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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 25, 2008 13:31:37 GMT -5
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asked her students the following
question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude
and impolite."
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to
the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted ...
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thespleen
off to a rocking start
Member since February 2006
Posts: 14
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Post by thespleen on Mar 17, 2008 17:49:04 GMT -5
A rope walks into a bar and order a beer. The bartender says, "We don't server your kind in here." The rope goes outside, tangles himself up, messess up his hair, and heads back in to try again. The bartender asks, "Aren't you the rope that was just in here?" He responds, "I'm afraid not"
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Post by bobby1 on Mar 17, 2008 19:38:17 GMT -5
Two aliens land on the hood of a car that is parked on lover's point. One looks in the windshield and says in horror "OH NO! we don't want to invade this planet! they're cannibals!"
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Post by parfive on Mar 27, 2008 22:47:12 GMT -5
Bush goes to Hell...
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the
Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil.
"You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three
people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a
large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over
and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 28, 2008 1:42:58 GMT -5
hahaha good one never saw it commin hahaha
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Zoran
freely admits to licking rocks
Member since September 2005
Posts: 880
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Post by Zoran on Mar 28, 2008 3:04:28 GMT -5
;D ;D good one
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Post by parfive on Mar 31, 2008 21:54:35 GMT -5
New Iraq war plan!!! The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. |
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 1, 2008 17:10:39 GMT -5
hahaha taste like chickin ---good one
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 1, 2008 17:11:15 GMT -5
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to
the Mother Ship
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done. Your turn!!
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 1, 2008 17:16:04 GMT -5
When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the
entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her
if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 2, 2008 12:18:51 GMT -5
100Lbs of Dynamite
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
Scroll down.......
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The blonde replies: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
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Post by takilasunrise on Apr 4, 2008 8:16:23 GMT -5
Why Indians Don't Use Saddles
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
Her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
Nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
Let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the
Surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
Yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h- a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
Service-station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered.' I merely sat behind him on the
Horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to the saddle horn so I
Wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'
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Post by parfive on Apr 8, 2008 21:56:36 GMT -5
ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
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lsmike
spending too much on rocks
Maxwell's demon lowers tumbling entropy
Member since January 2007
Posts: 468
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Post by lsmike on Apr 14, 2008 7:51:56 GMT -5
This joke is a little mean.You can substitute your own favorite group.
Q. Why was the wheelbarrow God's greatest gift to the Irishmen?
A.It forced them to walk upright.Mike.
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 14, 2008 17:15:37 GMT -5
good italian joke parfive hahaha -- i dont know i dont see many anymore when i was young i remember always herein them from somebody but i did grow up in and all italian neighborhood wish somebody would come up with a few new ones haha -- i never herd that one befor so thats a start hahaha --- come on who holdin back the dago jokes lets here um
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 14, 2008 19:15:01 GMT -5
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 15, 2008 19:43:43 GMT -5
I'll bet Dave Letterman gets 'flak' from the NAACP. Al
Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR
drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............
#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.
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wm7734
spending too much on rocks
wheres my rockhammer ?
Member since January 2007
Posts: 252
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Post by wm7734 on Apr 18, 2008 0:45:00 GMT -5
to true,,,,,but rember this,,,the engine revvs drown out the sound of sub woofers,REALLY ticks em off
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 18, 2008 18:53:46 GMT -5
Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities
are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in al phabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 23, 2008 13:26:07 GMT -5
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a black leather bra, stiletto's and a mask over
their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He
saw me and said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we
made love all night long.
The mistress: 'Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office
and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes
and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say
anything.....but we had wild sex all night.'
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers
for the night, I got myself r eady-- leather bodice, super stilttos and
mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and
says:
'Hey, Batman! What's for dinner?'
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