 30, 2007 19:27:37 GMT -5
Sorry if this has already been posted, my dad sent me this today ;D
Technology Breakthrough
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Mar 31, 2007 0:57:23 GMT -5
A man sees his neighbor eating some big peanuts. He said to him:
- Hi, neighbor, where do you have those big peanuts from?
- I have them from my golden frog in the backyard lake, he said. If you tell her what's your wish, it will become true.
- Wow, would you please let me talk to your frog?
- Be my guest, but you must speak loud, as the frog doesn't hear very well!
The man goes to the backyard and told the frog he would like tho have a nice cat. When he arrived home, he founds a rat instead. He goes back to his neighbor and said: "man, you were right, your frog doesn't hear well at all, I wanted a cat and she gave me rat".
- I know, I know! Do you really think my wish was to have huge peanuts?
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Post by krazydiamond on Apr 4, 2007 19:35:39 GMT -5
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled
in there in the first place......whoop him again!"
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Apr 5, 2007 13:20:31 GMT -5
LMAO!
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 6, 2007 22:04:15 GMT -5
hahaha all good ones but I'm goin wit roses hahaha ----------------------------------- now thats stereo
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WarrenA
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since November 2003
Posts: 1,530
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Post by WarrenA on Apr 8, 2007 10:59:53 GMT -5
Do you know the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer? The prositute will stop screwing you when you are dead
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Apr 11, 2007 9:23:24 GMT -5
LMAO!!!!
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donsimpson
starting to spend too much on rocks
Duncan and Mari's Dad
Member since September 2006
Posts: 176
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Post by donsimpson on Apr 11, 2007 12:51:28 GMT -5
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhasted.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory, but I had to quit. You couldn't park anywhere near that place.
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donsimpson
starting to spend too much on rocks
Duncan and Mari's Dad
Member since September 2006
Posts: 176
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Post by donsimpson on Apr 11, 2007 13:29:51 GMT -5
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and order a drink. The bartender says "Ok, but don't start anything."
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Apr 17, 2007 0:05:22 GMT -5
A woman enters a store where man were sold. She reads a poster with the store's rule: "You can buy any man from this store, but once arrived at a floor, you may not go downstairs, but only upstairs!"
At the ground floor was a poster:"Men"
The woman starts climbing the stairs and at the first floor finds another poster "Men with jobs".
Wow, she saids and keeps climbing. At he second floor - "Good looking Men with jobs and cars"
At the third floor - "Good looking, kid loving men with jobs"
She keeps climbing, and at he 4-th floor was: "Good looking, kid loving, rich, great lovers men"
Wow, at the 5-th must be awesome, she said and kept climbing.
At the 5-th floor, a on a big screen was written;
"You are the 3,216,127 visitor of this store. From all the visitors, 3,216,127 reached the 5-th floor. This is the proof that women will never be pleased with their men.
Just for your knowledge, across the street is a store that sells women.
At the ground floor there are women.
At the first floor are pretty women.
At the second floor are pretty women that love sex.
Floors 3 to 5 were never visited"
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Post by lonewolfrockhound on Apr 17, 2007 12:28:40 GMT -5
My wife left me... I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back
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Post by parfive on Apr 18, 2007 15:20:55 GMT -5
Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
"Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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Post by parfive on Apr 18, 2007 15:21:19 GMT -5
Will I live to be 80?
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and BBQ'd ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cards or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things,"
Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a s**t?"
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Post by Toad on Apr 19, 2007 19:16:46 GMT -5
Nice parfive.
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Apr 21, 2007 1:42:26 GMT -5
Two vampire bats, both having blood traces around their mouths, are talking.
The first one:
- See that sleeping cow on that meadow?
- Yes.
- Well, incredible sweet blood!
The other one:
- But you see that church tower?
- Yes.
- Well, I didn't.
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donsimpson
starting to spend too much on rocks
Duncan and Mari's Dad
Member since September 2006
Posts: 176
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Post by donsimpson on Apr 23, 2007 13:25:54 GMT -5
An elderly gentleman steps into a confessional and sits down.
The priest asks "What can I do for you?"
The elderly gentleman says "Last night I had sex with a 21 year old woman."
The priest asks "When was your last confession?"
The elderly gentleman says "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
So the priest asks "Then why are you telling me this?"
To which the old man responds "I'm telling everyone!"
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