Joke thread !

Ewwww stefan and you thought my joke was bad...........LOL.........guess those bums were male........LOL

Explanation of Life

One day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

He thinks that he is smarter than the policeman because he is sure that
he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the policeman's
expense.

Policeman says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Policeman says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Policeman says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Policeman says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket--if not, you let me go and no ticket."

Policeman says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the policeman takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the everloving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Michigan- LMAO- And here I was a huge Lilith fan!

SIGNS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.



At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.



Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.



Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.



Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.



Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.



Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.



Sign in men's rest room in Japan:

TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.



In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.



On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.



On an Athi River highway:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.



On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.



In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.



One of the Mathare buildings:

MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.



A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.



In a Pumwani maternity ward:

NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.



In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.



Sign in Japanese public bath:

FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.



Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.



On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.



In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.



In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.



Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM



Hotel brochure, Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.



Hotel lobby, Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.



Hotel elevator, Paris:

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.



Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID



Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.



Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:

NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.



Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.



>From the "Soviet Weekly":

THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.


In an East African newspaper:

A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:

IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.


An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.


Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.


Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?


In the window on a Swedish furrier:

FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.


The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.


In a Swiss mountain inn:

SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

OMG too funny Rose! ooops my co-worker just burst into flame!

DR. PHIL WAS CONDUCTING A GROUP THERAPY SESSION WITH FOUR YOUNG MOTHERS AND THEIR SMALL CHILDREN. "YOU ALL HAVE OBSESSIONS," HE OBSERVED.

TO THE FIRST MOTHER, HE SAID, "YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH EATING. YOU'VE EVEN NAMED YOUR DAUGHTER CANDY."

HE TURNED TO THE SECOND MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS WITH MONEY. AGAIN, IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, PENNY."

HE TURNS TO THE THIRD MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS ALCOHOL. THIS, TOO, MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, BRANDY."

AT THIS POINT, THE FOURTH MOTHER GETS UP TAKES HER LITTLE BOY BY THE HAND AND WHISPERS, "COME ON DICK, WE'RE LEAVING."

THE BUTTERED CAT PRINCIPAL
1) Its a well known fact that buttered bread always falls butter side down.
2) Likewise cats always fall feet down.
3) By strapping buttered bread to the back of cats, butter side up, you will generate a force which counteracts gravity by four dimensional stressors neutralizing the opposing forces.
4) This is the force which powers flying saucers. The saucers have a large central space filled with cat/bread assemblies.
5) The cats must be kept away from each other or disaster will occur. Actually this happened in Roswell, New Mexico, the cats got loose and started licking the butter off the bread of the neighboring cats. This caused the saucer to auger in in short order.

hey tonya it took acouple seconds but i just laughed my ass off THANKS

im thinkin the pain pills helped but that was too funny