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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 3, 2008 17:45:18 GMT -5
GENIE
A man is in his boat fishing when he hears somthing bump the side of the boat. It's an old lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie grants him three wishes but what ever he wishes, his ex-wife gets ten times what he asks for.
The man agrees. His first wish is to be rich. The genie tells the mans that his ex will be ten times richer than he. Ok says the man. POOF it is done.
His next wish is for a brand new boat with the most beautiful woman to be his full time guide. The genie warns him that the ex's boat will be 10 times larger and her guide will be 10 x's more handsome. The man agrees and it is done.
The genie tells the man he has one more wish! The man clears his throat and says Give me a MILD heart attack !!!!!!!!!
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 4, 2008 21:14:39 GMT -5
Subject: BODY INFO... F.Y.I.
Body Info... F. Y. I.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 7, 2008 9:40:44 GMT -5
> > A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
> > expensive,
> >
> > expertly tailored black suit.
> >
> >
> >
> > The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
> > the
> >
> > body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
> > suit he
> >
> > is already wearing.
> >
> >
> >
> > The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
> > best
> >
> > in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde
> >
> > mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
> > have my
> >
> > husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> >
> >
> >
> > The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
> > her
> >
> > husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
> > suit
> >
> > fits him perfectly.
> >
> >
> >
> > She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
> > did
> >
> > an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
> >
> > astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'There's no charge,' she says.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
> >
> > suit!' she says.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
> >
> > gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
> > left
> >
> > yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
> > she
> >
> > minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
> > it
> >
> > made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'So I just switched the heads.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
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Post by parfive on Sept 10, 2008 23:28:30 GMT -5
A Sunny Summer Day, Aug. 2009
One sunny day in the summer of 2009 an old man approached the north gate of the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a bench. He spoke to the uniformed Secret Service officer standing guard, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The guard looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man replied, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same officer, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The guard again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same uniformed officer, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The guard, somewhat agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the officer and with a wry smile said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The guard snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "See you tomorrow!"
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 11, 2008 2:05:56 GMT -5
hahaha good one never seen it commin
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 15, 2008 23:29:12 GMT -5
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish were married, or
wish weren'tmarried, this is something to smile about the next time
you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything
she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on
the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."
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Post by parfive on Sept 19, 2008 15:58:25 GMT -5
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', said the little old lady. 'You see , my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.'
'Well, that seems only fair' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays'
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 25, 2008 8:37:44 GMT -5
MEXICAN HURRICANE
>>> A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over
>>> a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government
>>> doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
>>> The rest of the world is in shock.
>>> Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the
>>> riots.
>>> Saudi Arabia is
>>> sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
>>> The European
>>> community (except France) is sending food and money.
>>> The United
>>> States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace
>>> the dead ones.
>>> God
>>> bless America!!!!
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 27, 2008 11:17:35 GMT -5
> Polish divorceA Polish man moved to the USA and married an
> American girl.Although his English was far from perfect,
> they got along very welluntil one day he rushed into a
> lawyer's office and asked him if he couldarrange a
> divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would
> depend on theCircumstances, and asked him the following
> questions:L: Have you any grounds?P: Yes, an acre and half
> and nice little home.L: No, I mean what is the foundation of
> this case?P: It made of concrete.L: I don't think you
> understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?P: No, we
> have carport, and not need one.L: I mean. What are your
> relations like?P: All my relations still in PolandL: Is
> there any infidelity in your marriage?P: We have hi-fidelity
> stereo and good DVD player.L: Does your wife beat you up?P:
> No, I always up before her.L: Is your wife a nagger?P: No,
> she white.L: Why do you want this divorce?P: She going to
> kill me.L: What makes you think that?P: I got proof.L: What
> kind of proof?P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at
> drugstore and put onshelf in bathroom. I can read, and it
> say:'Polish Remover'
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 27, 2008 17:34:31 GMT -5
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour When this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, Gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing Stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important Meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't Have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found My wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to My life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 30, 2008 14:15:37 GMT -5
Subject: The Commandant and The Fancy Lady The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old Field Marine.' He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hallwearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. Hewould go through the chow line just like a private. In this way, he wasassured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted manreceived. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity'. Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of'formal' entertaining Fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General wouldrather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats' around a fighting holewith a bunch of young' hard charging' Marines. But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability. During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from'Eighth and Eye' (The Marine Barracks are located at 8th and I Streets inWashington , D.C. , home of the Silent Drill Team). They were detailed toassume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held. At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested,blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the roomoffering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dressblues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved withadmiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victoryin Kuwait. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near himand asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?' The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied,'I don't eat thatshit, Ma'am.' Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest'. Hisgaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. Thefancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, hermouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubtwhat she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, 'w-w-What did you say?' The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention'(like the arm of amousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, 'I don't eat that shit,Ma'am.'; and just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest he went. This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensedand felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking thetime to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station inlife), and he had the nerve to say that; TO HER! She exclaimed, 'Well! Inever...!' The lady remembered that she had met the military man in chargeof all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenchedbetween his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his lefthand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So the bluehaired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted. 'General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do youknow what he told me?' General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar outof his mouth and said, 'Well, no Ma'am, I don't.' The lady took in a deepbreath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body languageher considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadencewith her words, and she paused between each word for effect, 'He said, 'I -don't - eat - that -shit - Ma'am'!' The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them chokedback chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected.The next thought that most of them had was, 'Oh! God, I hope it wasn't oneof MY Marines!' and the color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled hisbrow, cut his eyes in the direction of his lieutenants, put his free hand tohis chin and muttered a subdued, 'Hummmn? Which one did you say it was Maam?,' the General asked. 'That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General,' thewoman said, with smug satisfaction while pointing out,'the offender'. Oneof the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, brow stillwrinkled, canteen of Bourbon in his hand, and looked up. His expressionchanged to one indicating he had made a decision! Looking the fancy lady right in the eyes he said, Well, Fook him! Don'tgive him any!!' Semper Fi...
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Post by sandsman1 on Sept 30, 2008 14:51:46 GMT -5
Are you a Republican, Democrat or Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following situation and question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!'
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Post by Woodyrock on Oct 2, 2008 23:06:33 GMT -5
Well, I quess my neck is made out of red leather, semper fi sandsman.
Woody
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 6, 2008 18:47:43 GMT -5
The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, knew that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. But, wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch--knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate the old Guys.
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Post by sitnwrap on Oct 7, 2008 16:14:28 GMT -5
The First Kiss: It's your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind Is it the right time?; Is anyone watching; Does your partner even want to??; Is your breath fresh?; AND, Should you add yourtongue?; Then you say .. 'What the heck!' ... and just go for it!!!!;  This must be a 2nd or 3rd child because Mom grabbed the camera and not the kid! |
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Oct 10, 2008 15:08:32 GMT -5
LOL
Tonja
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 10, 2008 22:20:51 GMT -5
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filedrape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 11, 2008 18:59:53 GMT -5
how to tell your banks in trouble
The members of the board of directors have changed—from local citizens
to three from Zaire, two from the United Arab Emirates and one from skid
row downtown.
The bank president turned in his Lexus for a Humvee.
They keep giving you change in shekels.
They used to give you a free toaster when you started an account. Now
they give you Publisher's Clearing House contest entry forms.
The friendly old security guard at the door has been replaced by Rambo.
You pass through airport-type of screening devices when you go in or out
the door.
The electric meter reader went down to the vault area and he has not
been seen from since they put a tiger down there.
All of the teller positions have been outsourced online to India.
The branches that have closed permanently refer you to another branch
that has closed permanently.
You see Ben Bernacke, Henry Paulson and Martha Stewart closing their
accounts.
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 14, 2008 14:13:06 GMT -5
Black hurricanes....
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquea l, and Jamal. I am NOT makng this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'l anguage' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand
I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 16, 2008 21:43:07 GMT -5
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . .
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
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