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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 20, 2008 21:57:21 GMT -5
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
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Post by parfive on Oct 25, 2008 13:09:36 GMT -5
Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
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Tigger
freely admits to licking rocks
The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers is I'm the Only One!
Member since January 2008
Posts: 896
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Post by Tigger on Oct 28, 2008 16:43:10 GMT -5
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said 'How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way.'
The doctor told him, 'I' ll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.'
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together ...an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room, the new wife shyly opened her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.
She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
He immediately drops his pants and replies,......'Look at this, still in the CRATE!'
Hehe
Tigger
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Oct 28, 2008 19:23:24 GMT -5
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to soft boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all. Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 28, 2008 19:42:45 GMT -5
still in the CRATE hahahaha too dam funny
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 28, 2008 19:55:33 GMT -5
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 28, 2008 20:21:17 GMT -5
Hurricane Survival Kit Toilet Paper....................................................... check Bud Light........................................................... check Keystone Ice..................................................... check Budweiser....................................................... check Red Dog............................................................ check Misc. other bottles of alcohol.............................. check Piece of PLYWOOD-to float your old lady and booze on....check Scroll down  |
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 28, 2008 20:24:28 GMT -5
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this .
I'm an idiot and I needed company ... I knew I could count on you!
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Oct 29, 2008 11:14:32 GMT -5
Steven woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?
Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window
and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and,
squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This
was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a
post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red,
with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast
is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the
morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today,
hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you,
darling! '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at
the table, eating.
Steven, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous
night.
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting
for me?'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you
slapper, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS'
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 30, 2008 19:47:40 GMT -5
Whether Conservative,Liberal or Labour,
I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Joe!
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Nov 1, 2008 17:20:31 GMT -5
How true. Hahaha
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 4, 2008 23:15:02 GMT -5
Courtesy of my brother STREETWISE over at the Minority Report www.theminorityreportblog.com/blog_entry/st... Barack Obama's Election Day Hotline Telephone Message WELCOME TO THE BARACK OBAMA ELECTION DAY HOTLINE Your call is important to us, so please listen to our menu options, as they have changed If you are a deceased voter, press 1 if you are an illegal alien voter, press 2 If you are not voting at your legal residence, press 3 If you have pressed 3, also press 4 for reimbursement of travel expenses If you’re an Acorn representative requesting a cash outlay, press 5 If you’re a foreign citizen who wants to make a contribution, press 6 You will be connected with our international credit processor hot line, which is so secure WE don’t even know who’s giving for college tuition assistance linked to your vote, press 7 if you are in spiritual distress, press 8 for the Rev Wright prayer line. if Bill Ayers is on your property, hang up and dial 911 PRESS * TO REPEAT THESE MENU OPTIONS THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE BARACK OBAMA ELECTION DAY HOTLINE WE CREATE HOPE WITH YOUR CHANGE |
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 6, 2008 14:03:57 GMT -5
Sick
Leave
I urgently
needed a few days off work,
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me
to take leave.
I thought that
maybe if I acted 'Crazy'
Then he would tell me to take a few days
off.
So, I hung
upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that
I was pretending to be a light bulb,
So that the
Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few
minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in
the name of good GOD are you doing? '
I told him I was a light
bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and
recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of
the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
asked her,
'. .And where do you think you're
going?!'
(You're gonna love
this....)
She said, 'I'm
going home too. I can't work in the dark.
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Post by krazydiamond on Nov 12, 2008 17:00:09 GMT -5
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Post by Woodyrock on Nov 14, 2008 3:21:05 GMT -5
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gesturs alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full, and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no." he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I am afraid I can not." breathe the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" he replies.
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth, and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"
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grayfingers
Cave Dweller 
Member since November 2007
Posts: 4,575 
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Post by grayfingers on Nov 16, 2008 13:33:26 GMT -5
Have you heard about the Dyslexic Agnostic that lays awake at night,
Wondering if there is a Dog?
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 17, 2008 20:15:45 GMT -5
**Investment Tips for 2009**
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
BUCKS!*
Watch for these consolidations in 2008:*
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram20Records, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell will become: Fairwell, Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8... Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Wom en will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ..
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith/Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang OH, YOU* KNOW* YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE!
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darrad
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since September 2006
Posts: 1,636
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Post by darrad on Nov 17, 2008 20:29:14 GMT -5
"Titty Titty Bang Bang" now that is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 30, 2008 16:32:07 GMT -5
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY!
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Post by cpdad on Dec 1, 2008 22:18:17 GMT -5
aint never posted a video before...it may work or not ;D....but i thought it was funny none the less...its clean...momma friendly if it works....it gets better as it goes ;D....kev  |
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