karenfh
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since November 2006
Posts: 1,495
|
Post by karenfh on Sept 13, 2007 21:28:34 GMT -5
I'm sorry, I thought this was hilarious. As a well endowed woman, who would have chosen the same option, or a variation, as woman #3, I had to laugh. (Only I would not have put the remainder in a joint account, haha!)
Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having
trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He
gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to
a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up
and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves
him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man
gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she
has spent all the money on him because she loves him
so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock
market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives
him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what
each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
|
|
stefan
Cave Dweller 
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
|
Post by stefan on Sept 17, 2007 12:29:31 GMT -5
OK this was an old Eddie Murphy one:
A Bear and a Rabbit are take a dump in the woods- the bear leans over to the rabbit and asks the rabbit if he has a problem with poop sticking to his fur? The rabbit tells the bear No so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his but with him!
|
|
textiger
freely admits to licking rocks
Member since May 2005
Posts: 946
|
Post by textiger on Sept 19, 2007 12:49:38 GMT -5
Jeez, Stefan. I just snarked my milk through my nose here in the office.
matt
|
|
stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
|
Post by stefan on Sept 20, 2007 12:27:00 GMT -5
yea now imagine Eddie Murphy telling it!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Sept 23, 2007 15:05:40 GMT -5
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do
you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this shit but me
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Sept 23, 2007 15:25:38 GMT -5
A Blonde's Year in Review.
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....
box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car flooded because convertible top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Sept 26, 2007 16:28:51 GMT -5
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way
too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door,the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would
probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when
totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
(MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh. shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat,cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Sept 30, 2007 9:01:58 GMT -5
These items were on a list presented by Stan Toler at a recent seminar
at our church:
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members
knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two
women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer
season is
recognized as an official church holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ
set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a
#2 galvanized washtub.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hubcaps from a '56 Chevrolet.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you
are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear".
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Sept 30, 2007 11:20:35 GMT -5
>INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE > > > > > >There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone". > >So named because he had only one testicle. > >He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. > > > >After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, > >"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" > > > >The word got around and nobody called him that any more. > > > >Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good > >morning, Onestone." > > > >He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he > >made love to her all day and all night. > >He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from > >exhaustion. > > >The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. > >Years went by and no onedared call him by his given name until > >a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for > >many years. > > >Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw > >Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." > > >Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love > >to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next > >day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! > > > >What is the moral of this story?  ?............................ > > > >OH, come on...take a guess! > > > >Think about it > > > >(You're going to love this!) > > > >And the moral is... > > > > > >You can't kill two birds with one stone!! |
|
adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
|
Post by adrian65 on Sept 30, 2007 11:33:31 GMT -5
Hey, Sandsman, what about the "1" in your nickname? ;D
Adrian
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Sept 30, 2007 12:37:16 GMT -5
i dont have that prob all the guys i usta hang out wit allways said sandman you got alotta balls hahahaha
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Oct 16, 2007 20:48:39 GMT -5
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion
into a gas station in a remote outpost
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"How's she cuttin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello"and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Oct 16, 2007 20:50:56 GMT -5
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!''
"That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'F #ck', the rottweiler ate him!
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Oct 16, 2007 20:53:34 GMT -5
this is not ment as a statement just a funny haha
> >
> >
> > Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
> > > surgeries they had performed.
> > >One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
> > case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I
reattached
> >them,
> > and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
> >England
> > >>
> > >
> > >"The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm
and
> > > both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
won
> >a
> > Gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
> > >
> > >>
> > >"The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
> > > woman was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train
> > traveling at 80 miles an hour. All I had left
> > >to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was
> > Able to put them together and now she's running for President."
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Oct 16, 2007 20:55:36 GMT -5
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his
> >>>> bed.
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38
revolver
> >>>> so
> >>>> you always remember me.'
> >>>>
> >>>> 'But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me
> >>>> your
> >>>> Rolex watch instead?'
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.
> >>>>
> >>>> You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and
> >>>> maybe
> >>>> a couple a bambinos.
> >>>>
> >>>> Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed
> >>>> with
> >>>> another man.
> >>>>
> >>>> Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Timesa
> >>>> up'?
> >>>
> >>> _________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Oct 18, 2007 18:00:50 GMT -5
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Away, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head!"
|
|
|
|
Post by cpdad on Oct 18, 2007 20:12:40 GMT -5
thats sick ;D...hahahahahahaha...kev.
|
|
stonesnbones
spending too much on rocks
Member since September 2007
Posts: 255
|
Post by stonesnbones on Oct 19, 2007 16:10:42 GMT -5
LOL ;D  Keep them comings Sandsman. |
|
themax
having dreams about rocks
Member since April 2005
Posts: 61 
|
Post by themax on Oct 24, 2007 14:15:42 GMT -5
A man is walking through the airport and sees one of the scales that tells you your weight and your fortune. He deposits his coin, steps on the scale and reads his receipt "You weigh 185 pounds and when you step off this scale you will pass gas."
He doesn't give it a second thought, steps off the scale and sure enough rips one off.
After he recovers from his embarrasment he decides it was just coincidence and decides to see if he can get a better fortune. He deposits his coin, steps on the scale and reads his receipt, "You weigh 185 pounds and when you step off this scale you will pass gas." He thinks about it a minute and realizes he doesn't need to pass gas and doesn't feel like he could even if he needed to. So he steps off and once again out rips a rather loud one.
Now he is beyond embarrassed and thinking that it's beyond coincidence and knows it couldn't possibly happen a third time so he decides to try one last time. He deposits his coin, steps on the scale and then reads the slip "You weigh 185 pounds and now you've farted around and missed your flight!"
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Oct 25, 2007 1:46:06 GMT -5
Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh -- out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
|
|
?............................
Keep them comings Sandsman.
