Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Jan 28, 2010 19:40:42 GMT -5
6 Reasons why men prefer guns to women.
1) You can trade an old .45 for a .22
2) You can admire a friends gun and he'll let you try it.
3) Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo.
4) Guns function normally every day.
5) A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And finally
6) You can buy a silencer for a gun. ;D ;D
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Post by kap on Feb 17, 2010 19:58:48 GMT -5
Two guys are out hunting, and as they
are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I
can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it
is."
The second hunter says" I don't know,
let's throw something down and listen and see how long
it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old
automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll
throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one,
and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over
the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing
through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other,
looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about,
an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers
didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask,
but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running
out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped
headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"
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dbrealityrocks
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2010
Posts: 1,084
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Post by dbrealityrocks on Feb 28, 2010 14:15:11 GMT -5
how do you keep an amish woman happy? give her 2 mennonite. I think they want to come over and raise a barn
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Post by parfive on Mar 5, 2010 1:04:57 GMT -5
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Post by kap on Mar 10, 2010 19:17:46 GMT -5
A
guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The
interviewer asks him,
"Are you allergic to
anything?"
He
replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have
you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes,"
he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The
interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then
he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The
guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both
of my testicles...
The
interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've
got enough points for me to hire you right
now.
Our
normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The
guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This
is a government job,"
the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
that.
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Post by Bejewelme on Mar 22, 2010 8:10:08 GMT -5
What do you get when you have a woman with PMS and a GPS??
A crazy bitch that can find you!!!
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Post by Bejewelme on Mar 22, 2010 8:11:28 GMT -5
Why don't little girls fart?
They don't realize they have assholes until they grow up and marry one! LOL
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Post by Toad on Mar 22, 2010 8:13:50 GMT -5
LOL, Amber. I heard a comedian tell a joke similar to that. NASA was doing research into the dangers of a woman having her period in space. Dangerous? Hell yeah, the psycho bitches can fly!
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Post by drocknut on Mar 28, 2010 23:51:49 GMT -5
LOL Amber and Toad.
You know when God made Eve he made her with three boobs. Eve said that there were too many so God took one off. Eve then asked God what he would do with the other boob. Then God created man.
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Rockygibraltar
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2006
Posts: 1,404
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Post by Rockygibraltar on Apr 3, 2010 3:16:23 GMT -5
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
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grayfingers
Cave Dweller 
Member since November 2007
Posts: 4,575 
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Post by grayfingers on Apr 19, 2010 17:32:37 GMT -5
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Post by sandsman1 on Apr 20, 2010 15:50:10 GMT -5
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week." If you didn't at least grin... I will pray for you  Have a great day!! |
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Post by kap on May 3, 2010 17:45:34 GMT -5
Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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Post by parfive on May 6, 2010 1:04:24 GMT -5
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.
"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Post by parfive on Jun 21, 2010 22:51:55 GMT -5
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part....... )
'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
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Post by kap on Aug 18, 2010 14:38:39 GMT -5
Would You Remarry?
A husband was sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks THE QUESTION......?
WIFE:
'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
'Definitely not!'
WIFE:
'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND:
'Of course I do.'
WIFE:
'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND:
'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE:
'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)
WIFE:
'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND:
'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE:
'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND:
'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE:
'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND:
'Probably, it is almost new.'
WI FE:
'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND:
'That would seem like the proper thing to do'
WIFE:
'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND
'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE:
'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND:
'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE:
'Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND:
'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE:
----- silence ------
HUSBAND:
'S h i t.'
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traveler
starting to shine!
Member since July 2010
Posts: 37
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Post by traveler on Oct 18, 2010 1:04:36 GMT -5
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Oct 18, 2010 18:18:18 GMT -5
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Oct 18, 2010 18:20:35 GMT -5
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
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Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
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Post by Simon on Oct 18, 2010 18:21:28 GMT -5
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"
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