|
|
Post by Cher on Jun 18, 2005 8:24:32 GMT -5
"The Barracks Door"
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
|
|
|
|
Post by Tweetiepy on Jun 21, 2005 11:32:11 GMT -5
A man is speaking to a woman who mentions that she is a widow three times over. Intrigued, the man asks how her husband first husband died.
She says he died from eating poisoned mushrooms.
He then asks how her second husband died.
She says he died from eating poisoned mushrooms.
He then asks how her third husband died. Then he says, "Let me guess, he died from eating poisoned mushrooms?"
"No" she says, "He had fatal blows to the head as he didn't want to eat the poisoned mushrooms!"
|
|
Rose
Cave Dweller 
Member since November 2004
Posts: 875
|
Post by Rose on Jun 22, 2005 3:45:56 GMT -5
5 types of sex
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and you screw each other in front of everyone in the courtroom.
|
|
stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
|
Post by stefan on Jun 22, 2005 10:38:19 GMT -5
2 Young Blondes are out fishing in a boat when the DEC pulls up and asks to dee a license- They shrug there shoulders and claim not to have one- The officer yells at them and tells them not to come back until they have one- Next day he sees them out fishing again and pulls up and asks to see their license- they again shrug their shoulders and state they don't have one- So he tells em to reel in their lines and that he is gonna arrest them- So they reel in the lines and the officer notices magnets tied on the end- Well he can't very well arrest them for fishing with magnets so he tells them he is sorry and that they can go on their way- As he leaves the one blonde turns to the other and chuckles- then she says " guess he has never fished for Steelehead!
|
|
Tonya
spending too much on rocks
Member since May 2005
Posts: 304
|
Post by Tonya on Jun 22, 2005 10:46:24 GMT -5
Jimmy Ray and Billy Bob, two good old Southern boys, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimmy Ray turns to Billy Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Billy Bob tells JR he thinks that's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jimmy Ray goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jimmy says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Then logically, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done yet," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think that logically you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I do have a family."
"I'm still not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"Yep, I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that just because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jimmy shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Billy Bob at the bar.
Jimmy Ray tells Billy Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Billy Bob says, "What's that?"
Jimmy Ray says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay!
|
|
themax
having dreams about rocks
Member since April 2005
Posts: 61 
|
Post by themax on Jun 23, 2005 15:40:06 GMT -5
After saving his money for several years, a young man was finally able to buy the sports car of his dreams. He was sitting at a traffic signal one day when a little old man on a moped pulls up beside him. The old man looks over at the youngster’s car and comments “That sure is a nice car you have their son.” The young man replied “Thanks, and it’s fast too.” The old man leaned in and surveyed the amenities and said “Yes, I bet it is.”
About that time the light changed. The kid in the sports car thought to himself, “I’ll just show this old man how fast this car really is” and he floored it. The tires squeled, smoke billowed and the car was off like a shot. The boy let the car settle in around 120 mph. When he looked in his review mirror he someone behind him and they were closing fast. About that time, whoosh, something passed him. Amazingly, the young man thought, it looked like the little old man on the moped. Then on the horizon, he saw something approaching and again closing fast. Again, whoosh, he was passed by something going extremely fast headed the other direction and it looked like the old man on the moped. Just when he thought he had cleared his head, he looked in his mirror and something was again closing fast. At the last second, he thought, if that guy doesn’t watch it, he’s going to hit me. Then “WHAM” he got rear ended. He stopped his car immediately and ran to the aid of whoever had hit him and had landed in a nearby ditch. Much to his surprise it WAS the little old man on his moped. He said “Mr. Mr., are you alright? Can I get you anything?”
The old man groggily looked up at the young man and said “I think I’m okay but would you kindly unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”
|
|
Tonya
spending too much on rocks
Member since May 2005
Posts: 304
|
Post by Tonya on Jun 24, 2005 8:38:58 GMT -5
An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office and while there, the doctor asked for a sperm count. The doctor grabbed a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened.
The man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "Dear God, man... you asked your neighbor?"
"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
|
|
stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
|
Post by stefan on Jun 24, 2005 9:42:52 GMT -5
Holy !!!! LMAO ROTF TRDMF That was good!
|
|
stubby
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since April 2004
Posts: 150
|
Post by stubby on Jul 7, 2005 10:37:04 GMT -5
Hadn't read in a while, you folks are on fire! Thanks, esp. Cher, Rose.
stub
|
|
MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
|
Post by MichiganRocks on Jul 15, 2005 18:12:45 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by docone31 on Jul 15, 2005 19:01:58 GMT -5
Does anyone know why the Teddy Bear wouldn't eat at the feast?
|
|
Tonya
spending too much on rocks
Member since May 2005
Posts: 304
|
Post by Tonya on Jul 16, 2005 14:21:39 GMT -5
|
|
halabit
noticing nice landscape pebbles
Member since October 2004
Posts: 91
|
Post by halabit on Jul 17, 2005 2:08:21 GMT -5
how true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by krazydiamond on Jul 17, 2005 13:54:48 GMT -5
no, Doc, why wouldn't the teddy bear eat at the feast?
KD
|
|
|
|
Post by docone31 on Jul 17, 2005 18:20:29 GMT -5
Nobody figuired that out?
He was already stuffed!
Heh heh heh heh. Sometimes, they walk around at night......
|
|
stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
|
Post by stefan on Jul 18, 2005 8:27:41 GMT -5
OMG Doc- you need some professional help!
|
|
Tonya
spending too much on rocks
Member since May 2005
Posts: 304
|
Post by Tonya on Jul 18, 2005 10:09:07 GMT -5
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing,"God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left." "What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
|
|
stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
|
Post by stefan on Jul 18, 2005 11:58:59 GMT -5
Hey that almost sounded like your trying to say that men did get no things in head his umm stuff to umm well think umm what you can think umm hey should that joke umm insulate me?
|
|
|
|
Post by Tweetiepy on Jul 18, 2005 12:38:17 GMT -5
Stefan, what are you insulating?  |
|
kurocks
having dreams about rocks
Member since June 2005
Posts: 61
|
Post by kurocks on Jul 18, 2005 12:53:01 GMT -5
Too funny, Tonya ... and based on my experience raising boys, they never get over the excitement of having gotten that thing! |
|
