Simon
spending too much on rocks
Member since March 2009
Posts: 352
|
Post by Simon on Oct 18, 2010 19:11:44 GMT -5
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
|
|
|
|
Post by Hard Rock Cafe on Oct 21, 2010 12:50:52 GMT -5
A man and woman were walking toward each other on a windy day in London. The woman was having difficulty keeping her skirt down.
The man said, "I say, it's a bit airy isn't it?"
To which she replied, "Well what did you bloody expect? Feathers?"
|
|
|
|
Post by parfive on Oct 30, 2010 20:13:42 GMT -5
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5
gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came
to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave
25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No,
just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'
|
|
amyk
fully equipped rock polisher
I'm a slabber, I'm a cabber, I'm a midnight wrapper.
Member since January 2010
Posts: 1,331
|
Post by amyk on Nov 1, 2010 21:49:06 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a Collie with a Rottweiller?
.
.
.
.
.
A dog that will rip your arm off, and then go to get help.
ArfArf
|
|
|
|
Post by parfive on Nov 1, 2010 21:53:11 GMT -5
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets in the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he’s staring.
He says, "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: one, you have to be single and two, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts to cry.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
|
|
|
|
Post by Toad on Nov 1, 2010 22:35:53 GMT -5
Nice ones parfive
|
|
|
|
Post by parfive on Nov 7, 2010 15:05:08 GMT -5
An interesting piece of history.
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first .
|
|
|
|
Post by kap on Dec 6, 2010 20:31:50 GMT -5
I NEED A RAISE
A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
|
|
|
|
Post by sandsman1 on Dec 7, 2010 8:48:56 GMT -5
Blind Bass Pro Shop Salesperson
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20..00.
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
|
|
snuffy
Cave Dweller 
Member since May 2009
Posts: 4,319
|
Post by snuffy on Dec 14, 2010 23:07:27 GMT -5
Cletus and Billy Bob.
Cletus is passing by Billy Bobs barn one day when,through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched,he performs a slow piroutte,and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls,followed by the left.He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overallsfall down to his hips,revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt,Then grabbing both sides of his shirt,he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.With a final flourish,he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough,Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez,Cletus,ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob."But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,and the therapist suggested I do'something sexy to a tractor'".
snuffy
'
|
|
|
|
Post by fishenman on Dec 26, 2010 16:57:23 GMT -5
Farmer goes to the doctor for a bad case of hemorrhoids.doctor tells him he need to put this pill in his anus twice a day and says I'm going to get you started now.so he does and the man was like holy shit doc that's a lot for just that pill.doc says the first does is always the biggest.
Later that night the farmer is having trouble put that pill is his anus, wife see's and ask if she can help, farmer says yes if your up for it. So she puts a hand on his shoulder and inserts the pill.farmer goes nuts screaming and cussing. omg did i hurt you the wife asks? no honey i just realized the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!
|
|
|
|
Post by kap on Dec 30, 2010 13:09:48 GMT -5
Christmas Party
Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick
of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska
as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is
standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here
I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn
you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in
the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More
'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
...I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'.
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming
to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely
be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter.
Just gonna be the two of us..'
|
|
|
|
Post by Toad on Dec 30, 2010 15:18:05 GMT -5
Ha!
|
|
Haleysdream
has rocks in the head
K-9 unit Rock Hounds
Member since January 2010
Posts: 654
|
Post by Haleysdream on Jan 17, 2011 13:50:00 GMT -5
A Bears fan, a Packers fan and a Seahawks fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Seahawks fan insists that he is the most loyal "This is for the Seahawks!" He yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Packers fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "this is for the Packers!" And pushes the Bears fan off the mountain... GO Packers!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Rockoonz on Jan 20, 2011 23:14:28 GMT -5
;^) Yes!! Go Packers!
Lee
|
|
Rockygibraltar
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2006
Posts: 1,404
|
Post by Rockygibraltar on Jan 31, 2011 22:25:28 GMT -5
One blonde says to another blonde..."I slept with a Brazilian last night."...the other blonde responds..."WOW...how many is that?"...
|
|
|
|
Post by Roller on Feb 1, 2011 0:15:38 GMT -5
hahaha i never heard that one ...good one ..
|
|
chassroc
Cave Dweller
Rocks are abundant when you have rocktumblinghobby pals
Member since January 2005
Posts: 3,586
|
Post by chassroc on Feb 21, 2011 14:26:46 GMT -5
PHONES IN CHURCHES
A man in Stuart, Florida, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute.."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, Los Angeles, Chicago, Milwaukee, and many cities and towns all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in New Jersey , upon entering a church in Jersey City , behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents"
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
I love this part ...
The pastor, smiling broadly, replied, "Son, you're in Jersey City, New Jersey now .... You're in God's Country. It's a local call."
American by Birth -Jerseyan by the Grace of God.
|
|
|
|
Post by drocknut on Mar 17, 2011 15:43:59 GMT -5
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
|
|
|
|
Post by parfive on Mar 18, 2011 19:53:03 GMT -5
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then," he says with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
|
|
