|
|
Post by kap on Jun 17, 2009 18:50:32 GMT -5
The
Monastery..........
A
man is driving down the road and his car breaks down
near a monastery
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the
night'?
The
monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like
no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but
they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a
monk'.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes
about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in
front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his
car.
That
night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard
years earlier.
The
next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you... You're not a monk'.
The
man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is
to become a monk, how do I become a
monk'?
The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us
how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand
pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.
The
man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the
earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you
had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the
earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and
now you are a monk'.
'We shall now show you the way
to
the sound'.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head
monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The
man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have
the key'?
The monks give him the key,
and he opens the door.
Behind
the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The
Man
Requests
the
key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
And so it
went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks
say, 'This is the key to the last
door'.
The
man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange
sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
.... . . But I can't
tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T YOU CUSS AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT IT TO
ME!
|
|
|
|
Post by sitnwrap on Jun 17, 2009 19:54:28 GMT -5
Lol, that was not nice, I'm a slow reader. ;D
|
|
earthdog
Cave Dweller 
Don't eat yellow snow
Member since June 2006
Posts: 2,731
|
Post by earthdog on Jun 17, 2009 20:21:20 GMT -5
I got a good joke for ya'll,
Cindy Crawford and me having wild, crazy monkey sex!
|
|
|
|
Post by rockmanken on Jun 18, 2009 6:04:16 GMT -5
WAL MART INTERVIEW
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill
a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four
people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four
in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which
of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed....' She then turned to the third man, who
was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!
|
|
|
|
Post by bobby1 on Jun 19, 2009 12:00:32 GMT -5
The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night..
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(P.S. I didn't see that one coming, either.)
The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night..
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
(P.S. I didn't see that one coming, either.)
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Jun 19, 2009 22:42:11 GMT -5
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches..
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling..
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered..
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
...........................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
|
|
|
|
Post by rockmanken on Jun 20, 2009 20:42:18 GMT -5
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of
whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell
into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at
the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Harley...
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but
happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed
to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back
to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud
pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and
straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab
his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled
him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A
Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Jul 2, 2009 18:46:54 GMT -5
A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Jul 5, 2009 21:36:04 GMT -5
...this is all true.
...... only the names have
been changed to protect the innocent......... but you know who you are!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading toward 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18.. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to every one you can remember right now!
NOTE: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
|
|
|
|
Post by rockmanken on Jul 7, 2009 18:19:35 GMT -5
HOW TO BE CRUEL TO OLD GUYS:  AARP EYE CHART |
|
wm7734
spending too much on rocks
wheres my rockhammer ?
Member since January 2007
Posts: 252
|
Post by wm7734 on Jul 12, 2009 22:50:36 GMT -5
thats just cold,,,
|
|
wyobrian
fully equipped rock polisher
GO VIKINGS
Member since February 2009
Posts: 1,739
|
Post by wyobrian on Jul 12, 2009 23:14:08 GMT -5
I MUST BE GETTING OLD I SAVED IT BLEW IT UP AND STILL CAN'T SEE IT  BRIAN |
|
Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
|
Post by Simon on Jul 16, 2009 8:13:22 GMT -5
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
|
|
|
|
Post by superioragates on Jul 21, 2009 11:24:36 GMT -5
Okay, after reading that one I feel safe with this one.....
Why does a cowboy make a terrible lover?
He only stays on for the 8 second ride!!
How come cowboys where big belt buckles?
Headstone for dead meat!
|
|
|
|
Post by superioragates on Jul 21, 2009 11:50:14 GMT -5
How to become a bullrider:
Take a handfull of marbles
put them in yer mouth
each time the bull bucks
spit one out
when you've lost all your marbles...yer a bullrider....congratulations!
Why do cowboys always have shit in their mustache?
Lookin' fer love in all the wrong places!!!
LOL
|
|
|
|
Post by superioragates on Jul 23, 2009 22:08:02 GMT -5
It's Tough Getting Old
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Jul 24, 2009 23:21:45 GMT -5
This joke was nominated for best joke of the year.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ..."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Aug 9, 2009 16:05:16 GMT -5
POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean.
What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always get up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
|
|
Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
|
Post by Simon on Aug 9, 2009 16:18:53 GMT -5
" polish remover" almost choked on my beer. Hahaha
Simon
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Aug 19, 2009 14:38:08 GMT -5
Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
|
|
