Joke thread !

> #2 Pencil and Little Suzie
>
> *************************
>
>
>
> YOU WILL LAUGH OUT LOUD!! AND THEN YOU WILL
> FORWARD
> TO EVERYONE WITH THAT BIG OLE' SMILE
> ON YOUR FACE!!
>
> The value of a
> Catholic education and a #2 pencil
>
> Little Susie was not the best student
> in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the
> class.
>
> One day
> her teacher, a Nun, called on her while sh e was
> sleeping.
>
>
> 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
>
> When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was
> her friend sitting
> behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the
> rear.
>
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
>
>
>
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued
> teaching her class.
>
> A
> little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our
> Lord and Savior?'
>
>
>
> But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once
> again, Johnny came to
> her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
>
>
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
>
>
>
> And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,'
> and Susie fell back
> asleep.
>
> The Nu n asked her a third question...'What did
> Eve say to
> Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
>
>
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie
> jumped up and
> shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me
> one more time, I'll
> break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted...........

Funds Needed


Te he he he



Dear Friends and Relatives:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000.00 for a monument of Hillary Clinton's heroic stand under Bosnian sniper fire.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall Of Fame. We are having a bit of difficulty as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson & Barak Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all.

He left not knowing where he was going, when he got there, or where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,

Hillary Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

P.P.S And another thing.. Now let me get this straight. Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

God Bless America!

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

The Drunk and The Blonde....Duh




A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'




'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......











A LICKER LICENSE!

Who Says That Cops Don't Have a Sense of Humor?
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

BIKER STORY Receives New
York Times Best
















A biker is
riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's
cage.






Suddenly, the
lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to
slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.






The biker jumps
off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a
powerful punch.






Whimpering from
the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her
to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.






A New York
Times reporter has watched the whole event.






The reporter
addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I
saw a man do in my whole life.'






The biker
replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars.






I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'






The reporter
says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the
New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation
do you have?''






The biker
replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'






The journalist
leaves.






The following
morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of
his actions, and reads, on front page: *







MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS
LUNCH

> A 5 year Old's First Job:
>
> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond  formed between a little
> 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
> that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
>
> A young family moved into a house, next to a  vacant lot.  One day, a
> construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.  The young
> family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and
> spent much
> of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of
> them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project
> mascot.  They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
> little jobs to do here and there to make her feel imp ortant.  At the end of
> the first week, they even  presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
> dollars.  The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that
> she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to
> start a savings account.
>
> When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
> and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
> a young age.  The little girl proudly replied,'I worked last week with a
> real construction crew building the new house next door to us.' 'Oh my
> goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house
> again this week, too?'
>
>
> The little girl replied, 'I will, if those ass-holes at Home Depot ever
> deliver the f- - - in' sheet rock.'
>
> Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

hahahahaha goood one -- man do i remember that haha