Joke thread !

OK i got one for our Canadian members i herd this on TV over the weekend -- remember I'm teasing hahaha

HOW DO YOU SINK A CANADIAN SUBMARINE ?
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SWIM DOWN AND BANG ON THE DOOR


think about it------------------------- hahahaha

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Way Way Way tooooo muchhhh timmeeeeee!!!!! Way tooo funny!

MICHAEL JACKSON WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY FOR THE SECOND TIME !!!! JUDGE DID REPRIMAND HIM THOUGH.....HE TOLD MICHAEL THAT IF HE SCREWS UP A THIRD TIME, THEY WILL GIVE HIM HIS OWN CATHOLIC DIOCESE.

Ha good one- did you hear Jay Leno- I guess Michael is sooo broke now- he had to borrow $5 from Tito!

(WARNING THIS JOKE IS FOR ADULTS!)....KD




When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone..

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
a$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

Yes, it is."

Can you tell me where I can see it?"

Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called A$$hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."

Then I called A$$hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance.. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

Holy $%!# KD that was too good! Hmm gotta remeber that one-

So true... dogs like people, cats don't

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and observes to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.