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Post by lonewolfrockhound on Feb 8, 2007 19:49:19 GMT -5
LMAO!
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spacegold
has rocks in the head
Member since September 2006
Posts: 732
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Post by spacegold on Feb 10, 2007 3:35:02 GMT -5
Happy now, Tonja?
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Feb 10, 2007 8:37:25 GMT -5
I'm having a real hard time figuring out just what it is about this post that is supossed to be funny..... World History Lesson Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. . ....so I guess more than half of our fighting men and women are just weak, pathetic 'girly' types right? Don't ask don't tell... right? I don't think so... Go ahead and label me an angry lib... so be it.  I'm having a real hard time figuring out just what it is about this post that is supossed to be funny..... It must be that the thread is titled "Joke Thread". Ron |
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on Feb 10, 2007 9:49:24 GMT -5
A farmer had three sows and he wanted to expand his pig business, but he didn't have any boars. So he spoke to another farmer down the road and asked if he could bring his three sows over to his place so he could breed them with his boar. The farmer consented, so the three sows were put in a pen with the boar. Later in the day, the farmer arrived to take his sows home. He asked the farmer, "how will I know that they are impregnated?" The farmer tells him that they will by lying down in their pen a lot, not wanting to move around much. So, the guy takes his sows home and puts them in their pen for the night. The next morning, when he goes to the kitchen for breakfast, his wife is standing near the kitchen window. He says, "honey, will you look out he window and tell me if the sows are lying down?" She looks and says, "nope...they are just sort of walking around." Hmmm...the farmer says. Well, I guess I"ll have to take them down the road so they can stay with the boar for another day. When he brings them back home later that evening, he puts them back in the pen. The next morning, he asks his wife to look out the window at the sows again. She says "no, they are still just walking around again." "Well, durn....I guess I will have to take them to the boar one more time" he says. Once again, he brings them back, and puts them in the pen. The next morning...the same thing...he asks his wife to look at the sows in the pen and see if they are lying down. She looks and says "nope, as a matter of fact they are in your pickup truck waiting for you.....and one of them is blowing the horn!"
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RockyBlue
fully equipped rock polisher
Go U.K.
Member since June 2006
Posts: 1,719
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Post by RockyBlue on Feb 11, 2007 11:16:42 GMT -5
How do you get 30 old women to say the F word.................Shout out "BINGO......Rocky
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blarneystone
spending too much on rocks
Rocks in my head
Member since March 2010
Posts: 307
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Post by blarneystone on Feb 11, 2007 11:28:56 GMT -5
this one's a little old but still funny... Retirement Planning: If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. With Lucent, you would have $3.50 left of the original $1000.00. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.  |
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erbojones
has rocks in the head
Member since October 2006
Posts: 659
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Post by erbojones on Feb 11, 2007 12:08:38 GMT -5
Here goes nothing (this is the only relatively clean joke I know!!):
Two nuns (yep nuns are great - I did a computer course with 2 nuns once and they were soooo naughty and unruly anyway back to the joke)....
2 nuns were out in the car for a drive around when suddenly there was a loud bang and there on the bonnet of the car making obscene gestures through the windscreen was none other than the Devil!!
"Quick" said Sister Barbara, "show him you're cross"
So Sister Gabriel hung out the window and shouted "Get off my f***ing car, you evil ole b*****d"!!!!
Geddit!?!
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Post by Toad on Feb 11, 2007 12:25:41 GMT -5
World History Lesson Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Then why did the Republicans put a JackAss in the whitehouse? Because the alternatives were Gore and Kerry. What would you do? |
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Post by Toad on Feb 11, 2007 12:27:47 GMT -5
A buddy of mine was hanging out at a local gathering spot in his small, southern town on this past Election Day. Evidently Jeopardy was playing on the televisions inside and upon going outside to smoke a small group was discussing a previous question.
The question was about the name of the second planet from the Sun. My friend, of course, knew the answer (Venus), but one person, a woman in her late 30’s, decided to chime in with, “Everyone knows it’s Earth.”
My buddy, resisting the urge to pounce in her in the form of thrusting a finger at her and laughing, calmly said, “No, actually it isn’t. The second planet is Venus. Earth is the third planet.”
The woman, without missing a beat, responds happily, “Well, I never was too into astrology.”
This time my buddy couldn’t resist. “You voted Republican, didn’t you?”
The woman completely lights up, as if bonding with a stranger who shares a rare hobby, “How did you know?!!”...now that's funny! That is funny. There's one in every family. |
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Post by Toad on Feb 11, 2007 12:33:58 GMT -5
Very funny. But here's a question for you. If Republicans are dumb (and they are), and GW is dumber (and he is) - then how in heck did they have so much power over the last 12 years or so? What does that say about the Dems? Getting outmanuevered by a bunch of dumb, conservative rednecks. |
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Post by Toad on Feb 11, 2007 12:35:03 GMT -5
Very nice erbo...
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blarneystone
spending too much on rocks
Rocks in my head
Member since March 2010
Posts: 307
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Post by blarneystone on Feb 11, 2007 12:40:08 GMT -5
erbo... that was funny .. I'll have to send that one to Sr. Mary Leo... ;D |
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Post by cpdad on Feb 11, 2007 20:58:27 GMT -5
damn toad..ya had to go and include us rednecks didnt ya...well geez  ...i told them ya were responsible for dale earnhardts death...so there on the way ;D click  old..but funny...i have no political agenda..kev. |
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 11, 2007 21:34:50 GMT -5
hey free4rms that was too dam funny haha you know i live in a rv park well im sure i scared the shit outta the guy parked behind me i was laughin so loud hahaha--- honkin the horn hahaha
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 15, 2007 19:54:05 GMT -5
>>
>> This is so true today. What with computers, cell phones, etc. kids
>> can't cope with doing math without something doing the thinking for
>> them.
>>
>> Math 1950-2006
>>
>> Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
>> The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I
>> pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there,
>> holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her
>> register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give
>> me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried
>> to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
>> Why do I tell you this?
>>
>> Because of the evolution in teaching math since the
>> 1950s:
>>
>> 1. Teaching Math In 1950
>> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
>> is
>> 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
>>
>>
>> 2. Teaching Math In 1960
>> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
>> is
>> 4/5 of the price, or $80.
>> What is his profit?
>>
>> 3. Teaching Math In 1970
>> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
>> is $80. Did he make a profit?
>>
>> 4. Teaching Math In 1980
>>
>> A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
>> His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
>> Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
>>
>> 5. Teaching Math In 1990
>> A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
>> inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
>> preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
>> $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
>> Topic for class participation after answering the
>> question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down
>> their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )
>>
>> 6. Teaching Math In 2006
>> Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
>> El costo de la producciones es $80.
hey guys this is just a funny i dont know if we have any spanish members--- not put here to insult anyone -- just thought it was funny
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Post by Toad on Feb 15, 2007 21:20:07 GMT -5
Very nice Sands. I had the same experience once at a Dairy Queen. The registers were out, but they had a key to help them figure out tax. My order came to 3.67. I gave the girl a 5. She wrote both amounts on her scratch pad and just stared at it. It took a good 15 seconds before I told her what the change was. She snapped at me "I know."
Some people aren't good at math - fine. It took me a few seconds to figure out the change myself, but she had a pad of paper!!!! If you can't do simple subtraction with pencil and paper something is wrong with the school system.
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Post by LCARS on Feb 15, 2007 21:36:19 GMT -5
Well, when it comes to fast-food employees, you're not exactly dealing with the valedictorian caste. No offense intended to anyone who's ever had to flip burgers to make ends meet, been there myself so at least i'm not being a hipocryte when I say it.  These are my biggest pet peeves about fast food places... - When ordering, I'll say very clearly in plain English, " I'll have a #4 combo, and that's it." ...and I just KNOW the very next thing they say, " Is that everything?"  Well no actually, in the last 2.3 seconds, I just decided to get an apple pie and some extra fries too, Jeeez grab a brain! - When ordering at the counter I say, " I'll have a double cheese burger, fries & coke to go." ...and I just KNOW the next thing they will say, " Is that for here or to go?" Hmmm, lemme think about that, 2.3 seconds ago I wanted to get the hell outta here with my food ASAP but now that I have seen what a clean and nice smelling place this is and how intelligent and helpfull the staff are, I think i've changed my mind and will eat here instead... Gimmie a break! One very aggrivating annoyance at some places is the "manditory upsell", where you can't order anything but the largest drink without being asked, " Would you like to supersize it for only 50c more?", and you can't just order fries without being asked, " Do you want to add cheese curds & gravy for only $1.50 more?" If I wanted a bladder buster or a poutine then THAT is what I would have ordered! They really must think customers are too stupid to even know what they want or they would not try to insult my intelligence by trying to pander me into spending more money. - Another rude but somewhat less aggrivating annoyance is being asked if my order is " for here or to go?" before I even have a chance to speak. This is more to blame on stupid computerized ordering systems that don't let you enter anything without first specifying IN or OUT than the ineptness of the employees so I try to let that one slide. I sometimes have to bite my tongue because I am often tempted to verbally engage those particularly mindless automatons but then I realise it's a hopeless cause and i'm afraid that many of them are only one or two more nerves away from a total meltdown. The throughput at most of these places rivals that of a metro station sometimes and the washout & turnaround rate is equally stunning. IF THESE PEOPLE ARE IN CHARGE OF OUR FOOD, GOD HELP US!Do you want fries with that?  |
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 15, 2007 22:04:30 GMT -5
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
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Post by cpdad on Feb 15, 2007 22:43:28 GMT -5
SANDS......YOU in trouble...kev.
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on Feb 17, 2007 21:27:11 GMT -5
Al and Frank were bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service somewhere new, like in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Frank notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he has a black eye and a bloody lip. Again, Frank misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a broken nose, knots on his head and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
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...i told them ya were responsible for dale earnhardts death...so there on the way ;D
