Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2007 2:07:16 GMT -5
This is a Blonde Joke!!
A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”
So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.
The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!" She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time
"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???
"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!
This is another (not so funny joke)
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.
"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"
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stefan
Cave Dweller 
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on May 15, 2007 9:36:49 GMT -5
OK Funny- but not meant to offend
Republicans and Democrates.
A Republican Florist goes into the barber shop for a shave and a cut- After he asks how mach and the barber just waves his hand and says No CHarge- just doing a good deed.
The next morning there is a basket of flowers outside the shop.
A republican Butcher goes in for a shave and a haircut and after asks how much- Again the barber just waves and says no charge- just doing a good deed.
The next morning there is 5 lbs of the BEST STEAK all wrapped up wait for the barber.
A Democratic baker goes in for a shave and a haircut. After he asks how much- again the barber waves and says No CHarge- just doing a good deed.
The next morning there are 100 Democrates lined up outside his shop.
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on May 15, 2007 13:12:52 GMT -5
Be very careful at your wishes! A man walks on a lake shore and meats the golden frog. She promised him to fulfill one wish. - Great, the man says! Iwish.... yes, I know! I wish that my ... humm... "tool" to touch the ground while I'm standing. - No problems, the golden frog replies and jumps into the lake. The next moment, a big crocodile jumps from the lake and bites both feet of the man above the knees. Wish fulfilled  |
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nightop
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since April 2007
Posts: 132
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Post by nightop on May 15, 2007 14:16:21 GMT -5
I admit I did not read through all 23 pages so if this one has been told forgive me.
A ventrilquist is up on stage telling blonde joke after blonde joke (in fact I think he told all of them in this thread). Finally this blonde out in the audience stands up and and starts complaining about how she is so offended by all the blonde jokes. The poor ventrilquist starts to apologize saying that he did not mean to offend anyone with the jokes but the blonde inturrupts him and says......
Im not talking to you, I'm talking to that little guy on your knee.
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Post by sandsman1 on May 17, 2007 20:22:24 GMT -5
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.
>
> The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
> "Yes, Father, it is."
>
> "And who was the girl you were with?"
> "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
>
> "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
> as well
> tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
>
> "I cannot say."
>
> "Was it Teresa Volpe?"
> "I'll never tell."
>
> "Was it Nina Capelli?"
>
> "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
>
> "Was it Cathy Piriano?"
>
> "My lips are sealed."
>
> "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
>
> "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>
> The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
> Parisi, and I
> admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
> boy
> now for 4
> months. Now you go and behave yourself."
>
> Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
> whispers,
>
> "What'd you get?"
>
> "4 months vacation and five good leads."
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Post by sandsman1 on May 17, 2007 20:33:50 GMT -5
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby In the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs --- and I was in the wrong one.
** Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I Instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. ** Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five Minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." ** Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told Me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places To put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I Wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the Instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
** Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered ..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
** Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this Morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
** Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
** Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song You were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
** Dr. Wouldn't submit his name
*(Can't blame him!)
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on May 20, 2007 21:56:02 GMT -5
Warning! This is slightly x-rated, but only if your mind is already in the gutter!
When I got back from Michigan last month I had a bunch of Canadian dollars
I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the
local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who
was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of
yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on May 24, 2007 0:51:15 GMT -5
Computer related jokes:
One guy calls Microsoft by phone;
- Hello, I have winXP installed on my pc.
- OK, so?
- And I have a problem
- Well, you already told that before!
***
Messages on the screen:
"Keyboard not found. Press F1"
"Mouse not found. Click OK to continue"
***
Two guys, one from computer industry and one from cars industry:
- If we would have built cars, in the last years we would have double their speed and size and still lower the price.
- Yeah, but when you had to brake on this car, a message would have appeared on the windscreen:
"Are you sure you want to break?"
Also when trying to steer the message would have been:
"bad or no connection between the car and the steering wheel. Press any pedal to continue"
***
An addicted PC gamer dies and St Peter sends him in hell. After a day, He receives a phone call from down under:
- Hey, who's the crazy guy you sent here yesterday? He released all the sinners, killed all the devils and now he shouts: "How do I get to Level 2 !?"
***
Why did the Microsoft name the computer "Pentium" and not 586?
'Cause they discovered that, using the new processor, the result of 486 + 100 was not 586, but 585.997436825326 and that didn't fit on the computer's label.
***
The difference between a blonde and a 286?
286 still had some memory
***
An helicopter is in the middle of a storm and the pilot tries to find his way to the heliport. Completely disoriented, he seeks help at the modern computer of the helicopter. He types the question: "Where am I?" and waits for the answer. After a few minutes, the computer answers:
"You're in a helicopter"
***
A man who had a head ache goes to the doctor. The doctor told him he has a new super computer for diagnosis and asked him for an urine sample. The man wanted to try the computer's skills and mixed in the bottle some of his urine, his wife's and his teenage daughter's. He gave the bottle to the doctor without telling him anything about the mix.
The next day, the result was ready:
- your wife is pregnant, but not with you;
- your daughter is also pregnant;
- nothing wrong with you, but at least now you know why your head aches.
***
The officers use a modern computer to establish the strategy of the battle. They type a question:
"Should we attack or should we retreat?"
After a while and some blinking LED's, the computer answers:
"Yes!"
The officers ask:
"Yes what?"
The computer:
"Yes Sir!"
***
A super computer is tested during a press conference.
The reporters are invited to ask questions. One of them asks:
- What is my father doing now?
- He's fishing, the computer replies.
- Impossible, my father died three years ago.
The computer engineers asked the reporter to set the question more clear. He reformulates:
- What is my father, my mother's husband doing now?
The computer replies:
- Your mother's husband died three years ago. As for your father, you were already informed, he's fishing now.
***
Two pc addicted users:
- Please lend me 500$
- OK, but let's make it round: here you have 512.
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lndcrz47
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since June 2007
Posts: 153
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Post by lndcrz47 on Jun 14, 2007 1:07:29 GMT -5
meaning no disrespect A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" E,  |
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Post by Jack ( Yorkshire) on Jul 4, 2007 2:50:42 GMT -5
Hi , How about this one, A good Blond joke A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blond returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return? Jack Yorkshire UK |
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lndcrz47
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since June 2007
Posts: 153
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Post by lndcrz47 on Jul 8, 2007 17:07:33 GMT -5
Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two
are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill
it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
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Post by Jack ( Yorkshire) on Jul 11, 2007 2:35:14 GMT -5
Hi ,
A policeman stops a car with 4 old ladys in it for crawling along the M25 (London Ring road) " Madam why are you driving so slow ? well officer it says M25 so we are only driving 25 mph
So the officer explains that on a motorway you are supposed to drive at 70mph,
As he was leaving he noticed the other two ladies in the back of the car were deadly white, so he asked if they were OK, "Yes says the old lady they are just getting over our drive along the M127 !!!"
Jack
Yorkshire UK
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Post by rockds on Jul 25, 2007 0:18:17 GMT -5
So I'm driving to work this morning and I hit the car in front of me. This, what I thought was a child, gets out of the car in front of me. I quickly realized he was a little person. Anyway, he hops out of his car and says, "I'm not Happy." So I said, "If your not Happy, which one are you?"
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lndcrz47
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since June 2007
Posts: 153
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Post by lndcrz47 on Jul 25, 2007 0:33:10 GMT -5
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved
And God was pleased .
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a s--t one way or the other.
�
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Post by Lady B on Jul 25, 2007 0:36:33 GMT -5
Don't ya just love cats? And dogs, too. ;D
I've heard this one before but I still get such a good laugh out of it every time I read it again.
Lady B
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lndcrz47
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since June 2007
Posts: 153
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Post by lndcrz47 on Jul 25, 2007 1:40:45 GMT -5
Love your signature
And Mother Earth spoke to me about her children and Lo! there were the rocks and minerals, the geodes and thundereggs, the crystals and agates. And I clasped them close to my heart. And Mother Earth smiled and welcomed me into her family. And I played with all the children in joy and peace forever as we all tumbled about.
way cool,thanks E
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Post by sandsman1 on Aug 9, 2007 20:01:31 GMT -5
Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these
Days!
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes! I am.
But let me ask you
Something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me
If I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German brat wurst, would you
Ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me
If I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would you?
Would you?"!
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if
I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did you
Ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish
Sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." hahahahaha too dam funny
.
.
..
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Aug 16, 2007 12:42:20 GMT -5
LMAO- good one-
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Post by Lady B on Sept 3, 2007 19:56:31 GMT -5
Two Chimps and a Blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you
doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
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earthdog
Cave Dweller
Don't eat yellow snow
Member since June 2006
Posts: 2,731
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Post by earthdog on Sept 9, 2007 22:01:24 GMT -5
The "F" Word
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,
my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
and a drum roll please............!
1. "Geez, I didn't think
they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein
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