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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 17, 2007 23:17:14 GMT -5
hahahjaha
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on Feb 22, 2007 18:36:42 GMT -5
ok, now. The joke thread has been stuck on page 18 for a long time! I can't handle all the work...so after this joke, someone else jump in:
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident in their grades that before the final exam, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time.
However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final, they decided
to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend, planning to come back in time to study. But, unfortunately they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final exam the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went to take the test the next day at the designated time. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points.
It was something simple about free radical formation. "This is easy," they thought as they answered the first question.
Each finished the first problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points)....
Which tire went flat as you were returning to campus?
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Post by Toad on Feb 26, 2007 6:00:21 GMT -5
Very clever professor. But I guess that's why they get paid the big bucks.
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stefan
Cave Dweller 
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Feb 28, 2007 12:41:34 GMT -5
I love that one!
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Mar 3, 2007 5:52:08 GMT -5
How did God punish the man? He took fhis brains and then the man get married.
But the real punish was that God gave the brains back to him!
***
A just-married couple. She sais: "Darling, let's shear the responsabilities: you will decide on the important problems and I will decide which are the important problems.
***
Fundamental questions:
why are there locks on the doors of non-stop stores?
what do you do if you have a shotgun and see an endangered species animal eating an endangered species plant?
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on Mar 3, 2007 8:50:52 GMT -5
A woman arrived at the Pearly Gates. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day since he had business in another part of Heaven.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia.
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to
pay later!
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grant
noticing nice landscape pebbles
Member since March 2007
Posts: 85
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Post by grant on Mar 4, 2007 23:14:56 GMT -5
 I think My wife and I had a peeping Tom last night when we were undressing for bed. I could hear them out there Puking. 
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Post by xenaswolf on Mar 10, 2007 1:26:16 GMT -5
Divorce?
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 12, 2007 1:14:18 GMT -5
>> You are going to laugh at these ones!!!!!!
>> >
>> >
>> > GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
>> > 1. Sag, you're It.
>> > 2. Hide and go pee.
>> > 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
>> > 4. Kick the bucket
>> > 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
>> > 6. Musical recliners.
>> > 7. Simon says something incoherent.
>> > 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
>> >
>> > SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
>> > 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
>> > 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids'
>>names on them.
>> > 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
>> >
>> > OLD IS WHEN:
>> > 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
>>face.
>> > 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
>>as you don't have to go
>> > along.
>> > 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber
>>today.
>> > 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the
>>parking lot.
>> > 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
>> >
>> > Thoughts for the day
>> > - Wouldn't it be nice, if whenever we messed up our
>>life we could simply press
>> > 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
>> > - Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all
>>fall off.
>> > - If raising children was going to be easy, it never
>>would have started with
>> > something called labor!
>> > - Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells
>>live forever.
>> >
>> > But Most Of All, Remember !
>> > - A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find,
>>Supportive, Comfortable, And
>> > Always Close To Your Heart!
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 13, 2007 22:22:29 GMT -5
Woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies,
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror,
stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothe&&&=@^ks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes
back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
" She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Mar 14, 2007 4:50:42 GMT -5
While rockhounding these days, I think I've discovered a Murphy-type law. I name it Adrian's Rockhounding Law as I didn't hear/read it before. Please correct me if it isn't true, I don't want to steal anybody's pattent  : 1. While rockhounding on a riverbed, the other bank is ALWAYS richer in stones than your bank.  2. No. 1 remains valid even after you cross the river.  |
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Mar 17, 2007 1:43:47 GMT -5
A poor man walks through the forest. Suddenly, a bandit apeears and says:
- Hands up! I'm Robin Hood, I take from the rich and give to the poor!
- But, friend, I'm the poorest man in the world! he says. Then Robin Hood gives him lots of money and jewlery.
- I'm rich, I'm rich! yells the man happyly.
- Hands up! I'm Robin Hood, I take from the rich and give to the poor!
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Post by Toad on Mar 20, 2007 6:27:16 GMT -5
Dang Xena!
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chassroc
Cave Dweller
Rocks are abundant when you have rocktumblinghobby pals
Member since January 2005
Posts: 3,586
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Post by chassroc on Mar 20, 2007 12:41:12 GMT -5
And the moral of the story is...Easy come, Easy go
csroc
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 22, 2007 13:26:10 GMT -5
this is all in fun guys not ment to make a statement haha
Are You a Republican, Democrat, or Southerner?
This little Party Test is floating around the internet and is funny enough to share with you here. Snuffy, my S&W .38 Special, was especially amused by this test. It is meant to help you decide if you are a Republican, Democrat or Southerner.
The answer can be found by answering the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 calibre, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
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.
.
.
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.
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
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.
.
.
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click "Damn! I'm out!"
Daughter: "Nice pattern Daddy! Were those the Silver Tips, black talons, or them new Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one Daddy?"
Wife: "You ain't takin' THAT to no Taxidermist!"
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Post by Toad on Mar 23, 2007 22:49:11 GMT -5
Very nice, Sands.
Guess that makes me a republican (as if you didn't know)
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Post by xenaswolf on Mar 24, 2007 21:42:02 GMT -5
LOL I'm a Southerner!
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 24, 2007 21:54:05 GMT -5
xena i hear ya what fun is it if ya dont atleast empty one clip hahahaha --- im a good ole boy at heart too -- and since i spent time in mississippi with kim and bill im dam proud of it
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Post by texaswoodie on Mar 25, 2007 17:44:10 GMT -5
Count me in as a Southerner. When you run out of ammo, you could always run over him a few times.
Curt
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Mar 26, 2007 8:30:00 GMT -5
Geeze I was born in the south- and guess what??? I'm still a Southerner!!!
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Nov 15, 2024 17:44:51 GMT -5
Nov 15, 2024 17:44:51 GMT -5
