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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 3, 2008 13:45:14 GMT -5
haha that ladys dam funny
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 11, 2008 19:06:30 GMT -5
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
> is.
> They think so logically.
>
>
> A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
> Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
> building
> Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with
> the
> Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
> that
> Straw to build my house?'
>
> The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man
> said?'
>
> One little boy Johnny raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think
> the
> Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
>
> The teacher had to leave the room.
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Post by fishenman on Dec 13, 2008 23:34:16 GMT -5
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband chasing flies around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh, have you killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."  |
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 20, 2008 18:05:20 GMT -5
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 20, 2008 23:49:30 GMT -5
Jailhouse Blues...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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Post by parfive on Dec 23, 2008 0:33:39 GMT -5
Sometimes it pays to be old
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It wasn't locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.'
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money--fifty thousand dollars.
Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'
Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'
Sally said, 'No.'
Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'
Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.'
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning'
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . '
The other agent turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
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Post by sandsman1 on Dec 26, 2008 10:51:57 GMT -5
A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all
your friends are envious and jealous because I will
be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 3, 2009 14:43:43 GMT -5
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very
hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has
been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran ,
Ruled by Nuts.
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 19, 2009 13:00:04 GMT -5
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS; YOU'LL FEEL BETTER!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you 'ain't seen nuthin' yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command 'Press Any Key' to 'PressReturn Key' because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the 'Send' key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was 'Bad and an invalid.' The tech explained that the computer's 'bad command' and 'invalid' responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it 'couldn't find printer.' The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't 'see' the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, 'I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.' The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for
support. 'I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...' The user hadn't realized that 'Insert Disk 2' implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp: CALLER: 'Hello, is this Tech Support?' TECH: 'Yes, it is. How may I help you?' CALLER: 'The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?' TECH: 'I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?' CALLER: 'Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.' TECH: 'Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?'CALLER: 'It came with my computer. I don't know
anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.' At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was 'running it under windows.' The woman responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a indow and his printer is working fine.'
12. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: 'O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' CUSTOMER: 'I don't have a 'P''. TECH SUPPORT: 'On your keyboard, Bob.' CUSTOMER: 'What do you mean?' TECH SUPPORT: ' 'P' on your keyboard, Bob.' CUSTOMER: 'I'm not going to do that!'
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 20, 2009 17:00:45 GMT -5
Fence Repair @ the White House
Three
contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at The White House in D.C.
One
from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida . They go with a White
House Official
to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape
measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring
and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for
materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit
for
me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure,
but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The
official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New
Jersey contractor whispers back,
"$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies
the government official.
And that, my friends, is how it all works!
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Post by mohs on Jan 21, 2009 23:25:55 GMT -5
I went to the doc the other day
He told me to take sand baths.
"Doc," I say, "will that help my condition?"
"No," he replied, "but it will get you use to being underground."
:help:
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Post by kap on Feb 11, 2009 13:40:47 GMT -5
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my dogs, I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had a Elephant? Since I had little else to do on impulse I told her that no I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works was to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat a couple every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again( everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now). Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me! WalMart won't let me shop there anymore  |
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SteveHolmes
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since July 2009
Posts: 1,900
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Post by SteveHolmes on Feb 16, 2009 19:09:27 GMT -5
A woman goes to her boyfriend's
parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous
about meeting the family. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness
and the broccoli casserole they were eating. Her gas pains are almost making
her eyes water they hurt so bad. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a small dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,
and said in a rather stern voice, '"Damnit Skippy!".
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer
rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 17, 2009 0:12:22 GMT -5
hahahahahaha
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 18, 2009 21:24:29 GMT -5
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
I f you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
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Post by mohs on Feb 20, 2009 1:09:36 GMT -5
An old man is on his his death bed
In the room with him is his wife and 3 sons.
The oldest son is successful with a fine family..
the 2nd son is a high ranking military officer
and the 3rd son is the black sheep, lost soul, rocker!
The old man whispers in his wife ear
"Tell me the truth. Is the 3rd son really mine?"
"Yes dear," the wife reply's "he really is yours"
With that the old man expires.
And the wife thinks:
I'm glad he didn't ask about the other two...
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Post by sandsman1 on Feb 20, 2009 23:31:19 GMT -5
hahaha good one -- im still laughin about skippy
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Post by mohs on Feb 20, 2009 23:55:11 GMT -5
this isn't a joke but its pretty funny I farted at a red light  and the blond in convertible next to me started scrunch'n her face  and waving her hands by her nose |
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SteveHolmes
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since July 2009
Posts: 1,900
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Post by SteveHolmes on Feb 21, 2009 0:18:50 GMT -5
Glad you LIKED it SANDS! I laughed out loud when I read it!
Steve
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 4, 2009 3:44:05 GMT -5
>
> A new supermarket opened near my house on the rez. It has an automatic
> water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
> sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
> When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
> scent of fresh mown hay.
>
> In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
> onions.
> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
> is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
> The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
> cookies.
> I don't buy toilet paper there any more
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Nov 15, 2024 17:44:51 GMT -5
Nov 15, 2024 17:44:51 GMT -5
