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Post by snowdog on Mar 4, 2009 18:13:57 GMT -5
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they
could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me..'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this..)
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 5, 2009 20:08:15 GMT -5
There are times when men should just lighten up and let the women we know enjoy a nice quiet poem such as this one.
A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do!
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Post by kap on Mar 5, 2009 20:43:55 GMT -5
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks in to
a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he
comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You
know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you
bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in
Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer
for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks
the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist
Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Post by Hard Rock Cafe on Mar 6, 2009 15:46:00 GMT -5
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarass , Minnesota , Ole Olson, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.
Who said Minnesotans are hicks?
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Post by mohs on Mar 11, 2009 15:50:28 GMT -5
The grandma letter reminded me of this classic Two moron have been walking all day They see a car lot.
Cars Cheap...They walk on the lot The salesperson asks how much money they have? Between them they have .89 cents. The sales person irritated yells at them: ‘Ya can’t buy a car for .89 cents’!!! Berated the 2 morons walk away from the lot. Immediately the salesman, feeling callous, calls them back “Listen fellows I have this camel I will sell you for the .89 cents. It’s a real smart camel. It stops on red lights and goes on a green lights”. The 2 happily mount the camel and off they go! Awhile later the 2 poor souls walk back up to the car lot. The salesman comes out and asks: what’s happen to the camel? "Well all was going fine" the morons explain, "we were stopped at this red light and a car pulled up & person yelled out the window 'Hey... look at the 2 assholes on the camel!' When we got off to take a look the camel left."  |
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Post by rockmanken on Mar 21, 2009 13:40:06 GMT -5
Good Chuckle
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side fo the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids.
I just don't get it. 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the parking lot by the Capitol.'
'Same here!'
'Hmm. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door....then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Croc, 'I think I see your problem.'
'You're not getting any nourishment.'
'See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'
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Post by cpdad on Mar 21, 2009 16:22:31 GMT -5
hahahaha...thats funny ;D...kev.
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Post by kap on Mar 25, 2009 15:19:13 GMT -5
> A
> little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
> garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in
> one of the bags, and
> once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the
> pavement.
>
> Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
> "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
> falling out of that bag."
>
> "Damn!" says the little old lady ...
> "I'd better go back and see if
> I can find some of them. Thanks for the
> warning!"
>
> "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
> "How did you get all that
> money? Did you steal it?"
>
> "Oh, no," says the little old lady.
> "You see, my back yard backs up
> to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
> there's a game, a
> lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
> flower beds! So, I
> go and stand behind the
> bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
> someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell:
> "'$20 or off it comes!'"
>
> "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
> "Good luck! By the way,
> what's in the other
> bag?"
>
>
> "Well," says the little old lady, "not all
> of them
> pay."
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Post by mohs on Mar 25, 2009 15:42:33 GMT -5
The torque thread reminded me of this classic
Bill Clinton sees written in the snow out of urine:
Bill Clinton Sucks!
He calls the CIA for a urine analysis.
The report comes back with bad news and really bad news.
The urine sample is Al Gore’s.
The handwriting is in Hillary’s hand.
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Post by sandsman1 on Mar 28, 2009 23:20:10 GMT -5
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whisky
4. A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he pi cks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
" Lord have mercy ," the old preacher muttered to himself disgustedly..
"He's gonna run for Congress.."
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 5, 2009 19:01:55 GMT -5
Why, Why, Why,
{Poetic License inserted here} Why are the American people sitting still why we are being plunged in to a TEN TRILLION DOLLAR dept over the next 10 years. - We are allowing our children’s / grandchildren’s futures to be mortgaged!!!
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there
Is not enough money?
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Why does someone Believe you
When you say there are four billion stars;
But have to check when you say
The paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an 'S'
In the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
New to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open
From the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't
We say, 'That really hurt, why don't
You watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
Complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE.......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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thomtap
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since December 2007
Posts: 237
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Post by thomtap on Apr 6, 2009 7:09:46 GMT -5
This one might have already been posted here, but... here's a good lawyer joke:
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
a: One is a bottom feeding scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Thom
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Post by mohs on Apr 6, 2009 23:51:23 GMT -5
For opening day of Baseball & my paisano’s in the earthquake zone  GrandPa was watching the Baseball game & yelling: Run U Son of Beetcha` - Run! GrandMa was a cooking and yelled at Papa Papa you noa speaka that way! No No Mama unoa understand deessa isa baseballa You come watch. I teacha u. A little while later Mama was yelling: Run You Son of Beetcha` Run! No No Mama, Papa explains: deesa man hasa 4a balls on him In which Mama says: Walka proud my boy! Walka proud… |
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 11, 2009 1:36:01 GMT -5
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' ! So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
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Post by LCARS on Apr 11, 2009 12:19:35 GMT -5
That's just terrible, I LOVE IT!! ;D
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Apr 17, 2009 16:09:45 GMT -5
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala ,
where they enjoyed the weed.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked
into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 17, 2009 22:01:30 GMT -5
hahaha
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 19, 2009 12:27:22 GMT -5
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson
"AMERICA" Land of the "FREE", because of the "BRAVE"
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God,
Then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
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Subject: The Silver Screw
THE SILVER SCREW
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . .. . . And his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'
---- Congress is noted for screwing around with things they don't understand - like the economy. That's why we are all losing our asses!
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 27, 2009 16:03:32 GMT -5
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her questions about his life,
she asked him how he had sex ?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ' Oh,.....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk
of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong,
but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the
ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must
put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his
considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and
kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'
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Post by Tweetiepy on Apr 30, 2009 14:25:36 GMT -5
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.
By Shannon Popkin
My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does
it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.
Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:
''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''
At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the
bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we
could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this
stall and reveal my identity.
Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a
good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the
potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In
dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get
some candy!''
I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was
really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before
exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's
purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''
''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''
He started to gag at this point.
''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are
making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''
As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I
quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to
reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four
flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this
embarrassing monologue will be long gone.
''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going
stinkies! Get up! Get up!''
He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown
laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you
wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you
wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the
situation.
''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now,
Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash
your hands? I want to go out!!''
I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the
door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies
crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.
My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the
fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of
my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin
while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought,
I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little
fellow.
(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three She lives with
her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan , where she no longer uses public
restrooms)
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