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Post by kap on Sept 18, 2013 15:15:14 GMT -5
Sunday Morning SexUpon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed. 
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garock
fully equipped rock polisher
Member since February 2006
Posts: 1,168
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Post by garock on Sept 18, 2013 15:39:02 GMT -5
Kap ! Kap !! Kap !!! Like it !
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bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller 
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719 
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Post by bushmanbilly on Sept 18, 2013 15:45:27 GMT -5
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 18, 2013 16:47:52 GMT -5
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up
to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If
you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control
top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept
silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a
pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if
you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled
over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip
in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
pool man, and your brother."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2013 18:06:41 GMT -5
A man walked into his regular bar and he had two black eyes.
His buddy ask him "how he got the black eyes?"
The man said, "I was in church and we all stood up to sing and the fat lady in front of me had her dress stuck in her butt crack."
"I did not want her to be embarrassed so I pulled it out and she hit me in the eye."
His buddy ask, "well, how did you get the second black eye?"
The man said "I thought she wanted in there so I put it back".
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 19, 2013 9:00:57 GMT -5
After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly,
"Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,
"Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman.
"Ah sure'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 20, 2013 20:03:04 GMT -5
GO GITCHA MOMMA
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their
lives. The father and son were strolling around while the
wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I
dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my
whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to
the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son..........
'Boy..................go gitcha Momma......... ......
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bushmanbilly
Cave Dweller
Member since October 2008
Posts: 4,719
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Post by bushmanbilly on Sept 20, 2013 23:09:52 GMT -5
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Post by helens on Sept 22, 2013 21:47:58 GMT -5
So….
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients
were shouting, "13...13....13...13."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and
looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14...".
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gemfeller
Cave Dweller
Member since June 2011
Posts: 4,063
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Post by gemfeller on Sept 22, 2013 23:24:36 GMT -5
That reminds me of the guy who had a flat tire on a small bridge over a canal next to the local funny farm. As he jacked the car up and got the spare from the trunk he noticed one of the inmates leaning against the fence, chewing on a blade of grass and studying him intently.
Ignoring the loony the motorist wrestled the spare around the car and in the process did something stupid. He’d placed the lug nuts from the flat wheel inside the hubcap and set it on the bridge railing. He accidentally elbowed hubcap off the railing and saw it fall into the water.
He began to panic, wondering how he’d get the car to a service station for repairs, when the inmate spoke up.
“Why don’t you take one lug nut off each of the other wheels and put them on the wheel you’re fixing? That should get you a short distance to a repair shop,” the loony said.
Realizing the idea would work the motorist stared at the loony in amazement.
“I may be crazy,” the loony said with a smile, “but I’m not stupid.”
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Post by rockpickerforever on Sept 25, 2013 9:14:34 GMT -5
Book Report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
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Post by Rockoonz on Sept 29, 2013 0:27:23 GMT -5
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 1, 2013 10:00:59 GMT -5
Resetting The Password
I just went thru this for the 100th time.
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1f**kingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1F**KINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1F**kingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1F**kingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightF**kingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1F**kingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightF**kingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use."
(Asterisks in password not part of joke, use your imagination)
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 10, 2013 11:06:22 GMT -5
Moms in Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 11:52:01 GMT -5
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Thanks, I needed that. You made my day.
Jim
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 23, 2013 22:26:05 GMT -5
Book Report
Moms in Therapy both hahaha
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 24, 2013 11:39:00 GMT -5
A real cowboy
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,
mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower,
watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are
you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 24, 2013 16:49:14 GMT -5
Just a couple more -
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to
you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant
each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Member since January 1970
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2013 16:58:51 GMT -5
Thank you again Jean. It seems like every time I need a laugh lately you have provided.
Jim
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Post by rockpickerforever on Oct 24, 2013 17:03:07 GMT -5
Jim, I thought you sorely needed some cheering up right about now, glad to be able to help just a little bit!
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