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Post by mohs on May 3, 2009 0:19:54 GMT -5
Upcoming politician goes outside and masturbates
A person runs up and takes a picture!
Couple weeks later a package arrives
Inside is the camera & the pictures
With a note that says:
For $10,000--- I’ll tear up the negatives
and you’ll never hear from me again
well the young political fellow is on the rise
and figures he best pay
sends the cash
tears up the picture
and keeps the camera.
Years pass and he becomes a senator.
A Japanese delegation is touring the senate
One of the Japanese fellow spots the camera
(Which the Senator as kept all these years)
& he is turning it over in his hands
inspecting it very very carefully
“I ask you? How much you pay?”
The Senator tells the fellow:
“10,000.00 dollars…”
“Ah So!
I see!
Ah.. someone saw you coming…”
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infinity
starting to shine!
What shall we create today?
Member since May 2009
Posts: 33
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Post by infinity on May 8, 2009 4:37:43 GMT -5
Love this one!!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the back door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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Post by sandsman1 on May 8, 2009 19:33:27 GMT -5
hahaha
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Post by Bejewelme on May 12, 2009 11:12:56 GMT -5
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made thing s worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. ~
I LOVE MY JOB
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infinity
starting to shine!
What shall we create today?
Member since May 2009
Posts: 33
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Post by infinity on May 12, 2009 12:16:43 GMT -5
No help from the audience please…
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing", said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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Post by krazydiamond on May 12, 2009 19:31:56 GMT -5
Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see
something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at
Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a
contemporary term:
This year's term was "Political Correctness."
The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end"
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on May 13, 2009 5:12:03 GMT -5
Like to see that done.
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morticiamonroe
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since October 2008
Posts: 147
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Post by morticiamonroe on May 13, 2009 21:03:29 GMT -5
That's hilarious, isn't it? BTW, my BF is a saturation dive supervisor for Global here in Louisiana.  |
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on May 17, 2009 17:13:51 GMT -5
Guy goes to see a shrink.
walks into the office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from Saran wrap.
The shrink looks at him and says"I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Post by BAZ on May 22, 2009 18:49:15 GMT -5
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
Yep, it runs in you genes.
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Post by kap on May 24, 2009 22:26:14 GMT -5
2 OLD MEN
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!
'DEAD? SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY
THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A
WITCH.
'A WITCH ?
WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS
MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER
A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER
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bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller 
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719 
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Post by bushmanbilly on May 28, 2009 17:40:34 GMT -5
Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
> >
> > When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
> invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's
> dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
> >
> > His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
> baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of
> his life when they came back home.
> > Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
> >
> > When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
> > The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
> >
> > Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
> cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
> >
> > 'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
> have 20/20 vision.'
> >
> > 'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be effed if he needed
> glasses'.
> >
>
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Post by rockmanken on May 28, 2009 20:26:40 GMT -5
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want
to consider this...
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again..
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay.. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'
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Thunder69
Cave Dweller
Thunder 2000-2015
Member since January 2009
Posts: 3,105
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Post by Thunder69 on May 31, 2009 20:18:12 GMT -5
> A
> PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO
>MOAB , WHEN A BLONDE
> IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
> AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
> SECTION AND SITS DOWN..
> THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
> WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
> TO SEE HER TICKET.
> SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
> CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL
> HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
> THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
> I'M GOING TO MOAB AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
> THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
> THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
> SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
> ECONOMY, AND
> WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
> THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
> EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
> SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
> THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
> I'M GOING TO MOAB AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'
> THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
> HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
> THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
> THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
> I'LL HANDLE THIS,
> I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'
> HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
> AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND
> GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
> THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
> ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
> ANY FUSS.
> I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO
>MOAB.'
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Post by Bejewelme on May 31, 2009 20:40:46 GMT -5
Hey John!!!! I resemble that joke!!!! ;D LOL!!! I heard that one before, just not with the Moab destination!!!!!  I like to make sure us blondes keep living up to our reputations  |
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Thunder69
Cave Dweller
Thunder 2000-2015
Member since January 2009
Posts: 3,105
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Post by Thunder69 on Jun 1, 2009 16:30:05 GMT -5
It's all in good fun ......By the way my wife is a Blonde ......John
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Post by krazydiamond on Jun 3, 2009 13:35:12 GMT -5
The Female and Male perspective on Poems:
A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End.
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Post by sitnwrap on Jun 3, 2009 14:25:42 GMT -5
Thanks for the laugh, I read it to my husband. His reaction "yup, my kind of poem" lol.
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Post by sandsman1 on Jun 9, 2009 3:59:48 GMT -5
hahaha good one kd im still lookin
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Post by sandsman1 on Jun 9, 2009 20:04:33 GMT -5
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments..
13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering 'What the heck happened?'
23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Amen to that one!
25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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