|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on May 17, 2013 12:33:47 GMT -5
Bronze rat
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
|
|
robsrockshop
has rocks in the head
Member since August 2012
Posts: 715
|
Post by robsrockshop on Jun 13, 2013 21:25:53 GMT -5
Good ones. Haha.
Ok, a bit nasty so be forewaned:
The lone ranger and Silver were crossing the desert. They made camp at nightfall and went to sleep. Around 3am they were captured by Indians and taken back to the Indians camp. The Chief told them we are going to kill you in 3 days and you can have one wish for each day. So the loneranger whispers in Silver's ear. Silver runs off and a couple hours later comes back with this totally hot red head and the lonerange has his way with her for a couple hours and passes out. Next thing you know tomorrow is here and the Chief says we are going to kill you the day after tomorrow. But for now you get your 2nd wish. So the loneranger whispers in Silvers ears and Silver takes off. Couple hours later Silver shows up with this smoking hot brunette. The Loneranger being the man he is did what comes natural. It's late, he passes out and the next thing you know it's the 3rd and last day. The Chief comes to say this is your last day. Tomorrow you die. You have one last wish, wish wisely. So once again the Loneranger whispers in Silvers ears and Silver takes off. Couple hours later Silver returns with the most beautiful blond you've ever seen in your life. Judging from past experience you think you'd know what the Loneranger was going to do but instead he grabs Silver by the reins and starts furiously shaking him and yells at the top of his lungs "Posse you stupid ******* horse, Posse!!!!!!!!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 4, 2013 20:15:53 GMT -5
27 years of marriage
After 27 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he said.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rockoonz on Aug 5, 2013 19:58:51 GMT -5
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in
Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked Let
me go find out” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months!
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal
aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven
together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.
It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how
long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Rockoonz on Aug 5, 2013 20:26:21 GMT -5
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 5, 2013 21:11:47 GMT -5
A couple of good ones, Lee!
Here's another -
Pope's Visit to Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the 'Popemobile'
when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He
found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama
hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling
frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the
grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the
semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball
bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged
the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was
that guy ?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all kinds of wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have a lot of wisdom, but he
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one...?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Rockoonz on Aug 7, 2013 23:20:50 GMT -5
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 10, 2013 10:02:12 GMT -5
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting
across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator ,
gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on
accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back
seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz Double shot latte, one knee on
wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on
radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck
in traffic: SEATTLE
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator
and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out
the window: TEXAS
10. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in
rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails
attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible
above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the
left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister:
ARKANSAS
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 10, 2013 20:59:00 GMT -5
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and
he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I
help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstolemy carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you
saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his
crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy sh!t ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Aug 26, 2013 21:36:16 GMT -5
The Two Nuns
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not
get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it ?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"
|
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 5, 2013 14:39:44 GMT -5
With what's going on in the world these days, I'm thinking we all need a good laugh. How come nobody else posts jokes on this thread?
25 signs that you have grown up...WAY UP!!
1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. (That sucks!)
6. You carry an umbrella and you watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.' (ah, you're kidding me, right?)
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. (James, are you paying attention?)
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 pm.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!
Sorry, kids!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2013 14:52:06 GMT -5
#6,17,23 do not apply to me. Never fed mcdonalds to a dog either!  lol |
|
|
|
Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 5, 2013 15:24:52 GMT -5
Not 23 for me, either, LOL! So, what are you saying, Scott? 21 out of 25 do apply to you? Hope you enjoyed them!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2013 15:26:18 GMT -5
I was being silly because of #25!
I did enjoy. definitely.
|
|
chassroc
Cave Dweller 
Rocks are abundant when you have rocktumblinghobby pals
Member since January 2005
Posts: 3,586
|
Post by chassroc on Sept 16, 2013 12:58:01 GMT -5
Can't remember if I've seen this one here..
IT'S HARD TO ARGUE THE FACTS !
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ...
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ....
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ...
They're not happy in Syria ...
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ...
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ...
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark .
Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in
every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
AND THEN;
They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked for you by someone else
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh*t Sherlock!....It's not like it could get much worse
!!!!!!!!!
|
|
bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719 
|
Post by bushmanbilly on Sept 17, 2013 22:27:32 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2013 7:44:38 GMT -5
Can't remember if I've seen this one here.. IT'S HARD TO ARGUE THE FACTS ! THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY! They're not happy in Gaza .. They're not happy in Egypt .. They're not happy in Libya .. They're not happy in Morocco .. They're not happy in Iran ... They're not happy in Iraq .. They're not happy in Yemen .... They're not happy in Afghanistan .. They're not happy in Pakistan ... They're not happy in Syria ... They're not happy in Lebanon .. SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia . They're happy in Canada . They're happy in England .. They're happy in France ... They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany .. They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA .. They're happy in Norway ... They're happy in Holland . They're happy in Denmark . Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves. THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN! AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like.... THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...How damn dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother in law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkey - You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked for you by someone else - and your wife smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no sh*t Sherlock!....It's not like it could get much worse !!!!!!!!! This is a joke thread Charlie. I would bet that there are racist forums out there where this would fit right in. You should drink your blood and leave other people's traditions alone. Jim |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2013 10:31:50 GMT -5
Jim, That would be a "Bigot Forum" - 'Muslim' is descriptive of religion, not race. Charlie's post is no different, better or worse than when some folks here denigrate Christians. (wink, wink) You are correct Bill. I should not have denigrated one to prove a point about another. I apologize to the Christians, I did not mean anything mean about your  ? traditions. If I did not say that so it can be understood I apologize. I am not as eloquent as a lot of folks but I think everyone can figure it out. Jim |
|
|
|
Post by kap on Sept 18, 2013 11:42:17 GMT -5
Come on guys cant we even have a joke thread without this going on!  |
|
grayfingers
Cave Dweller
Member since November 2007
Posts: 4,575
|
Post by grayfingers on Sept 18, 2013 11:56:10 GMT -5
Sorry. Here ya go. a rabbi and a priest are on an airplane together the priest asks the rabbi if judaism still prohibits eating pork. the rabbi said it does the priest asks the rabbi has he ever eaten pork. the rabbi said he did one time the rabbi asks the priest if his vows require him to be celibate. the priest said they do the rabbi asks the priest if he had ever had sex. the priest admitted one time he did the rabbi says beats the hell out of a pork sandwich doesn't it. |
|
lol
? traditions. If I did not say that so it can be understood I apologize. I am not as eloquent as a lot of folks but I think everyone can figure it out.
