|
|
Post by mohs on Feb 9, 2012 1:13:45 GMT -5
3 guys walk in to a bar the 3rd one said: Ouch  |
|
|
|
Post by parfive on Feb 29, 2012 15:11:01 GMT -5
Whadya call a birther north of the forty-ninth parallel?
A loonie.
|
|
bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller 
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719 
|
Post by bushmanbilly on Feb 29, 2012 15:27:28 GMT -5
Ouch that hurt Rich. Btw I'm not a birther. Inquiring minds just what to know. And its a strong loonie  |
|
bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719
|
Post by bushmanbilly on Mar 24, 2012 10:13:01 GMT -5
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
want to start writing things down to help them remember . Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from
the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a
moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
|
|
|
|
Post by Hard Rock Cafe on May 25, 2012 9:52:41 GMT -5
my wife has been missing for a week now
the police said to prepare for the worst,so i went to the thrift store to get all her clothes back
|
|
|
|
Post by jakesrocks on Nov 21, 2012 23:48:55 GMT -5
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
|
|
|
|
Post by krazydiamond on Jan 30, 2013 13:38:50 GMT -5
$2.00 Bills
> IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT!
> Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing!!
> I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.
> The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!
> On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
> bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2
> bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about
> irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.
>
> Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'
>
> Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'
>
> Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him
> the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
>
> Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'
>
> He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The
> following conversation occurs between the two of them:
>
> Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'
> Manager: 'No. A what?'
> Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'
> Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'
> Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'
>
> He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'
> Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?
> Server: 'I don't know.'
> Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'
> Server: 'Yeah.'
> Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'
> Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'
>
> He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a
> shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'
>
> Manager: 'Doesn't he have an ything else?'
> Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
> Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'
> Server: 'What should I do?'
> Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'
> Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'
> Manager: 'Just tell him.'
> Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.
>
> The manager approaches me and says,
> 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'
>
> Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'
> Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'
> Me: 'Why not?'
> Manager: 'I think you know why.'
> Me: 'No really, tell me why.'
> Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
> Me: 'Excuse me?'
> Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'
> Me: 'What on earth for?'
> Manager: 'Please, sir..'
> Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'
> Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'
> Me: 'No.'
> Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'
> Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'
>
> At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the
> phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the
> dining area,
> and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
>
> A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
>
> Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'
> Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'
> Guard: 'No kidding! What?'
> Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'
> Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'
> Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing
> he has is a fifty.'
> Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'
> Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'
> Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'
> Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
> Guard: 'Yeah.'
>
> Security Guard walks over to me and......
> Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'
> Me: 'Uh, no.'
> Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'
> Me: 'Why?'
> Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'
>
> At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say,
> 'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.
>
> I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.
> He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says,
> 'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'
>
> Manager: 'It's fake.'
> Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'
> Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'
> Guard: 'Yeah? '
> Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'
>
> The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns
> on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.
>
> So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink
> and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
>
> Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what
> happens when I try to buy stuff.
|
|
cherdarock
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since December 2012
Posts: 140
|
Post by cherdarock on Feb 6, 2013 16:25:50 GMT -5
A guy is walking past a coke machine and notices a blond cramming change in, getting sodas, and setting them down. They are everywhere! The guy can't understand why the blond is emptying the machine, so he asks:
"S'cuse me lady, but what are you doing?"
The blond glances back with a look of disbelief and says,
"DUH! I'm winning!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Toad on Feb 6, 2013 16:52:20 GMT -5
Ha, KD! I got a very similar reaction when I used some of those gold Sacagawea dollars.
|
|
Fossilman
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2009
Posts: 20,723
|
Post by Fossilman on Mar 15, 2013 10:40:05 GMT -5
Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.
Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"
The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't tw...ins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
__________________
|
|
|
|
Post by Rockoonz on Mar 28, 2013 22:26:30 GMT -5
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon buc ket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast !!!!!!
|
|
cherdarock
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since December 2012
Posts: 140
|
Post by cherdarock on Mar 31, 2013 4:00:11 GMT -5
This one is perhaps... NOT for some peoples... (giggle) A cop pulls up to the local bar. Car is in the lot, and some guy has his door open. "Aw heck we got us a puker!" lights go flashin' and the cop calls it in. Then he gets out for the usual Drunk-in-the-car-at-the-bar call "EVE-NIN... Whutcha all doin up here t'nite? Little too much to drink?" The man spit, "P'too!" hocks, gags spits again, then hollers "AT BOY SURE CAN DRIVE!" The cop is puzzled, "Ain't nobody drivin mr. not on MY watch, not drunk, not tonite." The man looked at the cop, shook his head, gagged and spit on the cop's shoe. "AT BOY SURE CAN DRIVE DAMMIT! Cop hauls him to jail. Everyone that meets the guy gets the same reaction, same response. Guy hocks, gags, spits, and hollers. "Dam boy sure can drive!" Finally, he is in COURT! He does and says the same thing! The JUDGE says, "MISTER, unless you want to go to the state penny-tenchury, you need to explain yourself! Red eyed, tired, mad as heck, the man says "FAIR NUFF!" He walks to the podium. "Your HONOR! Last night, I was out at MY bar. Wasn't no action. My brother in-law came in and said we should head over the 'DEVIL'S DRIVE' to another bar where they's girls a-plenty! Well, that's what we do! NOW! Your HONOR! We is on the Devil Drive, and he is drivin' like the DEVIL! Then we get stuck behind this 18 wheeler, who is empty and drivin' fast, but not fast enough. We got a geat big ol' car behind us a honkin' SO like a slingshot let go, we pulls around and start passin' that semi, and that big ol' dusey right behind us!" he clears his throat... "You know Devil's Drive your Honor?" The judge nods yes. "Got that rocky out-cropped wall on the one side, sheer cliff with a pickit fence guard rail t'other side..." Judge says "I KNOW the road" "FAIR NUFF! We was PASSING that big ol' truck. Half way passed, HEADED DOWN was another truck! GREAT BIG OL DUSEY on our BACK BUMPER! NO. WAY. OUT! So I says 'Boy! you get us outta this, and my face will be in your lap to the LAST drop...!' Well, (P'TOOEY!) DAM THAT BOY SURE CAN DRIVE!!!" "Case dismissed!" ;D |
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 2, 2013 9:14:18 GMT -5
If you know (and love!) any engineers, than you know why these are funny! Jean
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 4, 2013 13:45:15 GMT -5
DOG FOR SALE :
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard."
Jean
|
|
cherdarock
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since December 2012
Posts: 140
|
Post by cherdarock on Apr 4, 2013 23:27:35 GMT -5
Man is driving down a lonely old road, out in the middle of NOWHERE!
As he comes around a bend, he sees something that causes him to hit the brakes.
"Is...that...?"
He pulls over and gets out of the car. He hears a guy hollering, and sure enough, at an old dead tree, there is some poor shmuck with his hands tied around the tree. The guy is totally nude.
"Hey there! What on earth happened to YOU?"
The guy is practically crying, "Last night, I was driving along. I see this blond hitchhiking, so I pull over. As she gets into the car, out of nowhere, some guy with a gun jumps into the BACK seat."
"No kiddin?"
"...The bastard tells me to drive, and we finally wind up here. You gotta untie me man, I gotta call the cops. They took my car, my clothes, my wallet, PLEASE man..."
The man steps behind the tree'd fool...
Suddenly theres the sound of a zipper.
"Hey! What are you DOING?"
The man whispers "I'll tell ya, today, (heheheh) Today just ain't your DAY" ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Apr 5, 2013 12:30:28 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER - this is just a joke!!!! This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:  While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection......... |
|
cherdarock
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since December 2012
Posts: 140
|
Post by cherdarock on Apr 11, 2013 3:52:51 GMT -5
A JOKE? Crimminy, I have lost more girlfriends hiking, having to resort to that. BTW a well timed well placed walking stick helps too. OOH reminds me!
LETS EAT GRANDMA!
LETS EAT, GRANDMA! COMMAS SAVE LIVES!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Rockoonz on May 10, 2013 2:03:18 GMT -5
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
******************************************************
The husband, being a normal man, was speechless............. finally he replied, "I am on the toilet, what should I do?
|
|
robsrockshop
has rocks in the head
Member since August 2012
Posts: 715
|
Post by robsrockshop on May 10, 2013 8:22:47 GMT -5
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time".
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again "How about going down the pub with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?
This time, a little voice came out of the box "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bleeping shoes on!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on May 17, 2013 12:24:53 GMT -5
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular R A ZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a N A S A page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another N A S A satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
|
|
Nov 15, 2024 17:44:51 GMT -5
Nov 15, 2024 17:44:51 GMT -5
