stonesnbones
spending too much on rocks
Member since September 2007
Posts: 255
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Post by stonesnbones on Oct 30, 2007 16:21:02 GMT -5
Given the season I'll dust this one off,
If the wolfman was in the military,what branch would he serve in?
The Hair Force.
insert groan here____________
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Post by larrywyland3 on Nov 5, 2007 9:59:32 GMT -5
Got this one in an email. Bon apatite ;D
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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Sparky
starting to spend too much on rocks
Still diggin'...
Member since October 2007
Posts: 147
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Post by Sparky on Nov 13, 2007 16:09:35 GMT -5
Here's one that made me laugh till I cried. lol Sorry, but it has some adult language...
Must have an imagination. It will work without one, but the mental pictures are the best.
>>
>>
>>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
>>If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>>
>>
>>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>>
>>
>>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>>
>>
>>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>>Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>Judge # 3 - (Frank) -Holy Shit! What the hell is this stuff?! You could
>>remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
>>the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
>>Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>>Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>>when they saw the look on my face.
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>>Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>>Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>Judge # 3 - Call the EPA! I've located a Uranium spill! My nose feels like
>>I have been snorting Drano! Everyone knows the routine by now.
>>Get me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid Sally pounded me so hard on the back, now my
>>backbone is in the front part of my chest! I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>>Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not >>much of a chili.
>>Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it >>possible to burn out taste buds? Sally the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. >>That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an >>aphrodisiac?
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>>Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers, freshly ground, adding
>>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>>and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
>>needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>>pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>>Screw those rednecks!
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>>Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
>>of spices and peppers.
>>Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>>Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>>Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>>about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>>uncontrollably.
>>Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
>>I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen
>>anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>
>>
>>CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>>Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
>>
>>Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over
>>and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Sally won't stop pouring beer on him.
>>Maybe we should call an ambulance. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller,
>>wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>>Judge # 3 - No Report
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 16, 2007 21:36:25 GMT -5
hahahaha good one
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work in a week."
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Post by parfive on Nov 17, 2007 2:07:46 GMT -5
GIVING UP WINE??? I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."  |
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 12, 2007 20:47:07 GMT -5
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time.
When the teenager finally had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response; knowing he
would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Post by LCARS on Dec 13, 2007 0:37:21 GMT -5
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adrian65
Cave Dweller 
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Dec 13, 2007 15:02:52 GMT -5
Thanks Sands, this one is to remember! ;D
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 13, 2007 19:23:57 GMT -5
sams funeral
Sam died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Sue, turned to her oldest friend and said, 'Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Joanne, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, 'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sue. 'Thirty thousand.'
'No!' Joanne exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?'
Sue replied, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Joanne computed quickly. '$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? , My word how big is it?
Sue replied.....'Two and a half carats.'
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 13, 2007 19:38:58 GMT -5
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
>
> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I
> selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
> A carton of eggs
> A quart of orange juice
> A head of lettuce
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
> A 1 lb. package of bacon
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
> check out, a drunk
> standing behind me watched as I placed the items in
> front of the cashier.
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
> drunk calmly stated,
> 'You must be single.'
>
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
> intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
> looked at the six items
> on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
> my selections that
> could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.Â
>
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you
> know what, you're
> absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
>
>
> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
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darrad
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since September 2006
Posts: 1,636
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Post by darrad on Dec 14, 2007 22:18:54 GMT -5
Two aliens out in space were looking down on our planet. The first alien said "It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite-based weapons"
The second alien asked "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
"I don't think so" the first responded. "They have the weapons aimed at themselves"
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adrian65
Cave Dweller
Arch to golden memories and to great friends.
Member since February 2007
Posts: 10,790
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Post by adrian65 on Dec 19, 2007 3:19:12 GMT -5
A litle girl is talking to mom:
- Mom, why is dady so bald?
- Because he's got lot of brain in his head - responds mother
- And why do you have so much hair?
- Just keep eating and shut up!
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deanf
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since January 2007
Posts: 109
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Post by deanf on Dec 20, 2007 11:07:30 GMT -5
You Might Be Taliban If:
...You refine heroin for a living but have a moral objection to beer.
...You own a $300 assault rifle and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
...You have more wives than teeth.
...You think vests only come in two styles: Bullet-Proof and Suicide.
...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.
...You've used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.
...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry live ammunition in your robe.
...You've ever been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look fat?'
...You believe the Quran is the divine word of Allah, worth dying for, but yet you don't know how to read.
...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
...You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave'.
...You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean'.
...You've ever said, 'I'd Walk a Mile for a Camel' and you don't smoke.
...You get excited over T&A, only to you it means 'Toes and Ankles'.
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Sparky
starting to spend too much on rocks
Still diggin'...
Member since October 2007
Posts: 147
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Post by Sparky on Dec 20, 2007 14:53:41 GMT -5
SAD NEWS...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the
belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled
high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as
a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly
in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He
was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he
still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model
for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 23, 2007 15:10:14 GMT -5
Red is Positive
T. Bubba Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland , TX , was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one Texas GI's life,
then I have just two things to say':
'Red is positive'
'Black is negative'
IM WIT THIS GUY ---SANDS
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mike4bears
spending too much on rocks
Member since December 2007
Posts: 275
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Post by mike4bears on Jan 6, 2008 22:35:51 GMT -5
Adney
Subject: The Clever Poodle
Ah...one of my favorite quotes..."Old age & treachery will beat out youth & vigor every time." unknown (to me)
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 26, 2008 15:47:27 GMT -5
LIMITED DISTRIBUTION-RATED-R
Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!
A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly,the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am,why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
Now stop laughing and send it to your friends.
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 28, 2008 21:55:24 GMT -5
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bs with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 28, 2008 23:30:24 GMT -5
Subject: Fwd: Fw: The love story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were patients in a
mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He immediately sank
to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the hospital administrator became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When the administrator went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have
good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis situation by jumping in the pool
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.I am so sorry, but he's
dead."
Edna replied, "Ralph didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I
go home?"
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 30, 2008 19:35:10 GMT -5
Subject: Republicans and Democrats
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He
was cruising around the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the
edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush"
T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from
the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44
magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured
Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions" he told them "I heard there was a bitter hatred
between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all
wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear
hunting! By the way, how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"
HEY you guys know these jokes are just that --jokes-- im not rep or dem i just think there funny
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